Theatrical Release: November 2008... Early summah Down Undah...
Genre: Historical Epic
Sub-Genre: Failed Historical Epic
Starring: Wolverine; The former Mrs. Tom Cruise (Fact: Nicole Kidman left Tom Cruise because of his wackadoo Scientology beliefs and she was tired of never being able to wear high heels anymore... Tom Cruise is like 5' 3", yo!);
Overview: In 1940's Australia, Lady Sarah Ashley (Nicole Kidman), travels from England to Australia to take over her recently deceased husband's cattle farm and prevent it from falling into the hands of King Carney (not an actual "carnie"), Australia's biggest supplier of beef to the Aussie Army. The employees on the cattle ranch turn out to be crooked child-beaters so she fires them and asks a fully-bearded Hugh Jackman (some guy named Drover) if he wants to drive the cattle from the ranch in the middle of nowhere to the coast. He reluctantly agrees, some shit goes down, and they make the final delivery. Think that's the end? You're sadly mistaken. Then, the movie follows the story of Sarah and Drover, all against the backdrop of WWII and aboriginal ethnic cleansing. Yup, it's a love story!
This movie has it all! Action, adventure, romance, bombings, cattle, re-education camps, the Outback, Nicole Kidman's side boob!... And it all sucks. Australia is a 2 hour and 45 minute attempt at making an epic film that just falls flat. Take every movie cliche, every two-dimensional character, blend them with what appears to two separate movies that somehow star the same people, throw in some white guilt and you've got yourself Australia.
You're clued in almost immediately by the opening text shot which tells the audience that during the early days of the 20th century in Australia "adventure and romance was a way of life." Are you kidding me? I rolled my eyes when I read that and wondered aloud if they'd rip that line from the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. The movie has a good pace with some great landscapes of the Australian Outback. I even suspended my disbelief when the story sort of evolved into City Slickers when the only people left to drive a herd of 1500 cattle across the desert was Drover (Jackman), Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman with her gristly, Madonna-like muscular forearms), an 8-year-old Aborigine boy named Nullah, Nullah's mom, another older Aborigine lady who disappears from the film for no reason, and your standard recovering lovable functional alcoholic. The only person missing from that scene is Billy Crystal.
At some point during the ramshackle cattle drive, amid all the pointless whip-cracking, sexual tension is discovered between Lady Sarah and Drover. Par for the course with any Hugh Jackman movie, there's the following scene of unnecessary shirtlessness...
My god, if there was a drinking game that involved taking a shot of Grey Goose every time Hugh Jackman appeared on screen shirtless, you'd be passed out in your own vomit halfway through any of his movies. And if you went to see the new Wolverine movie and played that game, you'd die of alcohol poisoning. Put a shirt on, Hugh! I get it, already! Your 45-years-old and your pecs are huge. I'll even buy the shirt for you, if you just promise to put it on already.
Here comes my biggest issue with this movie... Of course the cattle are delivered to the awaiting military supply ship at Darwin in the nick of time. Of course Lady Sarah is allowed into the Men Only bar at Drover's insistence since she pulled her weight just like a man. If the movie ended at this part, it would be a whole movie, albeit just a little short at 1 hour and 20 minutes. But then for no reason, another movie seems to start at this point... The love story around Lady Sarah and Drover. The subplot of which is little Nullah not being taken away to a government run orphanage. There's also the confusing relationship between the fired prior caretaker, Fletcher, who is also Nullah's bastard father. Don't try to keep up... Just bear this in mind: When the cattle drive is over, another hour and a half of a movie is added on in order to qualify this movie as an "epic." Don't forget, any movie Hollywood cranks out that's more than 2 hours and 15 minutes is an instant epic. 'Epic' literally means "imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary." And while the movie certainly is imposing, it's far from impressive. This movie tries to jam every genre it possibly can into as long a span of celluloid as you can ship to a theater. And it fails at every one of them. The love story is predictable and not believable, for starters. Drover only had past relationships with Aborigine women, a sort of Jungle Fever, if you will (Outback Fever?) Suddenly he switches gears and falls in love with this snotty Lady Sarah (Suburb Fever?) Whatever. The action portion of the movie involves a few scenes of the Japanese bombing Darwin, which is a chapter from the history books I'm unfamiliar with (not to mention America's got its own Japanese bombing from WWII to feel somber about). The comedy is sporadic and not very funny, and often ruined by tragedy. Remember the lovable functional alcoholic? Yeah, he gets stampeded to death and someone thought it was a great idea to show his death scene. Trampled, mangled body and all. It stopped being funny right then.
