Zack And Miri Make A Porno

This week's movie is a request from a friend who wished to remain anonymous. "How bad could it really be?", I thought. Obviously, the movie eludes to porn but from what I gathered, it's not actually a porn. Right? I'm cool with keeping someone's anonymity but I thought it might've been a little over reactive. Until I saw it...

Theatrical Release: October 31st, 2008... Halloween? How timely.

Genre: Comedy... But not nearly as much porno as the title would lead you to believe.

Sub-Genre: Another damn Kevin Smith movie.

Starring: That lovable loser with a slight lisp, Seth Rogen; Elizabeth Banks (the hot bookstore girl from 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin); Craig Robinson (Darryl, from "The Office'), who should have a starring role in his own movie by now; Jason Mewes, who wouldn't have an acting career without Kevin Smith movies; Katie Morgan: Porn Star; Traci Lords and her jowls: Former Porn Star

NOT Starring: Jay or Silent Bob

Overview: It's really all there in the title, isn't it? Bear in mind, this is a Kevin Smith movie so not much is off limits, thank God. The only downside to that is that not much is believable either. Zack (Rogen) is a "barista" who lives with, but has never fucked, his smoking hot best friend, Miri (Banks). The City of Pittsburgh decides that three months of unpaid electric bills means you don't wanna pay so they shut the power off in Zack and Miri's apartment in the middle of winter. Zack and Miri have no other alternative but to make a porno. I mean it... NO alternative. Sure, they could've looked for second jobs or moved in with some friends for a bit or joined the Army or something like that but who would watch a movie called Zack And Miri Work Out A Payment Plan With Their Utilities Companies After They Get Part Time Jobs And One Of Them Asks For A Raise At Work? After being bankrolled by Delaney (Robinson), they somehow manage to convince total strangers to take off their clothes and have sex on camera and that this is not a scam created to get total strangers to take off their clothes and have sex on camera. Insert love story between overweight burnout Zack and Miri, who is so far out of his league that she's not even the same sport. It'd be like A-Rod starting for the Lakers. Totally fuckin' believable...

Let's talk about porn.

Also, let's talk about the disproportionate level of attractiveness between dudes and chicks in porn. Unless you're a holy-roller type, you've seen some porn in your life. And I'm sure it's caught your attention once or twice that while this is your typical female porn star...

...you'd be horrified to discover that her co-star is quite often this guy.

This has to be why this movie successfully got away with pairing Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks in the romantic roles. Porn has a long history of ugly men nailing women that wouldn't give them the time of day outside of the coke-fueled party doubling as a movie set in some "directors" house in Malibu. The porn industry isn't solely guilty of this indiscretion. You can find it in a lot of movies and TV shows. I call this The Ralph Kramden Anomaly and it's killing America. Here's how it works...

On the left is Ralph Kramden, played by Jackie Gleason, from TV's The Honeymooners. Ralph is fat, temperamental, drives a bus for a living, chain smokes, and probably smells like those contractors that hit on Angella at work that one day. He also routinely threatens his wife with physical violence by asserting that he'll smack her so hard she'll leave the atmosphere and end up on the moon like that orca on South Park. On his best days, Ralph tops out at a 4. On the right side of the picture, is Alice, Ralph's wife. She has pretty hair, a nice smile, and those aerodynamic pointy boobs women had in the 50's. She also smells like lavender. She's easily an 8. She could do a lot better. Ralph's wife is disproportionately hot.

Example #2: Fred and Wilma Flintstone. I mean, c'mon. Fred is big fat fatty who perpetually wears a 5 o'clock shadow, bowls like Tinkerbell, and spends too much time with the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes (Lodge No. 26). Wilma, on the other hand, has a killer body, wears a short skirt while doing the housework cuz she's a freak like that, and cooks for Fred. She's also a redhead which is a big plus in my book. In the real world, Wilma would've dumped Fred for Mr. Slate long before he got stuck in his dead-end job at the quarry and gained 60 pounds eating brontosaurus burgers. The same goes for Barney and Betty Rubble. Betty would never be with a guy like Barney, who is clearly retarded.

Need more examples?

Any chance these two would ever hook up in real life? Take it one step further... Any chance she'd marry him? Of course not. Somehow comedian Kevin James and his exposed chest hair got a sitcom deal where Leah Remini (Scientologist alert!) plays his wife. Even when she was pregnant on King Of Queens, she was still waaaay better looking (and skinnier) than Kevin James. Sure he's a funny guy but "funny" won't fix "fugly."

