A History Of Violence

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Coming into this movie, I immediately started to have flashbacks of Appaloosa and I'm pretty sure some form of PTSD kicked in. I think Ed Harris is a cool guy and I'd probably have a beer with him. Viggo, as well. I'm sure George W. Bush is also a pretty cool cat if you sat down for a Lone Star with him. But all three of these people do bad things. Suffice to say, my expectations of A History Of Violence were pretty low. However, one of my "kids" who I put in the military, one of my brighter, more promising ones, recommended I see this and I hate to disappoint. Even if I'd be disappointing a kid who regularly wore a shirt with a Pillsbury Dough Boy on it that looked alarmingly like Hitler, with a caption that read, "White Flour." So, for Cody, who's hating life (and me, most likely) in Mississippi, I give you this weeks review of...

Theatrical Release: September 2005

Genre: Thriller/Graphic Novel Adaptation

Sub-Genre: Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen Go To White Castle

Starring: Viggo Mortensen and Ed Harris (fortunately, without Renee Zellweger), Maria Bello (in a surprising full-frontal bush shot), and William Hurt

Overview: Tom Stalls, an unassuming man in an unassuming town, thwarts the robbery and murder of two wackjobs in his diner and is rewarded by throngs of media coverage. With his face plastered all over the national news, some mobsters show up (headed by a cycloptic Ed Harris) assuming this unassuming man has assumed a new identity from his former life as a hitman. Viggo, of course, assumes these men are joking and assumes they've made a mistake. And everyone knows what happens when you assume: Viggo Mortensen punches your nasal cartilage into your brain and then shoots you in the top of your head. Turns out, Tom was a hired hitman named Joey Cusack and he's been living a George McFly-esque existence in small town Indiana.

Now the mob wants reparations for some funky shit that went down in the city and Tom just

wants to be left alone. Tom's past sins are a huge new nugget of information to his family. His family, by the way, comprised of: a smokin' hot wife, Edie, played by Maria Bello (seen at left, wearing my old cheerleading outfit); a nerdy, sexually ambiguous son; and a daughter so ridiculously blond and cute she makes Zuzu Bailey from It's A Wonderful Life look like a meth addict.

A History Of Violence is based on the graphic novel by John Wagner and Vince Locke. Some comic book adaptations... 'Scuse me... Some graphic novel adaptations work as films (Sin City; Constantine; Akira -- and trust me, Akira's gonna be bad ass when it's out next year). Most, however, are plagued by the eye-roll-inducing stigma that "You really gotta be into the comics to get it." (V for Vendetta; 300; The Watchmen -- unless you really think seeing Billy Crudup's

blue junk for two hours was necessary, that movie sucked blue balls). This film leans toward the latter category but as a standalone film, it's not too bad. If you had no idea it was based on a comic book novel (oops), you'd think it was just another action movie, and a decent one, at that. There are several shots, though, that give away the graphic novel influence of the movie and they sort of stand out as unorthodox bits of cinematography unless you're actively looking for camera angles that look more like comic panels. Once you start looking for them, you can pick them out everywhere. I'd recommend paying attention at one scene in particular, when the local sheriff stops the Philly mob boss's car on their way out of town. After a brief, "This is a good town. Don't let me catch you folks stinkin' it up with your East Coast bullshit" lecture, the sheriff lets them drive away and there's a really cool shot from the stationary viewpoint of the car hood over the rear quarter-panel of the Chrysler 300. It's noticeable and you should be able to pick out other comic-inspired scenes from that point. Even the movie poster (above) could've been inspired from a panel within the graphic novel, I don't know. I don't read graphic novels. I watch Family Feud and read the back of my box of Count Chocula, if I read at all.

The movie isn't terrible. I'm slightly predisposed to dislike a movie featuring the Mortensen/Harris combo but I gave this a chance and they slightly redeemed themselves. Partly since this movie wasn't an Ed Harris project. It was, in fact, directed by David Cronenberg, who, according to my hastily done Google/IMDb research, is also responsible for Scanners ("Back... And to the left..."), The Dead Zone ("I gotta have more cowbell!"), Crash (1996, not that Oscar winner movie), and the only movie of his that I really liked (and I really like this one), The Fly. Check this out... And if you've never seen this movie, then you're a total Brundlefly...

But Mr. Cronenberg does not get a free pass for The Fly. Nor does he earn any brownie points for thought-induced head explosions in Scanners. There were a couple of questionable scenes in AHOV, points where I looked at the screen and said (out loud, to no one... sniffle), "What? No one reacts like that in real life!" Scenes of overly-dramatic Hollywood bullshit. Frinstance:

• In the opening scene, after the nameless killers annihilate the staff of the motel they just "checked out" of, one of them walks back inside to the scene of the crime and starts touching everything out of sheer curiosity! I've seen enough CSI to know (plus I read Encyclopedia Brown as a kid) that touching shit = fingerprints.

• Tom's pacifist son (read: pussy) sits on top of a big blue mailbox in front of the post office right on Main Street with cars driving everywhere and people walking all over the place - and smokes a joint. This isn't Haight-Ashbury, 1969. This is Indiana, 2005. Get in the back of the cruiser, son. Writing FAIL.

• While Tom is recuperating in the hospital, he's channel-surfing and discovers he's the lead story on every major news network. But when he gets home from the hospital that same night, there's ONE news reporter in his yard. And she's local. And it's Andrea Rich. (Horse Face!)

• After Edie learns that Tom was, in fact, a contract killer, she lies to the sheriff about knowing his past and then there's a weird sado-masochistic sex scene on the stairs whereby he chokes her (Tom, not the sheriff), she slaps him, he chokes her harder, she kicks him, and before you know it, there's angry penetration. While crying. Not a very hot sex scene. In fact, I needed to take a shower after watching it. Jesus, is Tom's wife bipolar? **Disclaimer: There's an earlier husband-on-wife sex scene early on in the film where Maria Bello wears the cheerleader outfit above. Now that one is definitely HOT.**

• Tom's estranged brother, Richie, calls after The Secret's out and speaks this line to Joey/Tom, honest to God, "Hey bro-him. You're still pretty good with the killing..." Give. Me. A break. That's some crap Michael Scott would write.

Actually, the more I think about the idiocy of this movie, it loses another point. It was a 6. Now it's a 5. Bad writing, overacting on the part of the son, and the message is so transparent, it's about as effective as an ABC After School Special. I get it. The title alone kinda implies the message, just pick one from any of these no-brainers:

- Violence begets violence.

- You can't escape your past, you can only run from it temporarily.

- The best way to disable your attacker is always an open hand chop to the throat.

Same ol', same ol'... Next time I feel like watching a Viggo Mortensen movie, I'm just gonna order the action figure. It comes with a shotgun, cleft chin, cowboy boots, and kung fu grip.

Overall: 5 out of 10. A little predictable but with some really cool scenes of ass kicking and watching Ed Harris get shot in the chest at close range with a double-barrel 12-gauge. God bless America. Tom Stall's Body Count: 8 (including his own brother, who deserved to die for saying something so asinine as, "You're still pretty good with the killing." Here, I'm gonna rewrite that line, off the top of my head, so it's better. Ready? "Looks to me like your old habits die hard." See that? A million dollars, please!

Best Scene: In the beginning, the two nutjobs who storm into Tom's restaurant lock the door and start barking orders at gunpoint. When it gets out of hand, and it gets there pretty quickly, Tom has to take control of the situation by smashing a full pot of coffee into the eye of the gunman, (this is when I switch over to my Garth Algar from Wayne's World voice) then he rolls over the diner counter, Jackie Chan style, grabs the gun off the floor and does this wicked spin move, blasts the other crazy guy - boom boom! - who I was 99% sure was the kid from the movie Dutch but it turned out it wasn't, he goes flying backwards out the window and then the coffee-face guy grabs his ankle knife which everybody has, right? and stabs Tom in the foot - whoa! - then Tom turns around and shoots that guy in the top of his bald head. Boom!

What my wife said: "It has Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen? No thanks."

Who would enjoy this movie: Fans of the comic book... 'Scuse me again... I mean "graphic novel." A1C Cody Baker. Guys who call each other "brah." That dude at work with the weird scar around his neck who gets real quiet, real quick and walks out of the room when someone starts talking about The Sopranos.

Watch it if you like: Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. Killing rat scum bags. Head shots (50 points).

Next in the Q: Many movies coming... I watched The Dark Crystal the other day when I was home sick. I haven't seen this movie in more than a decade but as an adult, it's a completely different experience. I invite everyone to join my group, wesley bLoggs , on Facebook (click on the link) and post their insights or childhood memories of The Dark Crystal. I'm fascinated with my generation's perception of this incredibly unique movie. Check out the trailer...

The Dark Crystal (Theatrical Trailer)

This is supposed to be a fucking family movie!

Beyond that: Mat recommended American Psycho, Shelly and Damen suggested Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee, my wife and I wanna watch Role Models, and Angie even suggested I review Milk. I'll get to them all, people, just bear with me. Thanks, everyone!