A Christmas Story

Theatrical Release: November 1983. The same month the Soviets invaded Afghanistan. Coincidence?! Most likely, yes...

Genre: Family Comedy

Sub-Genre: Christmas season viewing staple

Starring...

Peter Billingsley as Ralphie - All he wants for Christmas is a firearm. God bless America...

Darren McGavin as The Old Man (Ralphie's Dad) - Darren McGavin went to fix that big furnace in the sky in 2006. 

Melinda Dillon as Ralphie's Mom - She just wants Randy to eat his meatloaf. Smeatloaf. Double beatloaf. 

Ian Petrella as Randy - The little piggy who can't put his arms down.

Overview: Ralphie's life is incomplete without something to shoot his eye out with. Knowing full well that a football would merely stun his vision temporarily, he asks for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle (with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time). Along the way, we're witness to Ralphie's obsession with Li'l Orphan Annie, his inability to change a tire without swearing like a sailor (a trait he's obviously inherited from his father who can't fix a furnace without "weaving a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan"), and his kid brother's fool-proof bully defense: Laying there like a slug.

Expectations: High.

As anyone my age can attest to, this is the movie you watched every year as a kid, nearly every day from Thanksgiving until Christmas day itself. You could count on this to be on some channel or another, on any given day, 24 hours a day. Just like Tiger Woods news coverage is today, this movie was always on somewhere. Somewhere in the mid-90's, American billionaire (and part-time manic-depressive) Ted Turner bought up the broadcast rights to Ralphie's movie and decided he was going to invent his own Christmas classic. Sure, A Christmas Story is a great movie to begin with but it wasn't really iconic until Turner decided to refrain from constant airings of the film, then unleashing it on the public in twelve consecutive showings on Christmas Eve's, resulting in 24 hours of ooey-gooey Christmas joy. Now you have to wait all year in anticipation of Christmas Eve when this movie owns television during the marathon on TBS. Starting at 8pm (7pm, Central!) on December 24th,  you can flip on the channel that you normally gloss over to avoid Atlanta Braves baseball games and watch A Christmas Story any damn time you feel like it. Myself, I like to have it on in the background while we're opening presents, occasionally shouting things out like...

"It's a major award. I won it!"

"It was... It twas... Soap... Poisoning!"

"Wow, a fire truck, that's mine!"

"I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" (followed inevitably by...)

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid." 

Good times. 


Since I was practically raised by television, it occurred to me from the literally hundreds of viewings of this movie in my life, that it would be impossible not to glean a few nuggets of wisdom from the subtle (and the not-so-subtle) messages in this film. It's safe to say that nearly everything I know about Christmas, I learned from A Christmas Story. Such as...

Furnaces never need replacing. Only perpetual fixing.

You will shoot your eye out. In fact, most overused advice from adults is likely to be true: If you keep making that face it will stay that way; Those boys at school keep making fun of you because they are jealous (of what, exactly?); If you keep playing with it, you will go blind.

If you're dumb enough to stick your tongue to a flagpole when it's 10 degrees outside, expect  emergency crews (fire truck, police, National Guard, ninjas) on-scene in less than 3 minutes.

You can effectively defend your home against black-and-white striped shirt-wearing burglars with a BB gun.

All TV/radio-based giveaways are just sneaky ways to advertise Ovaltine. And that stuff sucks!

Lamps are major awards.

Turning off the leg lamp in the front window saves electricity, even if every other light light in the house is on.

Bar soap will take the "potty" out of your "potty mouth."

If you're going to deliberately destroy your spouse's most prized possession, make sure you use all the glue beforehand. On purpose!

Mom will make it better.

Santa will be happy to provide you a boot in the face if you interrupt the flow on children by wedging yourself on his slide.

Calling out "That's mine!" automatically makes a gift yours.

Chinese restaurants are open on Christmas Day. 

I'm not gonna waste your time here with any long-winded opinions about this Christmas classic. You've all seen it (except for one person I know). You all love it. Hell, most of us know this movie backwards and forwards. Have you ever been in a group of people trading Christmas Story quotes with one another and someone botches one? Bad? 

"Fra-jee-lay! That means it's French." 

