Theatrical Release: November 2007... Just in time for Suicide Season!
Genre: Love Story... Didn't you see the title?
Sub-Genre: Suicidal Romantic Comedy... And I don't mean that in the way most romantic comedies make you wanna kill yourself...
Starring: Patrick Fugit (from Almost Famous... And is it just me or does he look like he used to be a fat kid?); Shannyn Sossamon ("Oooh, look at me, I spell my name differently because I'm an artist and that's also why I can get away with not cutting off this pencil-eraser-sized mole next to my eye!"); Shea Whigham and the baddest-ass facial hair this side of a WWE event; Leslie Bibb, who also stars in an upcoming movie called A Good Old Fashioned Orgy... Unfortunately, it also stars Don Johnson and his 59-year-old wrinkled balls; Tom Waits, who strikes me as one of those artists I should care about, yet don't; and Will Arnett as 'The Messiah'
Overview: Zia is so distraught about his break up with his girlfriend that he slits his wrists in the sink of his efficiency apartment bathroom after he cleans up a bit. Apparently, suicides head to a drab, gray world populated entirely by other suicides and where everything is just a little more dirty, more inconvenient, smells worse, and just plain sucks a little more than the place you just left. (Suicides go to Iraq?) Zia finds out from Gary Busey's son that his equally attention-starved girlfriend from Life, Desiree, has also killed herself. Sounds like these two had a lot in common. I don't know why they couldn't work it out. The rest of the movie involves a road trip through the desert of suicidal purgatory where we meet the wackiest group of misfits you could ever imagine hanging themselves! As the title insists, this is a love story so you can guess that Zia meets a girl, Mikal, that makes him think twice about the chick he's
chasing down. Is she really the girl for him? I dunno, you might wanna take it slow with her, Zia. She's just a little unbalanced. I heard she even tried to kill herself once. Am I talking about Mikal or Desiree? Trick question! Everyone's a melodramatic attention whore in suicidal purgatory, duh! Or is it limbo? Whatever, neither of them exist.
For starters, this isn't a terrible movie. It has a catchy title, great actors who aren't allowed to smile, awesome locations that match the story, and it's a unique story, which I always like. But when you're finished watching the film, you're left just feeling... Blah. Take a minute and examine what you have here: Characters who have all killed themselves inhabiting a world filled with things that are also dead. Oh, and no smiling allowed. Really, no emotions of any kind are allowed, unless you count indifference, which you may or may not count, I don't care that much. And you have to sit through it for (almost) 90 minutes. I'm not saying it wasn't an enjoyable movie, I'm just saying I can stare at a pile of cardboard boxes any time I wanna be this amused. There aren't any emotional highs or lows to keep me interested. There are some movies I refuse to pause, even when I have to pee, just because the action is so good
and I've become so emotionally invested in the story that pausing would detract from the experience (The Dark Knight, for example). There are other movies that it's cool to pause, get up and stretch, refill my Dr Pepper, make some pizza rolls, and so on (like Slumdog Millionaire). These movies have great stories, engaging characters, and great cinematography but occasionally have lulls in the action where it's OK to take a fiver. But there are some movies (and I hate to say this about a request) where, if the phone rang, I'd just answer it and mute the TV. This is one of those movies.
And people are gonna come out of the woodwork and tell me I "didn't get it" or that this was one of their favorite movies and they always cry at the end. To them I say: Watch more movies. People have told me to look for the subtle humor in this film. I looked hard to find the subtle humor but if something's so subtle you DON'T notice it, then is it really there? And did I just blow your fucking mind? If a tree falls on someone in the woods while he was walking into the forest with a loaded 12 gauge to kill himself, is it still suicide? Did THAT blow your mind (out with a shotgun)? In short, I found as much humor in this movie as you'd find in that ASPCA commercial where Sarah MacLachlan sings until you cry and they flash images of that one-eyed dog and the shaking homeless kittens... Click here to view if you think you're man enough to watch it.
The movie has it's moments, particularly each scene involving Eugene (played by some very talented no-name named Shea Whigham), the Russian immigrant lead singer of a shitty bar band who killed himself on stage. This movie should be about him, the more I think about it. The character of Eugene is based on Eugene Hutz, lead singer of the band Gogol Bordello, but we'll get to them towards the end. Also in the film, Will Arnett! Yes, that Will Arnett! If you don't know about Arrested Development yet, you're missing out. It's one of the best shows you've never seen (but I'll bet you watch According To Jim, don't you?!) and Will Arnett as Gob, pronounced 'joab' steals every scene he's in... Here's jussa liddle taste...
Having just watched those 22 seconds of Arnett, you can see why I feel his limited speaking role at the end of the movie wasn't used to it's full potential. "They're illusions, Michael. Tricks are something whores do for money..."
