wesley bloggs...: A Christmas Story

Theatrical Release: November 1983. The same month the Soviets invaded Afghanistan. Coincidence?! Most likely, yes...

Genre: Family Comedy

Sub-Genre: Christmas season viewing staple

Starring...

Peter Billingsley as Ralphie - All he wants for Christmas is a firearm. God bless America...

Darren McGavin as The Old Man (Ralphie's Dad) - Darren McGavin went to fix that big furnace in the sky in 2006.

Melinda Dillon as Ralphie's Mom - She just wants Randy to eat his meatloaf. Smeatloaf. Double beatloaf.

Ian Petrella as Randy - The little piggy who can't put his arms down.

Overview: Ralphie's life is incomplete without something to shoot his eye out with. Knowing full well that a football would merely stun his vision temporarily, he asks for an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle (with a compass in the stock and this thing which tells time). Along the way, we're witness to Ralphie's obsession with Li'l Orphan Annie, his inability to change a tire without swearing like a sailor (a trait he's obviously inherited from his father who can't fix a furnace without "weaving a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan"), and his kid brother's fool-proof bully defense: Laying there like a slug.

Expectations: High.

As anyone my age can attest to, this is the movie you watched every year as a kid, nearly every day from Thanksgiving until Christmas day itself. You could count on this to be on some channel or another, on any given day, 24 hours a day. Just like Tiger Woods news coverage is today, this movie was always on somewhere. Somewhere in the mid-90's, American billionaire (and part-time manic-depressive) Ted Turner bought up the broadcast rights to Ralphie's movie and decided he was going to invent his own Christmas classic. Sure, A Christmas Story is a great movie to begin with but it wasn't really iconic until Turner decided to refrain from constant airings of the film, then unleashing it on the public in twelve consecutive showings on Christmas Eve's, resulting in 24 hours of ooey-gooey Christmas joy. Now you have to wait all year in anticipation of Christmas Eve when this movie owns television during the marathon on TBS. Starting at 8pm (7pm, Central!) on December 24th, you can flip on the channel that you normally gloss over to avoid Atlanta Braves baseball games and watch A Christmas Story any damn time you feel like it. Myself, I like to have it on in the background while we're opening presents, occasionally shouting things out like...

"It's a major award. I won it!"

"It was... It twas... Soap... Poisoning!"

"Wow, a fire truck, that's mine!"

"I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!" (followed inevitably by...)

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid."

Good times.

Since I was practically raised by television, it occurred to me from the literally hundreds of viewings of this movie in my life, that it would be impossible not to glean a few nuggets of wisdom from the subtle (and the not-so-subtle) messages in this film. It's safe to say that nearly everything I know about Christmas, I learned from A Christmas Story. Such as...

Furnaces never need replacing. Only perpetual fixing.

You will shoot your eye out. In fact, most overused advice from adults is likely to be true: If you keep making that face it will stay that way; Those boys at school keep making fun of you because they are jealous (of what, exactly?); If you keep playing with it, you will go blind.

If you're dumb enough to stick your tongue to a flagpole when it's 10 degrees outside, expect emergency crews (fire truck, police, National Guard, ninjas) on-scene in less than 3 minutes.

You can effectively defend your home against black-and-white striped shirt-wearing burglars with a BB gun.

All TV/radio-based giveaways are just sneaky ways to advertise Ovaltine. And that stuff sucks!

Lamps are major awards.

Turning off the leg lamp in the front window saves electricity, even if every other light light in the house is on.

Bar soap will take the "potty" out of your "potty mouth."

If you're going to deliberately destroy your spouse's most prized possession, make sure you use all the glue beforehand. On purpose!

Mom will make it better.

Santa will be happy to provide you a boot in the face if you interrupt the flow on children by wedging yourself on his slide.

Calling out "That's mine!" automatically makes a gift yours.

Chinese restaurants are open on Christmas Day.

I'm not gonna waste your time here with any long-winded opinions about this Christmas classic. You've all seen it (except for one person I know). You all love it. Hell, most of us know this movie backwards and forwards. Have you ever been in a group of people trading Christmas Story quotes with one another and someone botches one? Bad?

"Fra-jee-lay! That means it's French."

That poor girl never saw the ass-whooping coming. Clearly, she was a Russian spy sent to infiltrate our small group of middle-class nobodies in order to report back to Vladimir Putin how best to secretly take over the U.S. and A. and finally win the Cold War (which they're still fighting). Otherwise, how do you not know how that line goes?!

