Top 5 Movies To Watch On Halloween... And 5 To Avoid Altogether...

As a latch-key kid, my post-school routine involved pushing the stepstool up to the counter, standing tiptoe on the counter, grabbing a cookie out of the jar on top of the fridge, then putting away the evidence of cookie thievery and plopping my butt on the couch to watch Danger Mouse. In October of every year, most every show had at least one Halloween-themed episode, like when Scrooge McDuck opened a monster movie theater (Full episode: 1 of 3; 2 of 3; 3 of 3) or when the Flinstone kids built Frankenpebble. My all-time favorite, however, (and no longer on the air every year) was the prime time special, Garfield's Halloween Adventure. As I got older and grew away from (but not out of) those specials, I noticed that scary movies were good for two things: 1) Giving you more nightmares about things that aren't supposed to be scary than Watership Down ever did, and... 2) Getting girls to grab you. And by the time I grew away from Garfield, I was way into girls grabbing me.

My favorite scary movies aren't about Halloween at all. Even Rob Zombie's poop-inducing revamp of the Michael Meyers franchise doesn't cut it for me, mainly because... How many times has that story been told? 15? 20? I get it. Crazy guy with a mask and emphysema terrorizes suburban neighborhood with a knife. Girls scream. Jamie Lee Curtis takes her top off. To make a different movie, replace white William Shatner mask with a hockey mask, switch suburban neighborhood for summer camp - BOOM - you've got a different movie. That isn't really that different.

So what I've compiled below are my 5 Favorite Scary Movies (followed by 5 to avoid altogether). They have almost nothing to do with Halloween but they're scary in ways that don't involve predictable and overused plots, gallons of red corn syrup, or Jamie Lee Curtis's now incontinent chesticles. If you have a movie you'd like to add (to either list), feel free to add your comments after this post or in the Reader's Comment's section down the right side of the page... Here we go!

5. Twilight Zone: The Movie

Straight out of 1983, this terrifying update-in-movie-form of the already terrifying-in-TV-form features four different segments (five if you count the opening scene), some based on original TV show episodes. A lot of people don't even know this movie exists but if you've seen it once, you know why it's in my Top 5. The Twilight Zone didn't usually rely on gore and shock to scare the crap out of you. It did a good enough job by bringing the fear to a slow simmer then pulling the rug out from under you. No Devil's Rejects needed, thank you. To add to the creepiness of this movie, veteran actor Vic Morrow and two children were actually killed on-set during filming when a pyrotechnic scene went bad and a helicopter FELL ON THEM, MOVING ROTOR FIRST. (Read that again if it didn't sink in...) Director John Landis and some of his crew actually stood trial on three counts of involuntary manslaughter, although all were acquitted. The segment featuring Vic Morrow is still in the movie.

Best Scene: For my money, the opening scene with Dan Aykroyd and Albert Brooks. Every time I hear CCR's "Midnight Special" now, I get the chills...

4. Killer Klowns From Outer Space

Ok, so not all my favorite Halloween movies are scary. And with KKFOS, I never figured out if this movie is supposed to be scary or ironically scary. It's badly acted, poorly written, features lame virginal characters in blue sweaters, but I have to watch this one every year. To give credit where credit is due, for as ridiculous as the majority of this movie is, the clown costumes are absolutely terrifying. If I saw a Killer Klown From Outer Space costume at any party, I'd turn and leave, no shit. The film had a budget of $2 million, and I have to assume the creepy costumes ate up most of that money. On a scale from WTF to Stunningly Ridiculous, I give this movie a rating of "Cockamamie." But like an on-set helicopter crash, I can't look away. From the spaceship that looks like a big top tent, to the giant cotton candy pods that dissolve humans so the klowns can drink their blood through a Krazy Straw, this movie gets funnier every time I watch it.

Best Scene: So many to choose from... There's a great scene involving a klown baby that rises out of a toilet to attack some girl. If you look at the bottom of the screen, you can see the forearm of guy working the klown puppet. Calliope!

3. Arachnophobia

I had almost completely forgotten about this movie, too! Face it, spiders make everyone squeamish. Have you ever found a spider (or a tick) on you, freaked out a little, then spent the rest of the day overreacting to anything lightly brushing against your skin? Of course you have. Especially in an area like the Midwest where those goddamn wolf spiders come in the house all the time, no matter what you spray or traps you set, and they suddenly appear crawling across the blanket you're under while you're watching TV and then AAARRRGGGHHH!! This is a great movie for surprise scarings, paired with John Goodman providing comic relief so you can unclench your sphincter every now and again. I've always considered Jeff Daniels one of the most under-appreciated actors out there, and this another movie he performs well in. Similar to Twilight Zone: The Movie in it's employment of the slow burn to terror, but different in that sometimes, when you least expect it, something scary leaps out at you. It's OK if you squeal. But not if you're a guy. Don't be a pussy.

Best Scene: Nothing jumps out at me immediately (spider pun!) but I always get a chuckle out of the sandwich-munching mortician.

