Zombieland

Theatrical Release: October 2009

Rated: R for "Rampant zombie-bashing"

Genre: Dark comedy. With zombies. So... "Zombedy"

Starring...

Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee: A tough, no-nonsense zombie hater from the suburbs who just wants to prove that he can serve beer in a Boston dive bar with Wesley Snipes

Jesse Eisenberg as Columbus: The scrawny, jittery, terminally awkward guy normally played by Michael Cera. But since Cera's little star has risen like Hef after a Viagra-rita, this film couldn't afford our little George Michael, so we're stuck with this low-rent Bleeker

Emma Stone as Wichita: I feel like I should know this girl but I just look at her and see every other 20-something actress who can turn her head to the side and smile for the cameras while wearing more eye makeup than Billie Joe Armstrong

Abigail Breslin as Little Rock: Yep. Little Miss Sunshine.

Overview: Well, I called it. How does civilization as we know it end? Not with a meteor crash or nuclear winter or even something retarded like plant toxins killing everyone... Nope, it's a zombie apocalypse. And in the post-apocalyptic world, a skinny little virgin with a double-barrel pairs up with Woody from Cheers so they can trek across the country in search of a Twinkie and possibly a sanctuary city. Along the way, they get screwed by a couple of girls (and not in the good way) but eventually reconcile as they make their way to Los Angeles. Because there's no better place to be when a zombie infestation has taken over the living than a densely populated urban area.

Expectations: So-so. Zombie movies have been done to death in the past few years and with rare exception (28 Days Later; Shaun Of The Dead), they were pretty predictable and sorta... Meh. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of zombies. As evidenced by the Easter eggs I made this year...

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

In the decades since George Romero brought us Night Of The Living Dead (link is for entire movie!) in 1968 and the sequel a decade later, Dawn Of The Dead, there have been scores of crappy zombie movie imitators to sift through. (See: The Stuff; Return Of The Living Dead; and The Evil Dead, which - face it - sucked) Zombies movies, like vampire movies, are a dime a dozen. For a long time, Hollywood was content to even crank out the same kind of zombie over and over, with few changes to the formula if any. Zombies were almost always just dead people, risen from their graves thanks to a secret government weapons-grade fog or comet passing too close to the Earth. Their characterisitics were boring and not too frightening, just a group of cadavers walking slowly with their arms outstretched and a low gutteral moan begging for some "Braaaaaiiiiins!!" The rules were always the same... 1) Dead bodies risen from the grave - 2) Stiff, shuffling gait with arms outstretched - 3) The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the brain. If you wanted to make a different kind of zombie movie, you had to either move locations ("Let's set 'em loose in a swamp!"), utilize better effects than your predecessors, or do it in space or some shit like that. Zombies were zombies and there weren't gonna be no changes. 

Unions are notoriously slow to change...

Sometime around the turn of the 21st century, however, zombies moved into a scarier realm: The sprinting zombie. Gone were the days of finishing your sandwich, tidying up the kitchen, weedeating, and checking the mail before the slow-moving undead made their way into your neighborhood. Suddenly zombies were keeping up with Usain Bolt. Add to this newfound ability to haul ass, the second transformation to the zombie genre that made it more frightening and more real: the mode of transmission. While your grandpa's zombies were slow and mostly decayed, the 21st century zombies are just normal people infected with some sort of super-virus, usually manmade (The Rage from 28 Days Later, for example). Now, when a zombie bites someone or vomits blood on them or a you smash their head with a banjo and you get a little blood in your mouth, chances are you're infected too. A short while after transmission, you've got another crazed flesh-eater wreaking havoc at the PTA meeting. And then they bite two friends... And then they bite two friends... And then they bite two friends... And then they bite two friends... Fortunately, the best thing about zombies is the one thing that hasn't changed. Hell, no one's even tried to improve upon it. The very best thing about zombies is that they're easy to kill. Provided you just destroy the brain. In any manner you find appealing! Shoot it; crush it in a vise; set it on fire;  light a stick of dynamite disguised as a cigar, offer it to a zombie and run; it doesn't matter! Just destroy the brain...