Moving on, I thought I'd include an always popular Where Are They Now? segment to prove, once again, that not all child actors grow up to be felons or addicted to cocaine or felonious cokeheads.

Ralphie - Peter Billingsley has worked in Hollywood nearly all of his life, believe it or not. With no real acting success to speak of after A Christmas Story (which would be like trying to find another decent car to buy after owning a Porsche), he's quietly been kicking ass behind the scenes as a writer and producer of movies you've actually heard, like Four Christmases (seriously), and Iron Man.

Randy - Ian Petrella found himself in very few roles after the film. He quit acting early in his teens, moved out west, and now works as an animator/puppeteer. You can regularly see him at the Christmas Story House in Cleveland, when they hold their annual convention. If you haven't gone to the website yet, you should. It's fantastic.

Mom - Melinda Dillon was twice nominated for Academy Awards before appearing in A Christmas Story. Afterwards, she continued to act and manages to keep her personal life very private. Even from the prying eyes of the internet. She played the mom in Harry And The Hendersons, a therapist in Magnolia, and someone not sleeping with Barbara Streisand in The Prince Of Tides (which also came out at Christmas). Since I can't uncover more about her, I'll make this up: She went on to astronaut school and currently DJ's at underground gay clubs in SoHo.

The Old Man (Dad) - Darren McGavin was a legitimate actor for many years. He enjoyed a long career on TV, movies, and on the stage. After A Christmas Story, he continued to work, winning just one Emmy in his career for a brief role on Murphy Brown. Gen X-er's most likely remember him starring most recently alongside Adam Sandler as Billy Madison's father. He did, unfortunately pass away in 2006. He will continue to live on with each Christmas.

Flick - Undoubtedly, Scott Schwartz has the most interesting post-Christmas Story bio. During the 80's, he bounced from TV show to TV show, even starring alongside Matt LeBlanc once for an episode of a forgotten show called "TV 101." (I've never heard of it either) In the 90's, however, Schwartz starred in more than 15 adult movies with the likes of Jenna Jameson, Christy Canyon, and Asia Carrerra. He left the biz after the 90's, claiming he "didn't like the job." He also regularly attends the Christmas Story house conventions and seems like the nicest guy you'd ever meet who used to nail hot chicks for money.

Scut Farkus - Zack Ward, like every other child actor, has tried to stay in the spotlight since his flashbang appearance in this movie. He's had bit parts on TV shows here and there, and most noteably had a recurring role from 2000-2002 on Fox in a surprisingly funny (in a dysfunctional sort of way) show called Titus. Why all child actors grow up to be struggling young adult actors, I'll never understand. Who wants to do the same job they had when they were 12 or 14? If I'd spent the last 15 years trying to get my dishwashing job back at Linoma Beach Restaurant, that'd be pretty pathetic. Although, it was pretty cool... no one noticed when we stole beer.

So there you have it, folks. A dissection of one of the greatest Christmas movies of all time. Consider this my Christmas present to you. I know I covered this movie a little bit in last year's Top 5 Christmas Movies posting, but I felt this movie deserved a little more. Only in America would one of the most beloved stories of all time involve a little boy's burning desire to get a gun for Christmas. Happy Festivus, everyone!

Overall: 10 out of 10, of course. Without a doubt, the very best non-Chevy Chase Christmas movie of all time.

Trivia: Jean Shepherd, author of the book this film is based upon (and the narrator of the movie) has a small part in the Santa mall scene. He's the bearded man in the killer hat who tells Ralphie that the line starts here and ends back there.

Best Scene: Everyone has their favorite part but for me, it'll always be this one...

Fa-ra-ra-ra-ra, ra-ra, ra-ra!

What my wife said: She's been using quotes from this movie as her Facebook status for weeks now. This review was also her idea. I told her I was considering a mock review where I playfully pointed out the plot holes, unrealistic fulfillment of childhood demands, and subtle racism of the movie (Black Bart?). This did not go over well. She locked up the brakes (did I mention we were driving on Highway 6 to see her folks?) and without mincing words let me know what she thought of that idea through pursed lips, flailing hand gestures, and more than a little profanity... So. My wife loves this movie. Nearly enough to kill me if I chose to desecrate it.

Who would enjoy this movie: Everyone. Seriously, even the Taliban likes this movie. This is how ingrained in the American psyche this movie is... This is a Christmas card my friends, the Sherman's sent out this year...

(click on the image for a larger view)