Sex and the City

The long awaited, less than anticipated viewing of...

SEX  AND  THE  CITY

Theatrical Release: May 2008... You'd almost think I couldn't wait to see this.

Genre: Chick Flick

Sub-genre: Cougar Chick Flick

Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, who, according to Peter Griffin, "looks like a foot"; that old actress who was kinda hot when she was in Mannequin 

and Police Academy; the hot but annoying brunette; the redhead who turned out to be gay in real life but for no particular reason looks 15 years older than I remember

The overview: HBO's Bible for gay men comes to the big screen. All the character's stories center around the first wedding of a 40-year-old (bullshit!) Carrie Bradshaw. The movie ties up all the loose ends of the show's characters, seen here from left to right:  Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Maranda.

Like your typical hetero husband, I'm as interested in Sex And The City as I would be in helping match shades of cerulean for bridesmaids dresses. I appreciate that the movie starts out with the backstories of the four women the show/movie is based on. In the 4 minutes the credits are rolling, you learn about the important events and peoples involved in all the subplots of the past 6 years. It's great for bringing Joe Six-Pack up to speed (dammit, Palin!) but I have to question why 4 minutes of cougar stories was drawn out over 6 years. I guess I'll cover each of the SATC girls individually. It's easier than trying to intertwine storylines plus it's funnier. Oh God, here we go...

Charlotte: The girliest of the crew, probably the best looking, but undeniably the most grating. I guess Charlotte married a fugly guy who she's very happy with (he looks a lot like me, which is odd) but they had to adopt a Chinese baby. Running out of nuclear family milestones to celebrate herself, she squeals at every indication of an engagement, wedding, pregnancy, Oprah book release, etc... Her subplot is probably the weakest, so I really have little to say about it. Stare hard to spy a nipple slip during her Mexican resort shower scene. 

** Credit Where Credit's Due: I appreciate that the producers of Sex And The City occasionally throw in a nipple, or a bra-less model, or sometimes even a gratuitous, all-out sex scene. Full frontal. Sweaty, attractive people. Booyah. **

Samantha: I get it, Samantha. You like to screw random guys. In the movie, though, Samantha's living her life for a himbo named Smith or Skyy or Something else equally Hollywood. She lives in LA, all her friends still live in NYC. What's a girl to do? Eat. And bitch. I found it irritating to watch a movie starring 4 girls who can afford to fly cross country (first-class, no doubt) or to a Mexican resort on a whim, and then turn my TV back to the news and see the Dow took a 900 point shit today. Samantha seems to embody this disproportionate income-to-lifestyle inequity. She "represents" Skyy Smith, never lifts a finger (except to dial her cell phone), and makes scads of money. She also isn't getting laid. Boo hoo. Samantha's already screwed the lion's share of Manhattan and just because she's not able to spread her legs (and her herpes), I'm supposed to sympathize. Spoiler alert: She dumps the himbo who stayed with her thru CANCER because she "loves herself more than she loves him." Really? Yes, really. Thank God there are two truly interesting people left...

Maranda: Here's a good moral dilemma to get you thru the movie... Maranda and her long-time bartender-turned-househusband, Steve, move to Brooklyn and live the married life. Maranda works too much, never puts out, Steve confesses to nailing some other chick (read: confesses, not confronted, and it was only one time)... Maranda loses it, throws Steve out, he spends the rest of the movie begging for Maranda to take him back. Let me interject this tidbit: they didn't have sex for SIX MONTHS. I understand the two schools of thought people will fall into and I'll say right away, that chick over-reacted. Six months is a looooooong time to turn someone down and a guy can only take so much rejection and rubbing it out in the shower. It's the interesting subplot because it's the most emotionally charged. If you're watching this movie with your significant other (as if you'd gather the guys up, get some beers and watch this), you'll definitely unwittingly voice your opinion, and hopefully she/he agrees with you. 

Carrie: The focal point of the movie is Carrie and her marriage to "Big", a guy who she's been on again, off again with for the duration of the show. Sure, those relationships always make good marriages. Carrie's casual marriage proposal, which literally came out as "So why don't we get married then?", snowballs into an unrecognizable event. I agree with small, intimate, private marriages for people who aren't wild about overblown hoopla. Here's my problem with this story: On the day of the wedding, Big is parked outside the wedding location, watches his bride go in the building, and then calls her to say he's not coming. His reason? She didn't look at him when she got out of her car. Carrie spends the rest of the movie getting over a guy who's dumped her before for one reason or another. She also chooses the perfect place to get over him: the resort they were supposed to honeymoon at. Are you kidding me?! Do women really do this? Some other things Carrie does to move past all this stuff... Gets her old apartment back (in NYC?! Steaming bullshit!), colors her hair, hires an assistant (a refreshing new character in Jennifer Hudson, even though her obsession with fashion and brand names is a little over the top sometimes), and starts her own website. Well, her assistant starts the website. 

I can't say for certain if women really act like this when men aren't around, but my wife said she'd never gone thru her closet and did a wacky fashion show for her friends. Also, I refuse to believe people can live so well doing jobs that don't consume 70+ hours of their week. And, holy shit, is ANYONE as interested in fashion as they make it out to be? Other than fashion models or designers? **Spoiler Alert** The last straw for me was the final scene. Carrie and Big meet at the empty apartment they almost bought. They haven't spoken for months and because he's there, grabbing the Manolo Blahniks she left behind, she takes him back. He even proposes to her right then and there and she says YES! Do you remember how this same situation played out just 6 months ago, Carrie?! Infuriating.

I know I seem to have not enjoyed the movie, but not exactly. The story is good, it's engrossing, and emotionally charged, even from a straight man's perspective. There are many worse movies your wife could make you sit through (Brokeback Mountain? The Notebook?). The brief sex scenes had to have been included to pique the interest of husbands watching. Again, thank you, Darren Star. If you're forced to watch ONE movie this year, just hope it's Sex And The City. 

Best Scene: Final scene of the movie when all 4 of the girls get naked for a foursome. Totally kidding... That, unfortunately, didn't happen. Best scene for real: Charlotte shits her pants in Mexico after drinking the local agua.

Overall: 6 out of 10 - Better than I expected but I'd still rather watch a South Park rerun

Who would enjoy this movie: Your wife. Your wife's token gay friend. Purse enthusiasts. Botox beauties.

What my wife said: "I've never gone through my closet and done a wacky fashion show for my friends. No, never."

Watch it if you like: The series. Glam rock. Fashion Week. Mario Cantone. Botox.

Next In My Netflix Q: Iron Man. No joke here. I hear it's pretty good.

**Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and IMDb for various reference sources**