That poor girl never saw the ass-whooping coming. Clearly, she was a Russian spy sent to infiltrate our small group of middle-class nobodies in order to report back to Vladimir Putin how best to secretly take over the U.S. and A. and finally win the Cold War (which they're still fighting). Otherwise, how do you not know how that line goes?! 

Moving on, I thought I'd include an always popular Where Are They Now? segment to prove, once again, that not all child actors grow up to be felons or addicted to cocaine or felonious cokeheads. 


Ralphie - Peter Billingsley has worked in Hollywood nearly all of his life, believe it or not. With no real acting success to speak of after A Christmas Story (which would be like trying to find another decent car to buy after owning a Porsche), he's quietly been kicking ass behind the scenes as a writer and producer of movies you've actually heard, like Four Christmases (seriously), and Iron Man.


Randy - Ian Petrella found himself in very few roles after the film. He quit acting early in his teens, moved out west, and now works as an animator/puppeteer. You can regularly see him at the Christmas Story House in Cleveland, when they hold their annual convention. If you haven't gone to the website yet, you should. It's fantastic.


Mom - Melinda Dillon was twice nominated for Academy Awards before appearing in A Christmas Story. Afterwards, she continued to act and manages to keep her personal life very private. Even from the prying eyes of the internet. She played the mom in Harry And The Hendersons, a therapist in Magnolia, and someone not sleeping with Barbara Streisand in The Prince Of Tides (which also came out at Christmas). Since I can't uncover more about her, I'll make this up: She went on to astronaut school and currently DJ's at underground gay clubs in SoHo.


The Old Man (Dad) - Darren McGavin was a legitimate actor for many years. He enjoyed a long career on TV, movies, and on the stage. After A Christmas Story, he continued to work, winning just one Emmy in his career for a brief role on Murphy Brown. Gen X-er's most likely remember him starring most recently alongside Adam Sandler as Billy Madison's father. He did, unfortunately pass away in 2006. He will continue to live on with each Christmas. 


Flick  - Undoubtedly, Scott Schwartz has the most interesting post-Christmas Story bio. During the 80's, he bounced from TV show to TV show, even starring alongside Matt LeBlanc once for an episode of a forgotten show called "TV 101." (I've never heard of it either) In the 90's, however, Schwartz starred in more than 15 adult movies with the likes of Jenna Jameson, Christy Canyon, and Asia Carrerra. He left the biz after the 90's, claiming he "didn't like the job." He also regularly attends the Christmas Story house conventions and seems like the nicest guy you'd ever meet who used to nail hot chicks for money.


Scut Farkus - Zack Ward, like every other child actor, has tried to stay in the spotlight since his flashbang appearance in this movie. He's had bit parts on TV shows here and there, and most noteably had a recurring role from 2000-2002 on Fox in a surprisingly funny (in a dysfunctional sort of way) show called Titus. Why all child actors grow up to be struggling young adult actors, I'll never understand. Who wants to do the same job they had when they were 12 or 14? If I'd spent the last 15 years trying to get my dishwashing job back at Linoma Beach Restaurant, that'd be pretty pathetic. Although, it was pretty cool... no one noticed when we stole beer. 


So there you have it, folks. A dissection of one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Consider this my Christmas present to you. I know I covered this movie a little bit in last year's Top 5 Christmas Movies posting, but I felt this movie deserved a little more. Only in America would one of the most beloved stories of all time involve a little boy's burning desire to get a gun for Christmas. Happy Festivus, everyone!

Overall: 10 out of 10, of course. Without a doubt, the very best non-Chevy Chase Christmas movie of all time. 


Trivia: Jean Shepherd, author of the book this film is based upon (and the narrator of the movie) has a small part in the Santa mall scene. He's the bearded man in the killer hat who tells Ralphie that the line starts here and ends back there. 

Best Scene: Everyone has their favorite part but for me, it'll always be this one...

Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra, ra-ra, ra-ra!

What my wife said: She's been using quotes from this movie as her Facebook status for weeks now. This review was also her idea. I told her I was considering a mock review where I playfully pointed out the plot holes, unrealistic fulfillment of childhood demands, and subtle racism of the movie (Black Bart?). This did not go over well. She locked up the brakes (did I mention we were driving on Highway 6 to see her folks?) and without mincing words let me know what she thought of that idea through pursed lips, flailing hand gestures, and more than a little profanity... So. My wife loves this movie. Nearly enough to kill me if I chose to desecrate it.

