Let me explain The Guy Code for those of you who still live in the 1950's. Every now and again it's your obligation to sit down and watch an awful Chick Flick of your girl's choosing. Why? Your wife; fiance; baby mama; girlfriend watches a LOT of crap of your choosing and never bitches about it. Thank God they never hold us to a 1-to-1 ratio of Chick Flicks to Dick Flicks. Think about it: She never made you watch Practical Magic, or something equally nauseating, for every time you ever made her sit through a Police Academy marathon or listen to you go on and on about why Blazing Saddles is seriously, the BEST movie ever. Somehow, your woman is more forgiving than you are. Because whenever you have to turn your phone off and sit with her on the couch, eating popcorn, and watching a movie SHE chose, you bitch the whole time and roll your eyes and make it less than enjoyable for her. I know you do this because I do this. And sometimes, like I said, to even the score you have to sit through some BAD shit to appease Your Lady. But never have I been so audibly irritated as I was while watching...
M A M M A M I A !
Theatrical Release: July 2008
Genre: Musical
Sub-genre: Shoot-me-in-the-face-ABBA-musical
Starring: If Meryl Streep wasn't in this, I don't think anyone would've given a shit about it. Speaking of things no one gives a shit about, it also stars Pierce Brosnan (his first name is also a verb!), Colin Firth (who?), Stellan Skarsgard (Scandinavian and who?), Christine Baranski (old and hot), and someone named Amanda Seyfried who, despite being nearly 25 years old, looks young enough to still need a babysitter and leaves you feeling a little queasy when you start to view her as "hot"...
The overview: Blue-eyed girl is about to get married but wants to complicate an already stressful situation (i.e., her wedding) by inviting three dudes, any of whom may be her father. Upon mailing the invitations, she breaks out in song. For some reason, it never occurs to her that this scenario might prove disastrous, at best, or that she's a spoiled, dumb bitch. Her thinking is "when I see my Dad, I'll just know it's him..." Sure. Whatever. All three guys show up and are somehow OK sleeping in the loft of the goat barn together and hiding from Meryl Streep who discovers them immediately and breaks out in song. The entire movie revolves around... something... and there are lots of songs.
I want a refund. Since I can't get the two hours back I spent watching this movie, I want a small kickback from Netflix. I was prepared to not enjoy this movie, I wasn't prepared to hate it so much I pondered cleaning my gun in preparation of it lasting longer than it did. Oh, it's bad... It's an absolutely ridiculous premise: For her wedding, girl invites three strangers who plowed her Mom 20-some-odd years ago when she was whoring it up on the Greek Isles, any of whom might be her dad. I know you just read this a minute ago but it bears repeating. Cuz if it were a big deal to her, she should wait until a time when it's not as AWFUL as at her own wedding. And here's another shitty aspect: the characters are unlikeable. And I don't mean I'm indifferent about them, I could take them or leave them, I mean I DISlike most of them. The pivotal character has no concept of thinking her actions through, the three guys who may have knocked up her Mom are, 1) a "worldly" Scandinavian who lives on a boat and has exotic tattoos on his elbows and knees, 2) a neurotic curly-haired dork whose only heterosexual experience was that one time with Meryl Streep, and 3) Pierce Brosnan. The friends of the main characters are so forgettable, you never even get to hear their names. Not even the groom in the equation is spared. He's just some pigeon-chested doormat who never says to the batshit crazy woman he's deciding to spend his life with, "Hey... That's kinda crazy. Don't invite them." But the worst part......... The absolute WORST part of this movie... Is the music.
Pay attention here: I dislike musicals as it is, with rare exception. Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory is one of the only two good ones (the second will be covered later) and even in Willy Wonka, the music sort of derails the story line sometimes and dissolves any sense of realism. Now, in Mamma Mia!, the songs seem to be included randomly, as an afterthought to a terrible script that someone couldn't make into a 45-minute movie. It was as if someone delivered this awful story idea to a film executive who cringed at it, laid the script on the passenger side of his car, and when he was driving home, listening to his "Now That's What I Call ABBA" CD, had an idea to sell bad Swedish 70's pop and a bad movie simultaneously. Yes, I know it was a stage musical first. Stage musicals never transfer to film very well but I can't imagine the stage version would be much better since it's the fuckin' terrible ABBA music that ruins it anyway. The whole project is like an exercise in fertilizer technology. It's THAT shitty. ABBA songs suck in the first place but my chief complaint about musicals isn't always the music but that the songs are just a distraction. They never advance the story, they eliminate any feeling of reality, and often, they make you forget where you were in the plot because all the bad guys or the newsies or the factory workers are jumping off the fire hydrants, swinging their legs around, twirling non-sensically and so on. On the plus side, in bad musicals you know you can get up to take a piss when someone starts singing or choreographed dancing breaks out. And in true bad musical fashion, Mamma Mia! didn't disappoint. Every single time I found myself getting a little interested in the story, just to the point where I cared enough to pay attention to what the characters were saying, Meryl Streep or James Bond would start singing "Dancing Queen." And Pierce Brosnan sings like my garbage disposal. Listening to the former 007 sing is like watching Dick Clark on his New Year's Rockin' Eve. It's really uncomfortable to watch, you're sure he doesn't WANT to do it, but you know they're contractually obligated to sing or count backwards from 10 with a stroke face (depending on which of them you're talking about.) There are 17 songs in 108 minutes of movie, so do the math: If the songs are just over 3:30 a piece, that a solid hour of singing in a 90 minute movie. Can you handle that? Maybe if it were GOOD music or mediocre music redone to work with the mood of the film. But it's not. These are just awful ABBA songs sung in exactly the same way as when they were released. And do you realize how absurd the idea of an ABBA musical is in the first place?! It would be like, in 2029, the biggest act to hit Broadway would be "Burnin' Up!" the Jonas Brothers musical. Awful. Canned. Pop. Shit.
And just in case the songs didn't piss you off enough, you NEVER find out who the girl's father is. Yes, I ruined it for you. So when your wife or girlfriend comes home and says, "I rented Mamma Mia! We should watch it tonight." You need to say, "I heard you never find out who her father is anyway." She'll either be mad that you ruined the ending or make you watch it so she can hum the songs. You have a 50/50 shot after telling her that at least. You're welcome.
Best Scene: The end credits.
Overall: 3 out of 10. The movie was shot on location on some unnamed Greek island, so there was some beautiful scenery. If Meryl Streep hadn't signed on, this movie would be carried by a million No-Name's surrounding Pierce Brosnan.
What my wife said: "You'd probably give it 6 out of 10 if you had a vagina." Aren't I married to the classiest lady ever?
Who would enjoy this movie: My stepmom enjoyed it. So... Maybe you and her could go see it again.
Watch it if you like: High School Musical. Grease. Being Kicked In The Balls. Swedish pop music.
Next In My Netflix Q: As a matter of coincidence, however, some friends of mine insisted I watch a movie that would change my opinion of musicals: Across The Universe. Rather than ABBA, this movie is built around the unsurpassed vision and quality of the music of The Beatles. And while this movie didn't change my opinion of musicals, I wish more of them were done in this manner. I'm not gonna give too much away, I'll save that for my next review, but suffice to say that Across The Universe wasn't just good, it was phenomenal. For a number of reasons, all of which we'll explore in my next bLogg posting... Thanks to Sean and Charity for letting me watch this movie! And when I get back to my regular rotation: Step Brothers and then Forgetting Sarah Marshall...
**Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, YouTube, and IMDb for various reference sources**
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HILARIOUS! Nice job Wes!
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