Little Shop Of Horrors

It's taken me a little while to get back into the swing of posting regular blogs. Allow me to make the following feeble, yet true, excuses for my lack of production...

1 - My daughter came to stay with us for the first part of the summer. Yeah... Still wanna complain? I'm a good Dad and you're just a selfish jerk who's like, "What the hell, Wes?!"

2 - I had to take a trip to Texas for some military training. Have to get my school on. And I can't get a video store membership anywhere down here. Seriously, Nebraska license plates in southern Texas means, "Fuck with me. I'm a stupid out-of-towner."

3 - Windows Vista is the biggest, smelliest, jerkface, operating system ever. Tell me if this is a helpful error message...

"Internet Explorer cannot access this website. Operation aborted."

or...

"Internet Explorer is shutting down. Microsoft is looking for a solution. No solution found."

And these were the error messages I was getting trying to access my own website. Whatever. Microsoft can suck a fat one. I finally figured out a way to get to my own website which I have ZERO problems accessing from my home computer (which is a Mac, by the way) but it involved downloading plugin's from the internet and paying some shady Persian guy to take my computer "to a fixer" and getting paid in unmarked bills.

This week's movie is one of my favorites from my childhood...

Theatrical Release: December 1986

Genre: Musical?! But Wes, you hate musicals...

Starring: Rick Moranis, Ellen Greene, Vincent Gardenia, Steve Martin AND Bill Murray (Both in the same scene?! My jaw might fall off from laughing so hard), and an evil 10-foot-tall carnivorous plant named Audrey 2 with a mouth bigger than Rosie Perez...

Overview: Seymour Krelborn (Rick Moranis) is a down-on-his-luck, loveable nerd who's head-over-heels for a girl he works with (Audrey) who has father issues and dates abusive dentists. When I say Seymour's a nerd, I'm not talking the trendy Weezer kind of nerd or a McLovin' kind where you're such a nerd you're cool, I mean the purebred, bad sweaters, into horticulture, plays D&D by himself, and is almost certainly a real-life 40-year-old virgin. Krelborn happens upon a strange and interesting plant one day after a mysterious total eclipse of the sun and when he displays the plant in the window of the flower shop he works at, he becomes a local celebrity. Seymour names his plant Audrey 2, after the pole dancer with the mousy voice he works with and is not-so-secretly in love with. Seymour quickly discovers that Audrey 2 doesn't grow with sunlight, Miracle-Gro, and some water but rather with a daily dose of Vitamin A negative. Audrey 2 is into drinking fresh blood. Audrey 1 is simply into handcuffs and Steve Martin. The bigger Audrey 2 gets, the more blood she needs and Seymour only has so many fingers he can poke and drain of blood so Seymour and Audrey 2 sing a song (one of many) about how killing people who deserve to die is OK as long as you feed them to Audrey 2 and keep the cash cow operational. One little murder becomes a quandry, Seymour and Audrey 1 sing about the star-crossed love, and Bill Murray plays a masochistic dental patient.

If you're my age and you never saw this movie as a kid, you might think that a musical about a giant talking, murderous plant and his asthmatic caretaker sounds flippin' retarded. But make no mistake, Little Shop Of Horrors is a pop culture icon for my generation. You know a movie has made it's mark in the world if it's recreated, nearly shot-for-shot, on Family Guy, as seen here...

Now I know some of you have read this blog in the past and are quite familiar with my low opinion of musicals so I'll say this about this movie... Music notwithstanding, this about the craziest, funniest, idea for a movie I could ever dream up. I think making this a musical actually adds to the film, rather than detracts from it. Think about it: If you had to take this movie seriously, at face value, about a giant man-eating plant from outer space and a subplot about an unfulfilled love interest, would you ask for your money back at the theater? "You betcha", to quote Marge Gunderson of the Brainerd sheriff's office. I also happen to remember these songs from when I was a kid so to me, it's sort of like the Sesame Street theme song. And who hates that? Lots of good memories of watching this movie, eating a PB&J, and cutting my sisters hair WAY too short when we were playing 'Barber.' But a little background on this movie should help here...

In 1960, Roger Corman made a B movie called The Little Shop Of Horrors with a budget of $30,000. It was shot over the course of two days and used bits and pieces of a set from a previous movie. Aside from starring a then-unknown Jack Nicholson in a bit part (that's him on the left, in the Tucker Carlson bowtie), the movie was all but forgotten but enjoyed its run in the circles of poorly made black-and-white horror movies from the 50's and 60's. The original also featured NO songs or choreographed hobos. Somewhere along the line, round about 1982, composer Alan Menken (whose biggest claim to fame is all of his Disney movie scores) got the bright idea to turn a great idea (flesh eating plant + love story) into an Off-Broadway play, replete with catchy showtunes and, finally, singing and dancing homeless people. Fast forward to 1986: Frank Oz (who directed The Dark Crystal!) decides he should make a feature film based on the musical based on the feature film. Oz carries some pretty big weight in Hollywood (after all, he is Yoda) so what we, the audience, get is a reunion of comedic all-stars (Rick Moranis, John Candy, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Christopher Guest, and to a lesser extent, Jim Belushi).