Who would enjoy this movie: Everyone. Seriously, even the Taliban likes this movie. This is how ingrained in the American psyche this movie is... This is a Christmas card my friends, the Sherman's sent out this year...

(click on the image for a larger view)

They win at Christmas. Forever...

Watch it if you like: Christmas. Sunshine. Puppies. You don't hate puppies, do you?!

Next in the Q: It's an all-out battle for the title of Worst Chick Flick! 

or...

The Top 5 Best Christmas Movies Ever!

For those of you who haven't noticed by now, I'm kind of a sucker for all things Christmas. I put up a grotesque amount of lights, Christmas songs start erupting out of my mouth as early as November 1st, I put Christmas ringtones on my phone (this year it's "Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas)" by Bing Crosby), and of course, being a huge nerd for movies, I watch as many sappy Christmas movies as I can. Oh sure, Christmas has it's classic movies and sure, some of them are standard watching, but I think, as a rule, everyone should own these movies (except #2). If you haven't seen all of these movies, make it your mission to go to WalMart or your local DVD bootlegger and pay the money for these movies. So, without further ado...

The Top 5 Best Christmas Movies Ever!

5. Gremlins

Theatrical Release Date: June 1984. A Christmas movie, released in June? It must've done really well when it went to Beta.

Why it's one of The Best: I'll bet you forgot this was a Christmas movie, huh? So did I, until just about two weeks ago! The movie itself is a classic and a lot of scenes perfectly encapsulate your average daily existence in the mid-80's. The furniture, clothing styles, interiors, lingo, everythin

g is just perfectly (and realistically) 80's. Sometimes movies from that decade were filled with distracting reminders that the 80's were dumb. But Gremlins just happens to take place in that time period, the story is a true original, everybody had some Gizmo merchandise in their house, and most importantly, the small town Christmas feel is prevalent throughout the entire movie. It's cozy, even if it is on fire.

Best Scene: Immediately after the Mogwais hatch into Gremlins, they head downstairs only to encounter the wrath of Billy's Mom! She juices the first one in a giant mixing bowl, the second she just stabs repeatedly, prison-style, and the third one she sprays in the face with oven cleaner before she shoves him in the microwave and essplodes him. Awesome.

Best Line: "Gizmo. Caca."

4. Scrooged

Theatrical Release Date: November 1988

Why it's one of The Best: Two words: Bill. Murray. And by far the best adaptation of any Dickens work. It's still recognizable to it's original story but it's different enough to be a good movie independent of Christmas. You could watch this in July and laugh your ass off. But Bill Murray brings his "A" game in this one. Snarky, sarcastic, quick, smart... And in this movie, he's just a huge asshole. Exactly what a modern Ebenezer Scrooge should be. And in the end, his transformation seems the most believable of any version of this story that I've seen.

Best Scene: I had a real hard time picking just one scene out of this movie. My personal favorite, and you can comment at the end of this posting with YOUR favorite scenes, is the opening scene, when Frank Cross is pitching his version of A Christmas Carol to the TV network he runs. Everyone else is horrified at his imagining of the retelling of this story, but Frank's just smiling like an 8-year-old on his birthday, mouthing along to the narrator, completely enjoying himself.

Best Lines: "We're indivisible. If I'm workin' late, you GOTTA work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE!"

Or...

"Would you please, for the love of God and your own bodies, STOP THE GOD DAMN HAMMERING?!"

3. It's A Wonderful Life

Theatrical Release Date: January 1947 (After Christmas?!)

Why it's one of The Best: Confession time. I'd never seen this movie until about 5 days ago. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of old movies. I think the dialog is usually dated, the acting could normally be better, and I think a LOT of dramatic effect is lost when you can only see the world in black and white. That being said, I'm glad no one (to my knowledge) has tried to remake this movie. If you're like me and never took the time to see it, you'll understand why it's so loved after you watch it just one time. I think this movie is good as a stand-alone film, not just something you have to watch at Christmas time. I understand WHY it's so popular this time of year but the vast majority of the movie is a recap George Bailey's life. The end is really the only time Christmas plays a part but it's the embodiment of The Christmas Miracle. It's only because there was less of a focus on Christmas that I put this one at #3 instead of #2. But what a good movie.