Then there's the attempt at the historical drama... To give you a quick background on Australian history, after Australia became its own country in 1901, the government didn't recognize Aborigines as citizens. For a few decades, many Aboriginal children were asked to be taken to orphanages run by the government for the purposes of assimilating them into civilized society. Some of those children were even forceably removed from their mothers. This practice continued until nearly 1970 (wow) and these children are known as Australia's Stolen Generation. It's a very dark part of history and one most Americans aren't aware of (I know I wasn't) but let me interject this... As an American, I already have my own shameful domestic history of oppression of the indigenous people. Not to mention the slave trade of the early America's that we had to fight a war to abolish. I feel for Australia's Aborigines but I've got enough white guilt for one continent, thank you. That being said, I do commend the film for bringing this episode of history to light. Like I said, I didn't even know this ever happened. You know what would be a terrific movie, and deserving of the adjective, "epic"? A movie only about the Stolen Generation. It certainly seems like the kind of story worth telling on its own without Nicole Kidman's collagen-injected face making an appearance.
All told, Australia could've been good. Shorten it up by a half-hour, choose a genre, try to get out from under the arsenal of cliches employed in the film, and I might've enjoyed it. Instead, you're left with an over-the-top hodge-podge, badly written, and when it was all over I felt like I owed someone an apology. I'm sure whoever is responsible for this turd of a movie is patting himself on the back for all of his efforts. But just because a movie is long doesn't mean it's good. If you're
looking to kill three hours, mow your lawn instead.
You're clued in almost immediately by the opening text shot which tells the audience that during the early days of the 20th century in Australia "adventure and romance was a way of life." Are you kidding me? I rolled my eyes when I read that and wondered aloud if they'd rip that line from the cover of a Harlequin romance novel. The movie has a good pace with some great landscapes of the Australian Outback. I even suspended my disbelief when the story sort of evolved into City Slickers when the only people left to drive a herd of 1500 cattle across the desert was Drover (Jackman), Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman with her gristly, Madonna-like muscular forearms), an 8-year-old Aborigine boy named Nullah, Nullah's mom, another older Aborigine lady who disappears from the film for no reason, and your standard recovering lovable functional alcoholic. The only person missing from that scene is Billy Crystal.At some point during the ramshackle cattle drive, amid all the pointless whip-cracking, sexual tension is discovered between Lady Sarah and Drover. Par for the course with any Hugh Jackman movie, there's the following scene of unnecessary shirtlessness...
My god, if there was a drinking game that involved taking a shot of Grey Goose every time Hugh Jackman appeared on screen shirtless, you'd be passed out in your own vomit halfway through any of his movies. And if you went to see the new Wolverine movie and played that game, you'd die of alcohol poisoning. Put a shirt on, Hugh! I get it, already! Your 45-years-old and your pecs are huge. I'll even buy the shirt for you, if you just promise to put it on already.
Here comes my biggest issue with this movie... Of course the cattle are delivered to the awaiting military supply ship at Darwin in the nick of time. Of course Lady Sarah is allowed into the Men Only bar at Drover's insistence since she pulled her weight just like a man. If the movie ended at this part, it would be a whole movie, albeit just a little short at 1 hour and 20 minutes. But then for no reason, another movie seems to start at this point... The love story around Lady Sarah and Drover. The subplot of which is little Nullah not being taken away to a government run orphanage. There's also the confusing relationship between the fired prior caretaker, Fletcher, who is also Nullah's bastard father. Don't try to keep up... Just bear this in mind: When the cattle drive is over, another hour and a half of a movie is added on in order to qualify this movie as an "epic." Don't forget, any movie Hollywood cranks out that's more than 2 hours and 15 minutes is an instant epic. 'Epic' literally means "imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary." And while the movie certainly is imposing, it's far from impressive. This movie tries to jam every genre it possibly can into as long a span of celluloid as you can ship to a theater. And it fails at every one of them. The love story is predictable and not believable, for starters. Drover only had past relationships with Aborigine women, a sort of Jungle Fever, if you will (Outback Fever?) Suddenly he switches gears and falls in love with this snotty Lady Sarah (Suburb Fever?) Whatever. The action portion of the movie involves a few scenes of the Japanese bombing Darwin, which is a chapter from the history books I'm unfamiliar with (not to mention America's got its own Japanese bombing from WWII to feel somber about). The comedy is sporadic and not very funny, and often ruined by tragedy. Remember the lovable functional alcoholic? Yeah, he gets stampeded to death and someone thought it was a great idea to show his death scene. Trampled, mangled body and all. It stopped being funny right then.
