Milk

Theatrical Release: January 2009

Genre: Political Biography

Sub-Genre: Equal Rights Activist Murder Story

Starring: Jeff Spicoli; James Franco in tighter pants than he wore in Pineapple Express; Emile Hirsch in BCG's and a perm; Josh Brolin (Or is it James Brolin? I never remember who's who, but one of those guys is banging Barbara Streisand)

Overview: Based on the true life story of openly gay picture-taker Harvey Milk, who decides that he can't stand the police raids on his favorite gay bar, The Manhole, so he opens a camera store and runs for public office. After losing multiple elections, he finally takes the popular vote as City Supervisor and becomes the first openly gay public official. It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out that the story ends badly for Harvey.

You've seen this story already, just with a different cause each time...

Ghandi.

Martin Luther King.

Benazir Bhutto.

Steve Biko.

Che Guevara.

Medgar Evers.

And now, Harvey Milk.

There must be one magical script sitting in some producers desk drawer in Hollywood and when a champion of any particular civil rights movements is assassinated (must be killed - living too long will only result in a biography starring yourself as you, Cesar Chavez!), they drag the script out, dust it off, and then adjust it Mad Libs style. But it's always the same: Irritate. Assassinate. Repeat. And give it a few years, I'm sure someone's working on Benazir Bhutto's movie. (Editor's Note: Spielberg is currently working on a MLK movie.)

This is a huge downer of a movie and because I'm still an overgrown 14-year-old, I couldn't do a review without throwing in more gay jokes than a Larry The Cable Guy show. And I try to be a little more grown-up nowadays. I mean, I'm 30 now. Plus I have a couple gay friends and I'd rather not have a small, angry (albeit flimsy) mob standing on my front lawn. A couple of those friends even read this blog! So I refuse to fill this review with multiple, easy gay jokes. (Sorry about the 'Manhole' joke earlier) And it's not easy to avoid these jokes if you've seen this movie.

This was the 70's, in San Francisco, in the Castro neighborhood! Do you have any idea how these people (apparently) dressed and acted?! But I don't know if it was the gay community that dressed this badly or if it was just the way people dressed all around. I mean, I've seen pictures of my folks from that decade and... Wow. So I'll blame this on the 70's. When every man wore a huge mustache, a purple ascot, a very tight t-shirt, and possibly some extra-short shorts. OK, maybe not the ascot but Fred wore an orange one on Scooby Doo and no one ever accused him of being gay. Just a victim of the times, man.

But I have to spend a little time talking about stereotypes and activism, both of which this movie has by the barrel full. Stereotypes, like it or not, are sometimes true. Some black people like fried chicken. Some (most) white people suck at dancing. I've known a few Asians who are rock stars at math. And the best Mexican jokes I've ever heard were told to me by a Mexican friend. He said he knew so many because they were all so true. Now, owing to the fact that some, not all, stereotypes have a grain of truth to them, it makes me cringe when I see an activist on TV or in a movie portrayed as a living stereotype. I know it's good television when the biggest drag queen a producer can find comes stomping out on stage, dressed like the Chiquita banana lady, screaming about being treated unfairly, being discriminated against, not being able to walk around without being harassed, and so on. Like it's never occurred to her (it's what she prefers to be called) to tone it down a notch. It's possible to be too much of something, ya know. Not to mention, no one takes you seriously when you look like a Rush Limbaugh description of your cause, no matter how intelligent the words coming out of your gob might be. This can be applied to all causes and it's activists: Gay rights, marijuana law reform, modern conservatism, modern liberalism, animal rights, etc. You can feel as passionately as you want about something but throwing a bucket of red paint on a fur coat has never changed a law or forwarded your cause. Oh, it'll get you on the news but you'll look like an extremist nutjob. And no one will get behind your cause.

Now here's what I like about Harvey Milk... Very early on, he realized that it's very hard for people to take you seriously when you look like their deeply held bigoted views of people. So he threw away his butterfly collars, cut off his ponytail, and stopped wearing his Yankees cap cocked to the side with a flat bill (Ok, he didn't wear that but that look is pretty gay). He put on a slick brown suit, cut his hair, stopped calling everyone "silly billies", and spoke to the issues affecting his soon-to-be constituents. Did it work right away? No, of course not. But eventually people couldn't help but hear his message since there weren't any crazy distractions to focus on like a bichon frise in a Prada man-purse. ("It's a satchel. Indiana Jones has one.") So let this be a lesson to anyone who wants to fight City Hall and work towards reformation. I've offered some suggestions to different political movements that might help them get ahead...

Gays: Stop marching in your shortest shorts and no shirt, waving your rainbow flag all over the place. I know you're queer, you're obviously here, now put some pants on and take your issue to the ACLU. No one in government is going to listen to you when you look like Leonid from 'America's Got Talent.'

Potheads: There are a myriad of reasons for pot to be legal but it never will be as long as you continue to spend your adulthood following The Wailers on tour. Get a job. Get an education. Dress like you're NOT homeless. And get high on your off-time, not on your all the time. There's absolutely no reason to get out of bed and down a fifth of Jim Beam, right? So why do you still think Wake N Bake is cool? Stop getting high on the steps of the state capital on 4/20 if you're serious and start working 24/7 on taking your argument to the national capital. And cut your fucking hair.

Conservatives: Stop making Rush Limbaugh and Fox News your only source of "news." And you don't have to drag the Bible into your argument every time. Policy isn't made on the advice of Jesus, it's made by logical arguments for/against a position. Oh, and you won't get anywhere by telling people that you accept their different lifestyle and you don't hate them but that they're gonna burn in hell unless they change. Thanks. And someone shoot this kid...

Liberals: Stop making Keith Olbermann and CNN your only source of "news." And you don't have to drag the mistakes of the Bush administration into every reasonable objection of your point of view. Policy isn't made based on the films of Michael Moore, it's made by the majority votes in Congress, which don't you have anyway? Oh, and you won't get anywhere by telling people that their opposition to a controversial bill is "unamerican." The environment isn't the ONLY issue in the world, either. And cut your fucking hair.

Animal Rights Activists: Sigh... People always have and always will hunt, kill, eat, and wear animals. It doesn't bother me if you choose not to eat animal flesh. Yummy, delicious, charred animal flesh. But don't block my entrance into KFC. I work hard for the money... So hard for it, honey. And you better get out of my way so I can get a 9-piece because chickens have no feelings. OK, they actually have TWO feelings: original recipe and extra tasty crispy. Please, PeTA, find another cause to get naked for. Protest homelessness, join the Peace Corps, or even fight the wind. All of these will be more successful than getting people to stop eating meat. Lastly, stop killing people to save animals. Are you oblivious to how bass-ackwards that is?!

I have instructions for every group of activists but we don't have time today.

And before I close this review, you need to know that Sean Penn won the Best Actor Oscar for this role, which I'm cool with because he's a very gifted actor with, according to my dad, "a broad range." Agreed. But he also beat out Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler and if you haven't seen that movie, you're missing out. (Watch the trailer by clicking on the movie title) That Oscar belongs to Rourke, without a doubt. Sean Penn, you might make impressive, politically charged acceptance speeches and you really are a gnarly actor but there's no goddam way you were a better actor this year than Mickey Rourke playing a washed up, lonely old wrestler. No effin way.

Overall: On a scale from Soy to Whole, I give this movie a 1%, which is just one notch above Skim but a notch below 2%. Same old story, just different setting, different cause. The acting wasn't bad all-around but the whole movie feels a little self-important. For a better experience, seriously, rent 'The Wrestler.'

Best Scene: Only one stuck out. Everything else was so damn serious...

Dan White: Society can't exist without the family.
Harvey Milk: We're not against that.
Dan White: Can two men reproduce?
Harvey Milk: No, but God knows we keep trying.

What my wife said: She wasn't interested in watching this one. Her reasoning: "I don't like the word 'milk.'" I can appreciate that. A word I don't like? Discharge. Ewwww...

Who would enjoy this movie: College students looking to get behind a cause.

Watch it if you like: Sean Penn's acting.

Next in the Q: Wristcutters: A Love Story... It wouldn't be a love story without suicide!