Best Scene: Oh man. The last scene, when Mary flings the door open and says that they're all on their way and when the door bursts back open, the whole town is coming to George Bailey's rescue, no questions asked, no hesitation, and everyone seems so happy and eager to help their friend. I'm getting all sorts of misty-eyed just thinking about it.

Best Line: Say it with me... "Look, Daddy! Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings!" Now go get a Kleenex. Sniffle...

2. A Christmas Story

Theatrical Release Date: November 1983

Why it's one of The Best: If you haven't seen A Christmas Story every year since you were a fetus (or since '83, when it came out), you're either from Kyrgyzstan, a blind deaf-mute, or a Jehovah's Witness. Even Mormons like this movie! From the opening music to the nostalgic setting of the northern American midwest in the 50's, this movie is oozing with Christmas. It's kind of hard to find it on TV before Christmas Eve now and I'm pretty sure the only time you can watch it is the 24 consecutive hours it's played on TNT, starting on Christmas Eve. Personally, I think this is such an awesome idea. Ted Turner might be a self-admitted manic-depressive but he called this one right. By owning the rights to the movie and refusing to play it any time before the 24th and then to play it for 24 hours solid, it solidifies the movies legendary status and simultaneously provides something festive to have on in the background for Christmas. You HAVE to watch this movie once a year. You have no excuse, it's on NON-STOP. (And that's why it's unnecessary to own this on DVD) Plus, the movie details just what Christmas can be about for a kid: wanting something so bad, hoping against hope that just the miraculous nature of Christmas (with some help from Santa) would allow for you to get the one present you want more than anything in the world. Ever. My Red Ryder Air Rifle was an original gray box Nintendo. All my friends had one and I couldn't always go to someone else's house to play their system. But Christmas of 1989, me and my sister ripped off the wrapping, revealing the distinct box and we just screamed our little heads off for Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. And a partridge in a pear tree...

Best Scene: While I think everyone has their favorite in this movie, the one scene that always still makes me laugh is when Ralphie's dad is cradling the destroyed remains of his Major Award Lamp. Of course, Ralphie's mom hated the lamp and when he asks her to get the glue she says they're all out. Seething, he tells her that she used all the glue on purpose and he gets up, yanks his hat down on his head, spins around and says, "Not a finger!" which makes absolutely no sense and is most likely a true story from Jean Shepherd's childhood. I love that line. And Ralphie's dad is a pretty under-appreciated character. Here's the whole scene...

Best Lines: "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Or...

The full quote is: "I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" (Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure his request sometimes ends with "...with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!" If I'm wrong, and you notice during the marathon on Christmas Eve, please let me know.)

Or...

"I triple dog dare ya!"

Or...

"Fra-gi-le... Oh, it must be Italian!"

**Fact: Scott Schwartz (Flick) grew up to be an adult film actor. No. Shit.**

And the Number One movie is... Drumroll!

1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Theatrical Release Date: December 1989

Why it's THE BEST: Because so many Christmas movies are overwrought with sappy sentiment or geared towards separating you from your family dollar. This is the movie you watch as an adult after the kids have gone to bed. It's hilarious from the word go and Chevy Chase is a one-of-a-kind comedic actor. And while this movie isn't for family viewing in bad sweaters and egg nog sucking, it still maintains it's Christmas feel. Clark just wants to give his (uninvited) extended family the best Christmas ever. And in true Griswold style, he shoots too high and falls flat on his face. Literally, at times. Slapstick is in large supply but so are the clever jokes. So are the dirty jokes. This movie is just joke after joke and if you haven't seen any other movie on this list, you need to watch this. Today. If only for the scenes with Randy Quaid playing Cousin Eddie.

Best Scene: Every scene. From the beginning, where Clark drives the family under a logging truck, to the bitter end when Eddie kidnaps Clark's boss and kicks him in the ass when he's marching him up the driveway. If I had to pick one, though, and I feel obligated to, it'd be the mistake of covering a sled with an experimental cooking oil and sledding down a hill. Clark blazes a trail through the forest, over a frozen lake, across a busy road, and into a WalMart parking lot. Absolute hysteria. I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Best Lines: See below...

Or...