Then there's the attempt at the historical drama... To give you a quick background on Australian history, after Australia became its own country in 1901, the government didn't recognize Aborigines as citizens. For a few decades, many Aboriginal children were asked to be taken to orphanages run by the government for the purposes of assimilating them into civilized society. Some of those children were even forceably removed from their mothers. This practice continued until nearly 1970 (wow) and these children are known as Australia's Stolen Generation. It's a very dark part of history and one most Americans aren't aware of (I know I wasn't) but let me interject this... As an American, I already have my own shameful domestic history of oppression of the indigenous people. Not to mention the slave trade of the early America's that we had to fight a war to abolish. I feel for Australia's Aborigines but I've got enough white guilt for one continent, thank you. That being said, I do commend the film for bringing this episode of history to light. Like I said, I didn't even know this ever happened. You know what would be a terrific movie, and deserving of the adjective, "epic"? A movie only about the Stolen Generation. It certainly seems like the kind of story worth telling on its own without Nicole Kidman's collagen-injected face making an appearance.All told, Australia could've been good. Shorten it up by a half-hour, choose a genre, try to get out from under the arsenal of cliches employed in the film, and I might've enjoyed it. Instead, you're left with an over-the-top hodge-podge, badly written, and when it was all over I felt like I owed someone an apology. I'm sure whoever is responsible for this turd of a movie is patting himself on the back for all of his efforts. But just because a movie is long doesn't mean it's good. If you're
Overall: 4 out of 10. Nice try, What's-His-Name Australian director who I didn't even bother to learn your name. Maybe you should stick to directing Vegemite commercials. (His name, by the way, is Baz Luhrmann, and he directed, wrote, produced, and did the music for this movie. He may have also cooked the hot dogs for the catering table and walked Nicole Kidman's peekapoo between takes.)
Best Scene: Probably the final scene. But only because it was retarded. Nullah runs across a field of scorched, freshly bombed earth to finally reunite with Sarah Ashley. Meanwhile, Fletcher, the fired and crossed sonofabitch, has had enough and reasons that shooting his bastard son will solve all his problems. Meanerwhile, King George is watching this all play out from his perch on top of the water tower (which is somehow the only structure that wasn't destroyed by dive bombing Zero's). Nullah's running, Fletcher shoots and Nullah falls to the ground before he ever reaches Sarah Ashley. Don't worry: In true epic cliche fashion, the bad guy gets it in the end. King George threw his spear right through Fletcher's chest (from like, 50 yards, mind you) a split second before Fletcher fired. So why did Nullah collapse to the ground motionless at the the exact same moment Fletcher shot and King George threw his spear? I have no idea. The kid wasn't even grazed. Maybe instead of going on a Walkabout, Nullah should just practice Walking.
What my wife said: Jessi didn't watch this one. When asked why, she said, "I don't have the patience for movies that think they're more important than they are." Buh-Zing!
Who would enjoy this movie: Chicks. Sorry, ladies. You're the only ones who I've discovered still say they really liked this movie. Some of you even admitted to crying. You know who you are and chances are you and I don't regularly hang out.
Watch it if you like: Pearl Harbor. Armageddon. Any movie that's really a Chick Flick masquerading as a movie for guys.
Next in the Q: Who knows? I'm still waiting for some butthole to return the only copy of The Kite Runner that the library carries and I've been here for more than two weeks. When I get a movie worth telling you about, I'll post it. And I'll try to get to the requests first, I promise.
Baz Lurhmann, wasn't he the guy that did Moulin Rouge, Romeo + Juliet, and that catchy spoken word piece Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)?
ReplyDeleteThat guy is actually pretty talented; in a strange twisted sort of way.
One and the same, absolutely. Now Moulin Rouge (although the quintessential Chick Flick) was original in it's presentation with new rendering of some classic music and Romeo + Juliet was certainly innovative and proved that Shakespeare's stories are timeless. But Australia just failed, as far as I'm concerned. Baz has talent, sure, but sometimes studios throw obscene amounts of money at people just because of their name.
ReplyDelete