And my favorite part of this next generation of zombies is that they usually attack in the daylight. No spooky abandoned warehouses or cemeteries to avoid. They'll find you at two in the afternoon, at the $5 DVD bin at Walmart if they have to. A zombie attack in good lighting, when you can see everything, is much scarier than a partially hidden one. And I'm a big fan of the new breed of zombies because, frankly, the shuffling corpse variety is completely unbelievable and easily solved with enough ammunition and a high vantage point.

Headshot!

Now that we've established why Zombie 2.0 is now the preferred version to feature in your movie, let's talk about Zombieland. A virus has swept the country, possibly the world, and left the few remaining survivors in a post-apocalyptic world akin to Mad Max meets Resident Evil. Now surviving isn't strictly about a person's physicality so much as it is a mindest, although it never hurts to be in shape when zombies run. If you don't have the will to survive, you're going to end up as zombie poop, no matter how many crunches or chin-ups you can do. 

That's how we're introduced to Columbus, our protagonist of Zombieland. Together with his relunctant sidekick, Tallahassee (no names, it lends to getting emotionally involved with someone) they travel from Texas eastward, headed to their namesakes to find... I dunno, maybe they forgot their wallet on the nightstand. I wouldn't go back for anything except my kid.

Not Michael Cera...

Columbus and Tallahassee are very different people. Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) is a loveable redneck who wears a snakeskin jacket, cowboy hat, and seems to have born to think up new ways to kill zombies. Columbus (not Michael Cera), on the other hand, is jittery, nervous, formulaic, and has devised his own set of rules that he literally lives by regarding zombies and how to stay prepared to stay alive. The entire list (the highest number rule is 32) is never laid out in the movie but I'll take care of that after we examine the partial list below...

Rule # 1: Cardio

Couldn't agree more. In fact, if you wanted to survive the zombie apocalypse, it might not be a bad idea to pal around with some well-armed fatties. Eventually they're going to have to reload, which means they'll have to run away, which means they'll eventually peter out. According to Max Brooks, author of The Zombie Survival Guide, since zombies feel no physical sensation whatsoever and their stamina is not dictated by pain or exhaustion, they can go on running indefinitely. FOREVER. How long do you think a redneck smoker with a 40-pound beer belly carrying a 7-pound Mossberg can run with two 3-pound boxes of shotgun shells banging around in his cargo pockets while trying to reload? Not nearly as long as it took you to read that sentence. So try jogging a little. Because you just have to be faster than one person.

Zombie food...

Rule # 2: Double tap

This one's a no-brainer (Zombie joke!) To avoid the sudden reanimation of the zombie you were certain you just put down, go back and hit / shoot / stab / drive over that thing one more time. Just to be sure...

Alternate Rule # 2 (Deleted scene): Ziploc bags

Wouldn't it suck if your matches, ammo, map, or cigarettes got soaked. Like Not Michael Cera says: "You've got enough problems in Zombieland without moisture being one of them."

Rule # 3: Beware of bathrooms

Unless you can forever poop with a loaded 12-gauge pointed at the stall door. Me? I gotta relax a little more than that. I would recommend finding a bathroom with a locking door made of heavy metal.

Rule # 4: Fasten your seatbelt

Because zombies, unlike T.J. Hooker, can't hang on to the hood of your car when you jam on the brakes at 65mph. Also, seat belts save lives...

Rule # 6 (Deleted Scene): Cast iron skillet

In a house where virtually no other weaponry is available, this is gonna have to do. Not to mention it's solid and heavy so any pan-to-skull contact is gonna feel like hitting the sweet spot on a Louisville Slugger.

Rule # 7: Travel light

You certainly don't wanna be hauling around Her Royal Highness's matched luggage. Just a clean pair of underwear, socks, 2-3 shirts, and an extra pair of jeans. Everything else you can pick up on the road, if need be. Our hero, Not Michael Cera chose one of those gay little suitcases with wheels on it. I take issue with this and I'll be covering this more in-depth later.