2. The Fly (1986)

Sometimes Hollywood runs out of ideas for good movies so they dig through the proverbial trash can, looking to "reinvigorate" an older movie with a new director's vision and updated technology. The Fly is the best example of why this can be a good thing for film. The 1986 version, directed by the same weirdo who brought you Scanners, is such an immense improvement on the original that you could almost ignore the 1956 version (starring Vincent Price) if it didn't stay so true to the original premise. The Fly (1986) is horrifying because it's gradual. The movie starts out innocently enough, with a brilliant, eccentric scientist, Seth Brundle (Jeff Goldblum) nailing MENSA member Geena Davis in his loft apartment while he perfects a teletransportation device. Without giving too much away, something goes wrong with a transport and we get to watch Seth Brundle slowly lose his body and his mind to his own creation. This movie is amazing in it's depiction of Brundle's descent into total madness AND for it's kickass special effects. Made long before the overuse of CGI effects, the makeup and costumes are innovative, believable, and shit-yourself scary. The sequel, however kinda sucks. And it stars Eric Stoltz.

Best Scene: The last scene. You've watched Seth Brundle devolve into Brundlefly over the course of the movie and the big payoff is NO letdown. I friggin' love the ending of this movie. **Editor's Note: I originally included a picture of the final scene to accompany this but I think I owe it to you to not spoil that.**

1. 28 Days Later

If there's one genre that's done to death, it's zombies. But... 28 Days Later isn't about zombies, despite it's initial appearance. No one in the film is actually a zombie, rather they're infected with The Rage, a disease that originated with old, white, male AARP members at American town hall meetings revolving around health care reform. Ok, I made that up but who's filled with more rage than those guys? Anyway, the reason I like 28 Days Later over all the other scary movies is the feeling of hopelessness in the movie. Feeling terrified is par for the course but the early scenes of a deserted concrete jungle that was once bustling London are eerie. You just don't see that. It's reminiscent of the scenes in Vanilla Sky when Tom Cruise is running through a

completely deserted Times Square (and I don't care what you say, Vanilla Sky was a good movie). Nothing makes you feel more hopeless than being all alone. Well, you're not really alone... You've got a world of zombie-like infected people who don't shuffle along slowly, instead they sprint after you faster than Jon Gosselin to Ladies Nite at Tropical Nites (aka: Skanksville). So, enjoy. You're fucked.

Best Scene: At the military camp, when Jim gets his ass knocked down and he sees... The plane.

5. The Amityville Horror

Tame, even by 1979 standards. "Based on a true story..."

Please. Saying a movie is "based on a true story" is like getting a Certificate Of Authenticity. It doesn't mean shit. It's just put out there to remove your innate doubt that what you're seeing is nothing more than an elaborate fabrication. James Brolin's perm, on the other hand, gives me nightmares.

4. Slumber Party Massacre

A trash-heap of these crappy slasher movies came out in the 80's. Imagine any ridonkulous scenario and someone made it into a movie with a $2500 budget and an 8-ball of blow. Play along and make your own shitty 80's horror flick! Circle one of the given choices and start writing a script!

Brittany, a (high school / college) (cheerleader / student / journalist / slut) is spending a night (in / out). Suddenly, she's warned of a (escaped mental patient / toxic gas leak / spaceship landing / sale at Claire's) by her (TV / oversexed boyfriend / sluttier friend / crazy neighbor). Although a little scared, Brittany decides to (go out / stay in) and (order a pizza / have a slumber party / explore the abandoned mental hospital / search for the spaceship). After 20 minutes of (nothing happening / pillow fighting / driving in the woods / shopping), Brittany suddenly comes face-to-face with (the mental patient / a mutated tree, animal, or janitor / a flesh-eating alien / zombies). Brittany (runs for her life / screams / runs screaming for her life) and fights off the (monster / zombie / alien / angry, white mob) when her (boyfriend / sluttier friend / cheerleading coach) is attacked and (eaten / exploded / converted to Scientology). Brittany gets away, barely, but is surprised at the end by (the doorbell ringing / a hand reaching out of the ground / dead guy in the mirror / hockey mask laying on the bed).

Rinse. Repeat. Regurgitate.

3. Nightmare On Elm Street 1-46

Truth be told, there are only eight Nightmare movies. Does anyone still care? Freddy wasn't all that scary when I saw my first Freddy movie in 1980-whatever. But now he's old and tired and you know his knife glove needs to be run through the wash. Spaghetti Face gave Indiana Jones his hat back to make Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull and I hope these movies are finally dead.

2. Anything with vampires...

Why? Because there are thousands of vampire movies out there, none of which are really that different from one another. They all drink blood, they all get burned by sunlight, they all ask for No Garlic Butter at Papa John's. Not to mention the vampire genre has had to devolve

into the Tween market to keep people interested. How is Bela Lugosi supposed to compete with this? --------------->

**Editor's Note: In response to the many emails I got about this, I'm settling it once and for all... The 'NO Vampire Movies' rule also applies to "The Lost Boys." Sorry, folks... No bonus points just because it has the 2 Coreys in it.**

1. The Sixth Sense

It was one of the best movies you'd ever seen... The first time you saw it. If you think it's even a tenth as good watching it after you already know Bruce Willis is dead the whole time, you must have amnesia. And everyone's seen this by now, so telling you that he's dead isn't exactly a spoiler. And if you didn't know that, where are you from? Wasilla?

And in the interest of bringing you a little old school Halloween entertainment, I decided to post the Garfield Halloween Special here. You won't find it on prime-time anywhere but if you've got 24 free minutes, it's kinda nice to watch after 20 years. And you'll be surprised how scary the pirate ghosts are. Seriously, after growing up with this, how do I not piss myself when I see Jack Sparrow?

Happy Halloween, everyone. I'm off to get a Strawberry Shortcake costume for a 4-year-old...