The Top 5 Best Christmas Movies Ever!

For those of you who haven't noticed by now, I'm kind of a sucker for all things Christmas. I put up a grotesque amount of lights, Christmas songs start erupting out of my mouth as early as November 1st, I put Christmas ringtones on my phone (this year it's "Mele Kalikimaka (Hawaiian Christmas)" by Bing Crosby), and of course, being a huge nerd for movies, I watch as many sappy Christmas movies as I can. Oh sure, Christmas has it's classic movies and sure, some of them are standard watching, but I think, as a rule, everyone should own these movies (except #2). If you haven't seen all of these movies, make it your mission to go to WalMart or your local DVD bootlegger and pay the money for these movies. So, without further ado...

The Top 5 Best Christmas Movies Ever!

5. Gremlins

Theatrical Release Date: June 1984. A Christmas movie, released in June? It must've done really well when it went to Beta.

Why it's one of The Best: I'll bet you forgot this was a Christmas movie, huh? So did I, until just about two weeks ago! The movie itself is a classic and a lot of scenes perfectly encapsulate your average daily existence in the mid-80's. The furniture, clothing styles, interiors, lingo, everythin

g is just perfectly (and realistically) 80's. Sometimes movies from that decade were filled with distracting reminders that the 80's were dumb. But Gremlins just happens to take place in that time period, the story is a true original, everybody had some Gizmo merchandise in their house, and most importantly, the small town Christmas feel is prevalent throughout the entire movie. It's cozy, even if it is on fire.

Best Scene: Immediately after the Mogwais hatch into Gremlins, they head downstairs only to encounter the wrath of Billy's Mom! She juices the first one in a giant mixing bowl, the second she just stabs repeatedly, prison-style, and the third one she sprays in the face with oven cleaner before she shoves him in the microwave and essplodes him. Awesome.

Best Line: "Gizmo. Caca."

4. Scrooged

Theatrical Release Date: November 1988

Why it's one of The Best: Two words: Bill. Murray. And by far the best adaptation of any Dickens work. It's still recognizable to it's original story but it's different enough to be a good movie independent of Christmas. You could watch this in July and laugh your ass off. But Bill Murray brings his "A" game in this one. Snarky, sarcastic, quick, smart... And in this movie, he's just a huge asshole. Exactly what a modern Ebenezer Scrooge should be. And in the end, his transformation seems the most believable of any version of this story that I've seen.

Best Scene: I had a real hard time picking just one scene out of this movie. My personal favorite, and you can comment at the end of this posting with YOUR favorite scenes, is the opening scene, when Frank Cross is pitching his version of A Christmas Carol to the TV network he runs. Everyone else is horrified at his imagining of the retelling of this story, but Frank's just smiling like an 8-year-old on his birthday, mouthing along to the narrator, completely enjoying himself.

Best Lines: "We're indivisible. If I'm workin' late, you GOTTA work late! If you can't work late, I can't work late! If I can't work late, I CAN'T WORK LATE!"

Or...

"Would you please, for the love of God and your own bodies, STOP THE GOD DAMN HAMMERING?!"

3. It's A Wonderful Life

Theatrical Release Date: January 1947 (After Christmas?!)

Why it's one of The Best: Confession time. I'd never seen this movie until about 5 days ago. Personally, I'm not a huge fan of old movies. I think the dialog is usually dated, the acting could normally be better, and I think a LOT of dramatic effect is lost when you can only see the world in black and white. That being said, I'm glad no one (to my knowledge) has tried to remake this movie. If you're like me and never took the time to see it, you'll understand why it's so loved after you watch it just one time. I think this movie is good as a stand-alone film, not just something you have to watch at Christmas time. I understand WHY it's so popular this time of year but the vast majority of the movie is a recap George Bailey's life. The end is really the only time Christmas plays a part but it's the embodiment of The Christmas Miracle. It's only because there was less of a focus on Christmas that I put this one at #3 instead of #2. But what a good movie.

Best Scene: Oh man. The last scene, when Mary flings the door open and says that they're all on their way and when the door bursts back open, the whole town is coming to George Bailey's rescue, no questions asked, no hesitation, and everyone seems so happy and eager to help their friend. I'm getting all sorts of misty-eyed just thinking about it.

Best Line: Say it with me... "Look, Daddy! Teacher says, every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings!" Now go get a Kleenex. Sniffle...

2. A Christmas Story

Theatrical Release Date: November 1983

Why it's one of The Best: If you haven't seen A Christmas Story every year since you were a fetus (or since '83, when it came out), you're either from Kyrgyzstan, a blind deaf-mute, or a Jehovah's Witness. Even Mormons like this movie! From the opening music to the nostalgic setting of the northern American midwest in the 50's, this movie is oozing with Christmas. It's kind of hard to find it on TV before Christmas Eve now and I'm pretty sure the only time you can watch it is the 24 consecutive hours it's played on TNT, starting on Christmas Eve. Personally, I think this is such an awesome idea. Ted Turner might be a self-admitted manic-depressive but he called this one right. By owning the rights to the movie and refusing to play it any time before the 24th and then to play it for 24 hours solid, it solidifies the movies legendary status and simultaneously provides something festive to have on in the background for Christmas. You HAVE to watch this movie once a year. You have no excuse, it's on NON-STOP. (And that's why it's unnecessary to own this on DVD) Plus, the movie details just what Christmas can be about for a kid: wanting something so bad, hoping against hope that just the miraculous nature of Christmas (with some help from Santa) would allow for you to get the one present you want more than anything in the world. Ever. My Red Ryder Air Rifle was an original gray box Nintendo. All my friends had one and I couldn't always go to someone else's house to play their system. But Christmas of 1989, me and my sister ripped off the wrapping, revealing the distinct box and we just screamed our little heads off for Super Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt. And a partridge in a pear tree...

Best Scene: While I think everyone has their favorite in this movie, the one scene that always still makes me laugh is when Ralphie's dad is cradling the destroyed remains of his Major Award Lamp. Of course, Ralphie's mom hated the lamp and when he asks her to get the glue she says they're all out. Seething, he tells her that she used all the glue on purpose and he gets up, yanks his hat down on his head, spins around and says, "Not a finger!" which makes absolutely no sense and is most likely a true story from Jean Shepherd's childhood. I love that line. And Ralphie's dad is a pretty under-appreciated character. Here's the whole scene...

Best Lines: "You'll shoot your eye out!"

Or...

The full quote is: "I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" (Editor's Note: I'm pretty sure his request sometimes ends with "...with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time!" If I'm wrong, and you notice during the marathon on Christmas Eve, please let me know.)

Or...

"I triple dog dare ya!"

Or...

"Fra-gi-le... Oh, it must be Italian!"

**Fact: Scott Schwartz (Flick) grew up to be an adult film actor. No. Shit.**

And the Number One movie is... Drumroll!

1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation

Theatrical Release Date: December 1989

Why it's THE BEST: Because so many Christmas movies are overwrought with sappy sentiment or geared towards separating you from your family dollar. This is the movie you watch as an adult after the kids have gone to bed. It's hilarious from the word go and Chevy Chase is a one-of-a-kind comedic actor. And while this movie isn't for family viewing in bad sweaters and egg nog sucking, it still maintains it's Christmas feel. Clark just wants to give his (uninvited) extended family the best Christmas ever. And in true Griswold style, he shoots too high and falls flat on his face. Literally, at times. Slapstick is in large supply but so are the clever jokes. So are the dirty jokes. This movie is just joke after joke and if you haven't seen any other movie on this list, you need to watch this. Today. If only for the scenes with Randy Quaid playing Cousin Eddie.

Best Scene: Every scene. From the beginning, where Clark drives the family under a logging truck, to the bitter end when Eddie kidnaps Clark's boss and kicks him in the ass when he's marching him up the driveway. If I had to pick one, though, and I feel obligated to, it'd be the mistake of covering a sled with an experimental cooking oil and sledding down a hill. Clark blazes a trail through the forest, over a frozen lake, across a busy road, and into a WalMart parking lot. Absolute hysteria. I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.

Best Lines: See below...

Or...