Other unrealistic instances in film and TV of fat sweaty losers bagging extremely hot women...

Homer is a fat bald alcoholic who thought that gaining weight until he classified as "morbidly obese" was a smart plan for getting out of work. Meanwhile, Marge is on the cover of this month's Playboy.

"According To Jim", he only needs to wear his best t-shirt for a photoshoot with his Too Hot Wife. Douche.

You know Lois is hot. Peter has had multiple fistfights with her and once even went gay. Peter and Lois are the most unlikely couple on this list.

Well, well, well. Look who's back? Even if Katherine Heigl's husband left her for a French supermodel on the same day that her dog ran away after she lost her job... Even after a dozen Jager-bombs ("Shots!")... Even after eating roofies like Reese's Pieces... She would never, ever fuck this guy.

So here we are. Full circle, back at Seth Rogen. He's just this generation's representative of The Ralph Kramden Anomaly, which is named after Jackie Gleason's character because he was the first guy to plant this bullshit into normal guys minds. Seth Rogen and his inability to shave his fucking face just perpetuate it. Do you know anyone in real life who's a big fat slob of a turd who has a Megan Fox lookalike at home, picking his shaved callouses off the bathroom floor and loving every minute of it? Of course you don't! It doesn't happen! But it ruins America because these burping, farting, scabies farms think that their lack of hygiene is acceptable and will eventually culminate in him bringing home Amy Smart. Everyone knows you can't become a total slob until after you're married. Where's that movie? Zack And Miri Start Showing Their True Colors After The Wedding And One Of Them, I Won't Say Who, Has Had It Up To Here With Her Shit.

This is my only issue with this movie, really. I can believe any and all of it except for this one detail. If you have any other examples of The Ralph Kramden Anomaly, feel free to post them in the 'Comments' section at the end of this review.

Aside from the RKA, this wasn't a bad movie for Kevin Smith. Normally, I think his movies contain lengthy, unbelievable dialogue (case in point, this scene from Mallrats) and I'll never forgive him for unleashing Jason Lee onto an unsuspecting world. And in case you were a fan of Lee's wooden acting, know this: Jason Lee is a Scientologist. That's two in one post. What the hell is going here?! All in all, though, I really do enjoy his films. And I'm glad he didn't try to bring in Jay and Silent Bob on this project. They had their movie and while he couldn't have made Clerks II without them, if I had to sit through another predictable scenario where Silent Bob doesn't talk for the whole movie until he says something enlightening at just the right time, I would've rolled my eyes and read a book instead. As it is, this movie is just a simple love story that's been run through Smith's mind. If you're a View Askew fan, you know it's gonna be different from what else is out there. And I mean Traci-Lords-blowing-a-pussy-bubble different...

Overall: 8 out of 10. A typical Kevin Smith movie. An ordinary plot wrapped inside an out-of-the-ordinary scenario. A funny, unconventional movie but it's still a love story, even if you get to watch Jason Mewes demonstrate The Dutch Rudder.

Best Scene: Maybe not the best but certainly one you won't forget... Depending on your brand of humor, it's either the funniest scene in the whole film or it'll be the reason you shut the movie off and channel surf until you find a rerun of Mr. Belvedere to watch instead.

Lester and Stacey are about to do an anal scene. Stacey nonchalantly mentioned earlier that she was feeling a little constipated but she went ahead and did the scene anyway. The worst that could happen, did happen...

**WARNING: This scene is too much even for me to post on here. I'll post the link and you can decide for yourself if you wanna see it. Click here, if you think you're man enough.**

What my wife said: "Are you into the Dutch Rudder?"

Who would enjoy this movie: My buddy Jo-Jo. Other Mallrats. Jay and/or Silent Bob. My Dad liked it... I don't know how I feel about that.

Watch it if you like: Orgazmo. Other Seth Rogen attempts to dominate Hollywood. Seriously, he plays the same guy in every single movie: Seth Rogen. He's truly this decade's Steve Guttenberg and he will likewise fade into oblivion when the calendar clicks over to 2011. Seth Rogen, you will be missed... But you never EVER had a chance with this girl...

Next in the Q: I can't decide. My next request is The Neverending Story but I have a hankerin' to see RoboCop. Why? Because of the fucking awesome remake that's coming this summer... We'll see, huh?