So what's the final product? A movie with perfect casting that doesn't take itself too seriously, except for the songs. The cast I can't say enough good things about. Rick Moranis was the perfect choice to play Seymour, who more than likely has Asperger Syndrome. Steve Martin as the sadistic, abusive, nitrous-huffing dentist boyfriend? When he's on screen for the few moments he is, you can't take your eyes off him. He's just that fucking hilarious. Over the top acting, quick jerky movements, and that jet black hair all combine for my favorite character in the movie. The biggest surprise, though, is Ellen Greene (Audrey 1). I'm not a theater buff so I'd never seen her before this movie but the petite mousy little voice she speaks in is the perfect offset to her amazing singing ability. The contrast between the two seems to me to indicate that despite Audrey's slight, vulnerable exterior, inside of her is a passionate, bold woman. (I got all artsy fartsy there, didn't I?) The first song she sings, you'll ask yourself if she lip-synced the whole movie. The answer is 'no', that's her voice. But if you're not into Audrey's singing that much, you can't overlook her pushup bra. My God, those things should have their own song in this movie.

And after all my prattling on about this movie, I wouldn't be doing anyone a favor if I didn't mention the animatronics behind Audrey 2. I hadn't seen 'Little Shop Of Horrors' for a good 15 years or more until yesterday and I'm still scratching my head as to whether or not that giant singing, swearing plant is real. Audrey 2's movements are more lifelike than Nicolas Cage's. The plant has mouth movements to match the songs and not just big flapping hamburger buns to match the syllables, I'm talking little nuances of speech that are seamless. Hollywood can make a nearly lifelike robot plant but Microsoft can't get their shit together enough to give me a version of Windows Vista that doesn't keep shutting down my web browser? Here's a better idea: Turn over Microsoft's Research & Development department to Frank Oz. The next version of Windows might be a little Muppet-friendly (Today's version of Windows has been brought to you by the letters 'X' and 'P') but it also might give me a computer that talks to me and tries to help solve my problems. Instead of just sending another fucking error report to Whoknowswhereistan.

Overall: 9 out of 10. At just an hour and a half, I wanted a little more movie but I probably would've complained about how long this movie was if it were even 10 minutes longer. I don't know what I want.

Best Scene: This is a complete toss-up... It's either Steve Martin singing "I'm A Dentist" or the Bill Murray/Steve Martin sadism-meets-masochism scene. Here's both of them. Please to enjoy and choose your favorite...

What my wife said: My poor wife. I've been watching all these awesome movies without her. She was sweet enough to send me this movie while I'm in Texas and she included a dozen and a half homemade cookies. I promise we'll watch more movies together when I get back. Thanks, honey.

Who would enjoy this movie: Truthfully, not everyone, although it seems like people quietly come out of the woodwork to tell me they love this movie. They won't post it on Facebook or anything like that but they'll tell me in person. Except Casie. No one's been more excited for me to do a review than she is about this one. So who would enjoy this movie? Casie. And anyone else who's got the balls to publicly admit they love a movie about a talking plant.

Watch it if you like: This one's an anomaly. I don't think there are any movies that you can point to and say, "Oh, 'Little Shop Of Horrors'? It's kinda like..." It's kinda like nothing else at all.

Next in the Q: Whatever I can get my hands on. I'd like to go in order of The All-Powerful Request List but geographic and monetary constraints persist. I'll get to everyone still, don't worry.

Feed me, Seymour!

Planes, Trains and Automobiles

I'll preface my rambling by giving you a window into my personality: I'm not a huge fan of Thanksgiving. I usually refer to it as "a speedbump on the way to Christmas." Truth be told, I used to despise Thanksgiving. I didn't see the point of a holiday devoted to being a glutton and eating a lot of food I'm not nuts about. Not to mention the forced family time, crowded together in either a rarely-seen relative's house far from home or at my OWN house, where I manage to have 7 chairs for 10 guests. I also used to not understand what the big deal with turkey was. I only knew it as a dry bird, with the consistency of cardboard. That explained why people only ate it once a year.

But...

Recently I'm becoming a bit of a convert. I blame my wife for this, for making ALL my holidays enjoyable, from Christmas to Arbor Day to Boxing Day, eh. This year, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving. And family crowds. And football and beer. And hanging Christmas lights when it's cold outside. I'm still a nerd for Christmas, don't get me wrong, but as far as the speedbump called Thanksgiving is concerned, this year I'm gonna slow down and take it in rather than just powering thru it to get to the chewy center called Christmas.