And one final character who's more interesting than Zia or Mikal? The unshaven shepherd of the camp in the middle of the suicidal afterlife, Kneller, played by Tom Waits. There's just something about his presence on screen I can't put into words but when he talks, you listen. Or maybe he's just the only one in the movie who doesn't speak his lines like a corpse. And speaking of lines, Kneller's one recurring line of wisdom for our hero Zia is also my least favorite. Kneller says this to Zia when Zia can't figure out how to perform a small miracle at Kneller's squatter camp in the desert, like everyone else can: "As long as you want it so bad, it's not going to happen." This line makes no sense and frankly, seems to be indicative of a lot of my generation. You're telling me if I stop caring, then what I want to happen will just magically happen? Let's say I wanted a cake. A moist yellow cake, for those of you who are into details... If I want a cake real bad, I'm not going to get one. Forget for a second that my want of cake might actually result in me getting off my ass and making one. To get a cake, I have to want cake less, right? You following this? Of course not, it's stupid advice. So by that reasoning, if I've stopped wanting cake a lot but I still don't have it, I need to try... LESS? Maybe the trick is that after a while I won't want cake at all then I won't care
when I still don't have it. On the other hand, like I said earlier, I could've just taken the initiative in the first place and gone to Super Saver, bought a Duncan Hines cake-in-a-box and been eating moist yellow cake in under two hours. But that would've taken some drive. And most people who think suicide is an appropriate choice aren't into sucking it up, or working hard for something, or powering through tough times (like times without cake!) So I guess this chunk of awful advice fits perfectly in context.
One thing I do appreciate in the movie, there's little to no exploration of what people still left alive are doing or saying. It prevents the movie from crossing from 'whimsical' into 'major downer.' And if I had to listen to a bunch of "survivors of suicide" (there's an oxymoron if I've ever heard one) talk about how much "Zia loved life" or how Mikal "lit up a room with her smile" or any other mundane half-truth about the deceased, I would've stopped the movie and finished watching that DVD of Golden Girls, Season 1.
To sum it up, I guess these are my chief complaints about the movie... Suicide is a heavy subject but anything can be funny, when told by the right person (even rape can be funny, thanks to George Carlin). I think they missed the boat on turning this movie into something light by not giving us any range of emotions. I think a better movie would've been about an afterlife that's like a suicide watch ward at a mental hospital. No strings, nothing sharp, lots of counseling, that kind of thing. Except that after people commit suicide
and end up there, they have no desire to kill themselves anymore (since they tried it once and Mission Accomplished!). I dunno. I'm no scriptwriter but I think I could've run with this story if given to me. And yes, I'm aware that this movie is based on a short story, "Kneller's Happy Campers" from the book The Bus Driver Who Wanted To Be God & Other Stories by Etgar Keret. And I'm sure it's a great story but not every good story needs to be rewritten into a script, have it's characters cast by struggling waiters/actors, and run onto celluloid. Rant finished...
Overall: 6 out of 10. Like I said to begin with, not a bad movie but it didn't reel me back in after successfully depressing me to begin with. Maybe the rule could've been "smiling is rare but with the right people together..." Or maybe I just didn't like it because it was a love story. I think love stories set unattainable expectations for men to achieve, since it's only the men in these films who perform superhuman feats to demonstrate that their genes are superior and therefore suitable for procreation. What about working hard everyday to make a good living, or cleaning the house on Saturdays, or playing with the kids when my wife is tired, or choosing NOT to argue about why you threw away the perfectly good Hawaiian rolls? Don't those make me a good guy? Now I gotta compete with a guy who comes back from the DEAD to be with a girl?! Thanks, Hollywood.
Best Scene: Will Arnett has a few speaking lines but nothing that stands out as memorable. My favorite parts are when they plays Eugene's band's demo tape. His band walks that fine line between terrible and good. Final verdict: Terribly good.
Gogol Bordello is the real band performing the songs attributed to Eugene's band (his band was called 'The Mustache Rides,' I think). They're very very very... Uncategorizeable. Can I use that word? I'm going to... They refer to themselves as "gypsy punks" since the band is comprised of Ukrainians, Romanians, Kosovoans, Hong Kong-born Scots, and so on. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for them to order a pizza. You can listen to some of their songs for free here and check out their website by clicking on the band name above... Be forewarned: Gogol Bordello grows on you quickly. Here's the song that closes the film. Every time I hear it, it gets better...
What my wife said: Wife no watch again. My fault this time...
Who would enjoy this movie: Those goddamn kids who lock themselves in their rooms listening to Skinny Puppy. Guys who wear their sister's eyeliner and complain because no one understands them. They have no tan, greasy hair, STILL worship Kurt Cobain, and probably list this movie as one of their all-time favorites because "It reminds me of some poetry I've written. Wanna read some?" Take a Xanax, emo kid! Everyone's got it hard sometimes. Toughen up, princess!
Watch it if you like: Bummer love stories with good soundtracks. i.e., Garden State, Stranger Than Fiction
Next in the Q: Army Of Darkness... I've always thought my blog was severley lacking in anything Bruce Campbell-related...
I'm off to bake a cake!!
I don't have room in my life for movies, but cake always sounds good.
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