Army Of Darkness

I know it's been a few weeks since I last posted something but you're gonna have to cut me some slack. My job has kept me on the go, my daughter came to visit, along with my sister and her family, and maybe sitting at a computer for 4-6 hours trying to be creative and clever and funny without offending too many of my friends isn't what I'm feeling up to right now. So yesterday I made some time for you, Constant Reader (to borrow a term of endearment from Stephen King). I watched another requested movie, took some notes, and here I am, tippity-typing away. So you can stop emailing me on a daily basis asking "When are you gonna do another one?" or "When are you gonna do mine?" or "Are you ignoring my emails?" or "If you think ignoring my emails means I'll go away, you're wrong, mister!" or "I know where you sleep, fucker." Good Lord, here we go, at gunpoint...

Theatrical Release: February 1993... This would've been a great Valentine's date movie in 1993. You could have intelligent conversation about the new president, Bill Clinton, and then go to a dance club and do the Macarena together. If you're lucky, she might invite you back to her place to watch The Tonight Show with the new host, Jay Leno, and then put on a little Meat Loaf, "I'd Do Anything For Love... But I Won't Do That" before you get each other out of your bright red/green/blue Cross Colour jeans (mine were bright blue)... Man, how awesome would a 90's Party be?!

Genre: According to IMdB, Action Comedy Fantasy Horror Romance... The first four, sure, I can see that. But there's very little "romantic" about Bruce Campbell grabbing some chicks hair and saying, "Gimme some sugar, baby."

Sub-Genre: Bruce Campbell Is Hilarious

Starring: Whaddya know, Bruce Campbell!; Some chick named Embeth Davidtz, whose name requires that I spin The Wheel Of Name Origins and land on... Indiana? I was expecting a Baltic state or a former Soviet republic. Whatever happened to naming your kid Heather or Jessica or Laura or something run of the milk?; Also in this movie for a split-second, Bridget Fonda! (Who looks just like a girl I once went to prom with...)

Overview: Our hero, Ash, is transported to somewhere circa 1300 AD by way of the Necronomicon, aka: Book Of The Dead. All he wants to do is get to his time and back to his job at S-Mart ("Remember, shop smart: Shop S-Mart!"). It turns out life in the Middle Ages isn't all that great, what with all the castle sieges, demon pits, living dead, and I'm pretty sure it was another 500 years before toilet paper came onto the scene. In order for Ash to get back to his time, he has to find the Necronomicon (which, despite its name, was nowhere near San Diego this year) and defeat the army of the Evil Dead which he accidentally let loose on the Earth. Slightly less production values than the 'Thriller' video but as far as I know, there are no over-hyped dead pedophiles dancing in this movie either...

Army Of Darkness is the third in the Evil Dead trilogy. The first two movies, Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2 (those aren't very clever titles) are barely worth mentioning, except for the fact that they're awful. Gory? Absolutely. Scary? The title is scarier than the movie itself. And for some reason, Sam Raimi (who wrote or produced or directed all three in the trilogy) decided to take a less serious approach to the final installment in this franchise. Bruce Campbell's character, Ash, is part Homer Simpson, part Bruce Willis. A disgruntled hero who wants nothing more than to go home (Bruce Willis style!) but who also can't seem to stop getting his hand chopped off or his face eaten by a book (Homer Simpson style).

Fortunately, the movie opens with a quick recap of the past two films, otherwise you wouldn't really know why Ash has no right hand but substitutes a chainsaw in its place. The cheesiness this movie is gonna put you through is evident in this first scene, the recap, when Ash is being sucked out of the house and into the Time Portal and it looks like no attempt was made to hide the steel cable that's holding Bruce Campbell up (this happens at exactly 0h 3m 0s into the movie). The plot from here is pretty water-thin but it's not supposed to be Shakespeare, people...

Ash meets Sheila, the only busty wench in the village who isn't dying a slow painful death from scurvy and has all of her teeth. Sheila also looks like Sean Young's sister which is great since she's hot but that also means she might come with a little extra "baggage" (read: crazier than that girl you dated who said "I love you" on the third date, then wet the bed). Ash also meets Lord Arthur and his noble bangs, right before he's thrown into the Demon Hole (insert rectum joke here) for appearing out of the sky and probably being a spy for Lord Arthur's arch rival. Ash makes friends out of his enemies by beating up an ugly demon and subjugates the people of the castle by demonstrating his "Boomstick" (see video below). Thus begins the nearly cartoonish quest for the

Necronomicon, and culminates in this movie asking and answering the centuries-old question: Could a dozen 6-inch Bruce Campbells take down a regular size Bruce Campbell? You'll have to watch the movie to find the answer to that one. It's like something out of a Tex Avery wet dream... Also included in the quest for the Oprah Book Of The Month: Ash sprouts a second person off of his right side (Evil Ash, at left) whom he promptly dismembers with his chainsaw hand. Evil Ash will almost certainly come back to life as the yin to Good Ash's yang, somewhat epic battles will ensue, and skeletons will come to life only to be destroyed by a badass 1973 Olds 88.

There's really not a whole lot to say beyond that. You can't take a movie too serious when the protagonist's catch phrase is "Gimme some sugar, baby..." This movie walks the line between being a parody of cheap monster movies and being a cheap monster movie. Your wife might not like every minute of it but she made you watch Dirty Dancing, didn't she? So hows about you and Bruce Campbell settle that score...

Overall: 8 out of 10. At 1 hour 20 minutes, this movie is just too short for me. I've sat on the toilet longer than that. (Bad Turkish food. In Iraq. I still get queasy thinking about eating goat again... Oh God. I'll be right back...)

Best Scene: Nearly everything Ash says is hysterical. Here's a great montage, even if it's missing a few classics. But, hey, rent the film if you wanna see all of them...

What my friend Charity said: "Sean made me watch it. I didn't hate it but it was so corny. So corny that it almost wasn't funny. I pseudo-enjoyed it. Now Sean has to watch Grease because I had to watch this."

What my wife said: Standby for forced viewing of Army Of Darkness.

Who would enjoy this movie: Sean (but Charity, not so much); Any one who likes cult classics... And I hesitate to tag this movie as a "cult classic" because it's such an overused phrase. Rocky Horror Picture Show? Cult classic. Is a movie so bad it's good, like Troll II? Obviously, cult classic. Did a movie make about $812.54 in the box office and is now relegated to 3:30am showings on SyFy? Shitty movie. NOT a cult classic. I once read an interview with Ben Affleck that made mention of "Gigli, the cult classic that was critically panned." Way to dress up that hog, EW.

Watch it if you like: Shoot 'Em Up; Shaun Of The Dead; Big Trouble In Little China; Mars Attacks!

Next in the Q: Zack And Miri Make A Porno [Anonymous Requestor]; The Neverending Story [Sam]; Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas [Mike]