With that, I thought I'd do a review of the best Thanksgiving movie I could think of. Surprisingly, it took about 0.7 seconds to think of this movie. Granted, there are no actual Thanksgiving rituals involved in this film but the journey cross-country and the importance of being there for it make up for absolutely NO shots of cranberries. Which is fine with me. Cranberries suck. So here it is, one of the funniest movies of the 80's and unquestionably the best Thanksgiving movie...

PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES

Theatrical Release: Thanksgiving Day 1987... I didn't know that until just now.

Genre: Comedy

Sub-genre: 80's comedy... The good kind. A John Hughes movie. Not a ridiculous attempt at an 80's comedy like Mannequin or Dirty Dancing.

Starring: The comic genius pairing of Steve Martin and John Candy. Many other comic character actors make appearances (Michael McKean, Edie McClurg, and Kevin Bacon! Use this movie to make a connection!)

The overview: Steve Martin has to get home for Thanksgiving from New York to Chicago. The journey starts two days before the Thursday of and over the next 48 hours, every imaginable awful luck scenario prevents him from getting home by any mode of transportation. Yes, he can't get home by neither plane nor train nor automobile nor people train, which don't run outta Wichita. Less'n you're a hog or cattle. People train run outta Stubbville. God, I love this movie. Oh, and John Candy inserts himself in the travel debacle, first by coincidence, then kind of as a lonely annoyance.

I think a lot of movies are either amazing or awful based on one person: the director. The reason the first two AND the last two Batman movies were awesome, the directors (Tim Burton and Christopher Nolan, respectively). Nearly as important, is the producer. When Steven Spielberg produces or directs a movie, you get Schindler's List and not National Treasure, ya know what I mean? In the 80's there was John Hughes. He either produced or directed most of the best movies of the 80's and they all have a unique look and feel to them. The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, Uncle Buck, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Weird Science, The Great Outdoors, Christmas Vacation, to name a few... They're undoubtedly midwestern, usually shot around Chicago, and string several hilarious scenarios together while still managing to advance a plot. Basically, John Hughes movies are a series of jokes that coincidentally is telling you a story. But in order to not get all snooty (Snooty? Snotty. Snotty? Snooty.) about it, I'll just leave it at that, rather than exploring his body of work. Let's just focus on why this is a great movie...

John Candy OR Steve Martin, as individuals, could carry a movie. But putting them both together gives you a comedic pairing unlike any since Laurel and Hardy or even, yes, Harold and Kumar (underrated). Martin plays Neil Page (marketing) and Candy plays Del Griffith (shower curtain ring sales) who find themselves forced together repeatedly during a helluva trip home for Thanks-giving. Shenanigans no doubt abound. The back and forth between Neil and Del is priceless, whether it's Neil telling Del why he's so annoying or the two of them riding in the back of a pickup for "no more than 45 miles, tops" in Kansas in late November when the temperature is 1. The best movies follow classic story archetypes and this one is my favorite, the Quest archetype. Neil HAS to get home for Thanksgiving, no matter the obstacles he encounters along his way. Be it not being able to get a cab in NYC at rush hour (I can't believe that asshole made him pay for the honor of taking the cab!), snow storms over O'Hare, trains breaking down (and leaving them to WALK a mile thru a harvested sugar beet field!), or cars catching fire after driving the wrong way down the interstate and scraping between two semi's! Neil's traveling companion is Del the over-friendly, bright-side-of-everything, shower curtain ring salesman. Del annoys Neil. Neil yells at Del. Del's feelings get hurt. Neil feels bad and continues to travel with Del because Del always knows a guy who's cousin bought some shower curtain rings in '83 and owes him a favor. Neil pays. Del finds the next mode of transportation to get them 45 miles closer to Chicago and when that breaks down, the next leg of their journey will still find them together, traveling in some unconventional way and having to deal with compassionate characters who seem more like movie characters than people you'd encounter in real life. There's no WAY a rental car agent is gonna tell you "You're fucked." But if I want people I'd encounter in real life, I'd watch a Coen brothers movie. Or actually go outside and interact with people. In real life. Ugh.

So why is this a good movie? Joke after joke, and my favorite part: a real sympathetic, identifiable story underneath. In this case, there are two stories. The obvious journey home but the last one is revealed just at the end, after Del and Neil part ways at the L station and after Neil comes back. It's a great story about friendship (corny but it is what it is). It teaches about the redeeming qualities of everyone. When you watch this movie, you find yourself going back and forth between saying to yourself "Well, Neil's being an asshole about it! Lighten up!" or "Del's got it coming. Let him sleep outside in the cold. He used Neil's credit card without telling him. Screw him!" Identifying with AND hating a character in the same story makes them complex and therefore, human. