When I was a kid, we had a VHS tape of The Dark Crystal. When my Mom would have a grown-up party, she'd put me and my sister in another room and put the movie on, even though I'm sure she'd never seen it. I remember that the story was way over my head but it was one of the most visually stunning movies I'd ever seen. As things go, technology advanced and our VHS collection became as obsolete as the rotary dial phone and my tapes of RoboCop, Adventures In Babysitting, Uncle Buck, and The Dark Crystal went in the "3 for $1" box at our garage sales.
Fast forward to April 2009...
When I was home sick a couple weeks ago, I popped in a DVD copy of The Dark Crystal I bought about a year prior but never opened. I told myself I'd seen this movie a hundred times and I wouldn't be doing anything except for falling into a NyQuil-induced daytime coma with the movie playing as background noise. Let me spoil the surprise for you... The Dark Crystal, as seen through the eyes of an observant adult, is a completely different movie than the one you saw in the 80's. I fought the NyQuil for the duration of the movie, my pile of balled-up Kleenex's growing around me. I scribbled half-notes because I wanted to see everything and there was too much to write down. I can't believe I didn't know how fucking awesome this movie was until I was nearly 30 years old. Let's go down the rabbit hole...
Theatrical Release: December 1982 and even by today's standards, ahead of it's time...
Genre: Fantasy
Sub-Genre: Jim Henson. On a couple hits of Blue Notes.
Starring: The most evil-looking muppets you could imagine. Seriously, you should never watch this movie and then fall asleep while accidentally wearing a nicotine patch. You will die.
Overview: Try to keep up here... "Another world, another time, in the age of wonder, this land was green and good until The Crystal cracked..." This narration in the first few minutes sets it all up. The Dark Crystal takes place in a world called Thra, a planet with three suns. In the long ago, the three suns aligned and the Dark Crystal cracked and the beings of this world split, forming two very different races, the gentle Mystics (or urRu) and the nightmarish, reptilian/avian Skeksis. A prophecy foretells of another alignment of the suns, in which the Skeksis will rule Thra forever unless the Crystal is repaired before then. The prophecy also says a Gelfling, another race of creatures on Thra, will restore the Crystal (I lost you already, didn't I?) The Skeksis realized a long time ago that a Gelfling genocide was the only logical way to prevent the prophecy from coming true but one little Gelfling named Jen (it's a dude) survived and was raised in semi-secrecy by the Mystics. The movie follows Jen tracking down the missing Dark Crystal shard that split years ago and his attempt to put the Crystal back together before the cosmic alignment and restore balance to the universe. No pressure.
Along the way, he discovers that he's not the last of the Gelflings and thank the gods, the other one is a chick. Her name is Kira and she was raised by a different race of creatures who I affectionately call "The Potato People." Wouldn't it suck to be Jen and find the only other living Gelfling was a dude? "Really? REALLY?!" But anyway...
Give it up for Jim Henson.
If you don't like Jim Henson, chances are you were home-schooled. You know who else was home-schooled? This kid:
Now that kid should be on a government watch list somewhere. Hay-ohh!!
The Dark Crystal is arguably the most daring Jim Henson movie ever. Be warned, this is not Fraggle Rock. There's almost nothing cuddly or heart-warming about this movie. It's story is unique and it's interesting to note that this is an original screenplay, churned out looooong before the days of Hollywood recycling/remaking old movies or just adapting comic book characters into feature length movies. The Dark Crystal is alone in it's genius. There just hasn't been anything attempted on this scale since this movie. The sets are huge and tangible, no green screens here; the monsters are painstakingly created to be terrifying but also to be manipulated by a person, which makes their movement organic, lifelike, and pee-yourself-a-little scary. The concept artist, Brian Froud, is equally responsible for the unprecedented imagery in this movie, if not primarily responsible. A quick background on Froud can be found by clicking here and you can check out his website here. Truth be told, after you look at Froud's body of work, it's safe to say he peaked with The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth. Unless 450,000 varieties of faeries are your thing. If they are, collect 'em all! But his artistic visions would be nothing but glitter on a post-it note if Jim Henson wasn't the visionary he is. And while this isn't Henson's only foray into darker projects (check out these clips from The Labyrinth or an episode of The Storyteller), it's certainly his biggest departure from Sesame Street.
The story is enhanced immensely by the epic score, which rivals any you'd hear in What's-His-Face Jackson's "Lord Of The Stupid Rings" stupid trilogy. And there's not a hint of Viggo Mortensen in this movie! But like TLOTR, this movie follows the quest archetype, but with Jen on his journey to repair The Dark Crystal, not to take up nine hours of your life over the course of a trilogy of movies spread out over three years just so he can throw the crystal into a volcano. Anyway, it's obvious I hated those Rings movies...
The driving theme of this movie seems to be "balance" or "equilibrium" or, more to the point, the duality of all existence. Good couldn't exist without evil (how would you know if something was "good" if it's polar opposite never occurred?), day without light, yin without yang, love without sin, you get the point. When the crystal cracks, it splits the creatures into two very different races, one evil (Sexy Skeksis) and one good (The Mystics... Which is a terrific band name). To keep balance in the universe, everything that happens to one creature from one race, happens to it's counterpart from the other race. The movie begins with the Skeksis emperor dying...
Worst. Trip. Ever.
My friend Mike told me he immediately thinks of this scene when someone gets forced into retirement or fired at his job. I can see why. And what follows in the next scene of the movie is the simultaneous death of the Mystics leader. The universe is balanced again. And the rest of the movie is Jen's quest to restore that balance. To bring Thra back to cosmic symmetry. To put right what once went wrong. And hoping each time that his next leap... Will be the leap home. (Thanks, Scott Bakula!) Look for this theme when you watch this movie as an adult. Whatsomuch happens to the least of the Skeksis (a cut on the hand) happens to the Mystic that is the other half of them.
One more thing I'd like to mention here... I know it might be more cost-effective for movie studios to digitally generate a monster (I'm looking at you, Hulk) but there's nothing scarier than an evil creature like a Garthim that moves like something in nature, NOT like a cartoon. I wish more movies today would spend the extra money on some extras or some real actors in order to make the movie a little more realistic. Take a moment to click on these links and compare the zombie hordes in I Am Legend (fake) to those infected with The Rage in 28 Days Later (actors, fuckin' shit up old school), it's not even a contest. I'm more afraid of swine flu than I ever will be of cartoon zombies.
I decided to ask my friends, who likely saw this movie when they were kids also, if they had any memories of The Dark Crystal. As it turns out, almost everyone on the wesley bLoggs Facebook group has seen this movie and has vivid recollections of it. It should be noted, I seem to be the only one in my circle of friends who is still scared by this film, but whatever...I was simply floored at the number of people who'd seen this movie. Here's a few of the more interesting comments...
Nicole B: "I think it would be great if someone would digitally remake it. Not too over the top to lose the essence of it but make it...well....cooler! And I have to say that I have referred to quite a few people as looking like the dog like creature Fizzgig and Aughra (the ugly old lady). Honestly, there are a lot of people out there that damn fugly. Think about it. You know one!"
Erika D: "Awesome! I think it goes hand in hand with The Labyrinth."
Kyle G: "My grandma chose Gremlins to scare the shit outta us."
Natalie S: "I loved this movie as a kid! My parents actually bought it for me for Christmas this year as kind of a gag gift... My kids think it is a weird movie. Eric [her husband] hates it and is terrified of the Skeksis."
Shelly L: "The Dark Crystal is one of my all time favorite movies and now one of my kids'... I think I like it better now then when I was a kid."
Rachel T: "Honestly. I watched at least 6 times when we were kids and I NEVER understood it. And yes - it scared the crap out of me." [Rachel's my sister]
Mike J: "Ok, Wes, let me first start by saying that I love The Dark Crystal. It is a movie that I will always keep near me cause sometimes I just get the itch to watch it. On one note, I would say I am a bit dissapointed that it has not been remade. Using the technology of today, it could be even better with more to the the plot and maybe even to get to know more of the characters. A great movie and even if not remade, I still think all children between the ages of 9 and 16 should be allowed to watch it."
To wrap this up, there's no questioning what a unique movie this is. To piggyback on Shelly and Mike's comments, I'd love to watch this movie with my daughter but she's 4 and I have no intention of cleaning vomit from between the couch cushions when she's so scared she loses her Teddy Grahams. A big Thank You to everyone who replied to my emails. Sorry I couldn't post them all here, but I appreciate them nonetheless.
And for those of you out there wondering if there will ever be a sequel to The Dark Crystal, check this out...
Overall: 10 out of 10. An incredibly complex movie with a classic archetypal story, an awesome score, creatures from the darkest recesses of Jim Henson's brain, and great effects. As an adult, you can really appreciate the genius of this movie. I would've given it an 11 out of 10 ("These go to 11...") if the stupid Gelflings didn't look like Steven Tyler.
Best Scene: I think all the scenes involving the Skeksis are amazing. They're so lifelike and otherwordly. There's one particular scene where the Skeksis are eating a huge feast with their unorthodox eating utensils. Casie H said: "The best part of the Dark Crystal is when they are eating the feast with their "pinky-finger finger nails" I'd have to agree. There's just something disturbing to see something so reptilian use something so advanced as a finger-mounted stabbing fork.
What my wife said: I regret to inform my readers that I have not been able to strap my wife down and forcibly make her watch this movie. But she has Friday off and I'll cut the grass if you'll just stay in the house and watch it, Jessi!
Who would enjoy this movie: All the aforementioned people. Adults who grew up watching The Muppet Show and Sesame Street.
Watch it if you like: Hellboy. Legend. The Lord Of The Rings. Maybe, World Of Warcraft. And yes, Labyrinth. Everyone reminded me that these films go hand-in-hand and are probably sold together at Walmart. And you know what, I'm tired of everybody loving the Labyrinth and yet making fun of me for liking David Bowie. Ziggy Stardust is awesome.
Next in the Q: I have the following requests...
- American Psycho - [Mat]
- Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee - [Shelly and Damen]
- Milk - [Angie]
- Wristcutters: A Love Story - [Anthony]
- A Clockwork Orange - [Erika]
Thanks, everyone!
T r i a l B y S t o n e !
Vote to keep me in the box or set me free!
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