It should be noted that I got more than one recommendation to follow this bLogg up with a "Top 5 Worst Christmas Movies Ever" list, but do you have any idea how many positively BAD Christmas movies there are out there? I mean, just truly awful, horrendous movies. You can find any of them on ABC Family, either just before, slightly after or sometimes, unfortunately, during primetime. Here are just two night's worth of quality family programming on ABC Family, the go-to channel for watered-down Christmas crap...

Wed, Dec 17th, 9pm: Snow 2: Brain Freeze

"When Santa lands in the hospital with amnesia, his wife must find a way to save Christmas."

I think if Santa found himself in a hospital with amnesia, he'd either immediately realize he was Santa, thanks to the distinctive outfit and ever-present jolliness, or he'd think he was a mall Santa who'd gotten drunk and wandered home from Slippery's Tavern, crashed his sleigh (i.e., 1998 Hyundai Sonata), and probably has a warrant out. Either way, mental illness is no laughing matter. Even when it involves Santa. Would it be hilarious if Santa were diagnosed with Alzheimer's and started pooing himself in the off-season or forgetting how to get home to the North Pole? Kind of. And here's the best part: this is a sequel! I loved Snow 1, where nothing extraordinary happened. I've never seen it, but I'll bet I'm right. Here's another...

Sun, Dec 21st, 6pm: The Incredibles

Sun, Dec 21st, 8:30pm: Cars

Sun, Dec 21st, 11pm: Year Without A Santa

"Santa takes day off."

Well, nothing says Christmas to me like Pixar movies starring Samuel L. Jackson ("Merry motherf**king Christmas!") and Larry the Cable Guy. Plus, is the "Year Without A Santa" a little too edgy for you, ABC Family? You have to play that one at 11pm, after the kids have gone to bed and when any other respectable cable channel is playing it's lineup of softcore porn. THANK YOU. For daring to air "Year Without A Santa." And give me a little more with the movie description. Cuz if Santa took May 14th off, who cares? here's one more...

Fri, Dec 12th, 6pm: The Chronicles Of Narnia

"Children join forces with the lion mystic Aslan to free the land of Narnia from the White Witch's wintry spell. Based on the novel by C.S. Lewis."

Fri, Dec 12th, 9:30pm: The Chronicles Of Narnia

"Children join forces with the lion mystic Aslan to free the land of Narnia from the White Witch's wintry spell. Based on the novel by C.S. Lewis."

No, that's not a typo. This movie will be shown twice. In a row.
And this movie is listed as 143 minutes, running time. That's 2 hours, 23 minutes, total. There are 3 and a half hours between the first showing at 6pm and the immediately thereafter second showing at 9:30pm. That's 210 minutes. Doing the math, that means you'll be watching 67 minutes of commercials ONLY. That means nearly a third of the time you're sitting watching this thinly veiled biblical metaphor, you're also being prompted to please enjoy Coca-Cola, buy a Dodge, cook with Pam, and douche with Summer's Eve. Don't get me started on the laziness of running this movie back-to-back. In the age of TiVo and DVR, this is totally unnecessary. I'll say it again: this is just lazy programming. The best part of every night of watching ABC Family programming? At the end of every night's lineup, you get to watch The 700 Club! Yaaayyyyy! Christian fundamentalist television! Where do I send my check, Jim Jones?!

The best one, though, is probably the movie listed to the right: A Carol Christmas. I found it on the ABC Family site. It's a real movie and I didn't bother to read the description but I think the cast says it all.

Tori Spelling. Gary Coleman. William Shatner.

Since when does Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes get top billing over Capt. James T. Kirk?!

But to get back on topic and finally bring this Christmas ramble to a close... I could watch Christmas Vacation every day from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Day. But this year, I'm just gonna watch it once. Even though this is the very best Christmas movie ever, Christmas is still about kids. If you're fortunate enough to have your little angels with you on Christmas day, let them watch or do or play with whatever they want. And for my friends who've grown their families recently with their first babies, I hope this is the merriest Christmas ever. Mat and Haley, Chris and Faustina, your new little boy and girl (repsectively) are gonna be the joys of your lives. I'm so happy for all of you and your first family Christmases. Merry Christmas, everyone. Now I gotta go eat, so I can take my back pill. (Yes, Maria, that one was for you...)