Rule # 12 (Deleted Scene): Bounty paper towels

Although a good rule to keep unwanted fluids at a minimum, I felt this deleted scene was a shameless commercial. Eat it, Bounty! I use Brawny!

Rule # 15 (Deleted Scene): Bowling ball

Apparently this makes a helluva weapon according to Oh-Shut-The-Hell-Up. A bowling ball is a terrible weapon. It has no handle, it's nearly impossible to control, and it's stupid heavy. You might as well just carry around a big ass rock.

Rule # 17: Don't be a hero

Both versions are true. It just depends on who you're willing to be the hero for. Choose wisely...

Rule # 18: Limber up

Kinda goes hand-in-hand with cardio. The couch potato fatties will be the first to go in the zombie apocalypse. No one wants their epitaph to read:

"Eaten by zombies when he pulled a hammie. Shoulda stretched"

Rule # 22: When in doubt, know your way out

Great bit of advice. Always have an exit strategy. Don't get yourself backed into a corner. Don't always assume you can run roughshod into Iraq some unknown building unless you have a clear plan of action with a known egress point. 

It's called "planning", Bobby. It's its own reward...

Rule # 29 (Deleted Scene): Buddy system

Like a field trip to science museum, the buddy system works. Unless you're both overpowered and eaten by zombies but at least you died with your buddy nearby.

Rule # 31: Check the back seat

Right. Because zombies are known for their cunning use of the Hiding-In-The-Backseat-So-No-One-Can-See-Me technique. This rule should be amended to "Check the back seat for anything useful."

Rule # 32: Enjoy the little things

In this case, the little things are Twinkies, Ghostbusters, a secure place to poop, and getting to first base with a girl who left you for dead.

Rule # 33 (Deleted Scene): Swiss Army knife

Not a bad idea. Provided your Swiss Army knife looks like this...

Seriously. This is Zombieland. Not the Boy Scout Jamboree...

I can't tell you how much I really liked this movie. There's something about watching a movie about surviving a zombie apocalypse that sets me to daydreaming about how well I'd do in just such a scenario. It's the same rush of adrenaline I get when I watch Survivorman and scrutinize a professional by telling myself what I'd do better. Personally, I think I'd be fucking awesome in Zombieland. And not just because I've already developed a contingency plan that involves heading to the mountains of West Virginia with a rented camper and the fact that Omaha is a badass nickname). While this might seem a little arrogant, don't judge me until you read my list of additional rules...

Add Rule # 5: Always carry a non-firearm weapon

This is where I shine. Your arsenal just can't be a bunch of guns. Guns rust, they run out of ammo, they jam (remember SPORTS!), they take time to reload, and ammo is very heavy and not always available. When you're out of ammo, you're just a guy being weighted down by a big metal stick.


Your best bet for a full zombie attack armory can be found by raiding your local Home Depot's Lawn & Garden section. My personal favorites...

Round Point Shovel: Easy to find, requires no cleaning or special training. Sharp steel tip, great for stabbing at the zombie's head. Great multipurpose tool. The handle on the end is recommended, for optimal thrust. Fiberglass shafts only.

Steel crowbar: Another great multipurpose tool and a favorite of Max Brooks, the man who literally wrote the book on surviving the zombie apocalypse. Short, comparatively light, easy to swing, and great for close-range bludgeoning or stabbing. 

Machete: A good standby weapon. Always have a couple of these where you can reach them, including one sheathed on your belt. Works equally well for Rwandan genocide...

Ditch Bank Blade: My personal favorite. Lightweight for its size, sharp as hell, and it gives you a good 2-3 feet of distance between you and the infected. Ya know, so you don't get brain spray on you. Is the guy behind me a zombie? 


Claw hammers are no good because, although weighty and fun to wield, you have to get awfully close to use it. Matter of fact, any weapon with a claw end on it is no good at all. Axes and pickaxes, especially, will get caught in a zombie like they do in a wood-splitting log. Then you're screwed. But don't think of this list as all-inclusive. After all, it's your zombie apocalypse, too. Get creative!


But if you're the kind of person who has to have a gun...

Add Rule # 8: Always reload immediately

As soon as your clip is emptied or both barrels have been fired, reload. Don't wait. Even if you think the coast is clear.

Add Rule # 9: There's safety in numbers

Don't try to go it alone. And don't break away from a group of people because you don't wanna get too attached. In one scene in the movie, the girls run away from their male survivor counterparts because... They're hormonal, shit, I don't know. Maybe they thought being "safe" meant being "vulnerable." Ultimately, it almost cost everyone their lives. So... Way to go.

Add Rule # 10: Backpacks

The most universal tool you can have. It carries food, medicine, ammo, smaller handheld weapons, and your Ziploc baggies. They also free your hands in order to fend off an advancing attacker, reload your pump-action, or unwrap a Twinkie. Everyone on LOST wore them and they survived a time-traveling island that keeps the evil out of the world.

Add Rule # 11: A mode of transportation NOT gasoline-powered

Eventually, you're gonna find yourself stranded without a gas station. When that happens, you can either live in that GMC Suburban which used to be a fort on wheels or you can pull that 10-speed out of the back and ride it somewhere safe. Or a Razor scooter, whatever...


Of course, everyone is going to have to survive depending on their particular environment when if zombies overrun the Earth. But this movie just takes an obsessive-compulsive's rules for surviving an unsurvivable situation and allows you to laugh at it. A funny exploration of a genre that, quite often, takes itself a little too seriously. But not as serious as vampires. The sequel should be Vampireville...

Overall: 8 out of 10. A hilarious movie. I forgot how good Woody Harrelson was at doing comedy. And that's what this movie is. It's not to be taken seriously and you shouldn't try to glean any life lessons from the subtext. It's just a funny movie about bashing zombies. Kissed him upside the cranium with an aluminum baseball bat. 


But it was just too short! Excluding credits, the movie was about 1 hour, 25 minutes or, according to Rob, just 3 minutes short of the Spongebob Squarepants movie. There was easily another half hour of story with killer jokes that could've been included, just by adding the "rules" from the deleted scenes. Also, for zombie survival purists like myself, there were a few glaring omissions from The Rules.

Best Scene: 

**SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT**

Bill Murray. I have no idea why he chose to play himself in this movie but it was awesome. Maybe he needed the paycheck. Maybe he knew someone on the production staff. Maybe the producers just came to him and said "We want you in this movie. You can shoot it in one day and you never have to leave your house. And don't bother learning any lines, just make shit up as you go. Also, we'll pay you a gazillion dollars. We cool?"

If you haven't seen it yet, I've already given too much away (Why didn't you pay attention the SPOILER ALERT?!) When Tallahassee meets Bill Murray and goes off on a fanboy rant about how awesome he is, I am Tallahassee in that scene. And then to sit around in Dr. Peter Venkman's house, smoking pot, listening to BOC, playing Ghostbusters(!), well I can't believe that was all in this movie. 

Best Lines: 


Tallahassee: I'm not good at farewells, so... That'll do, pig.


Little Rock to Bill Murray, as he's dying: Do you have any regrets?
Bill Murray: 'Garfield', maybe?


Little Rock: Who's Bill Murray?
Tallahassee: Look, I've never hit a kid before...

What my wife said: She was too busy gloating over her choice. She picked this movie out. I wanted to watch The Informant.

Who would enjoy this movie: TV producers. Because when there is a zombie apocalypse, you better believe that shit's gonna become a reality show. The real SURVIVOR.

Braaaaaaaiiiiiiinnns?

Watch it if you like: Shaun of the Dead; Army of Darkness; Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Next in the Q: Maybe Howard the Duck... Depends on how dated it feels when I watch it.