It should be noted that I got more than one recommendation to follow this bLogg up with a "Top 5 Worst Christmas Movies Ever" list, but do you have any idea how many positively BAD Christmas movies there are out there? I mean, just truly awful, horrendous movies. You can find any of them on ABC Family, either just before, slightly after or sometimes, unfortunately, during primetime. Here are just two night's worth of quality family programming on ABC Family, the go-to channel for watered-down Christmas crap...

Wed, Dec 17th, 9pm: Snow 2: Brain Freeze

"When Santa lands in the hospital with amnesia, his wife must find a way to save Christmas."

I think if Santa found himself in a hospital with amnesia, he'd either immediately realize he was Santa, thanks to the distinctive outfit and ever-present jolliness, or he'd think he was a mall Santa who'd gotten drunk and wandered home from Slippery's Tavern, crashed his sleigh (i.e., 1998 Hyundai Sonata), and probably has a warrant out. Either way, mental illness is no laughing matter. Even when it involves Santa. Would it be hilarious if Santa were diagnosed with Alzheimer's and started pooing himself in the off-season or forgetting how to get home to the North Pole? Kind of. And here's the best part: this is a sequel! I loved Snow 1, where nothing extraordinary happened. I've never seen it, but I'll bet I'm right. Here's another...

Sun, Dec 21st, 6pm: The Incredibles

Sun, Dec 21st, 8:30pm: Cars

Sun, Dec 21st, 11pm: Year Without A Santa

"Santa takes day off."

Well, nothing says Christmas to me like Pixar movies starring Samuel L. Jackson ("Merry motherf**king Christmas!") and Larry the Cable Guy. Plus, is the "Year Without A Santa" a little too edgy for you, ABC Family? You have to play that one at 11pm, after the kids have gone to bed and when any other respectable cable channel is playing it's lineup of softcore porn. THANK YOU. For daring to air "Year Without A Santa." And give me a little more with the movie description. Cuz if Santa took May 14th off, who cares? here's one more...

Fri, Dec 12th, 6pm: The Chronicles Of Narnia

"Children join forces with the lion mystic Aslan to free the land of Narnia from the White Witch's wintry spell. Based on the novel by C.S. Lewis."

Fri, Dec 12th, 9:30pm: The Chronicles Of Narnia

"Children join forces with the lion mystic Aslan to free the land of Narnia from the White Witch's wintry spell. Based on the novel by C.S. Lewis."

No, that's not a typo. This movie will be shown twice. In a row.
And this movie is listed as 143 minutes, running time. That's 2 hours, 23 minutes, total. There are 3 and a half hours between the first showing at 6pm and the immediately thereafter second showing at 9:30pm. That's 210 minutes. Doing the math, that means you'll be watching 67 minutes of commercials ONLY. That means nearly a third of the time you're sitting watching this thinly veiled biblical metaphor, you're also being prompted to please enjoy Coca-Cola, buy a Dodge, cook with Pam, and douche with Summer's Eve. Don't get me started on the laziness of running this movie back-to-back. In the age of TiVo and DVR, this is totally unnecessary. I'll say it again: this is just lazy programming. The best part of every night of watching ABC Family programming? At the end of every night's lineup, you get to watch The 700 Club! Yaaayyyyy! Christian fundamentalist television! Where do I send my check, Jim Jones?!

The best one, though, is probably the movie listed to the right: A Carol Christmas. I found it on the ABC Family site. It's a real movie and I didn't bother to read the description but I think the cast says it all.

Tori Spelling. Gary Coleman. William Shatner.

Since when does Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes get top billing over Capt. James T. Kirk?!

But to get back on topic and finally bring this Christmas ramble to a close... I could watch Christmas Vacation every day from the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas Day. But this year, I'm just gonna watch it once. Even though this is the very best Christmas movie ever, Christmas is still about kids. If you're fortunate enough to have your little angels with you on Christmas day, let them watch or do or play with whatever they want. And for my friends who've grown their families recently with their first babies, I hope this is the merriest Christmas ever. Mat and Haley, Chris and Faustina, your new little boy and girl (repsectively) are gonna be the joys of your lives. I'm so happy for all of you and your first family Christmases. Merry Christmas, everyone. Now I gotta go eat, so I can take my back pill. (Yes, Maria, that one was for you...)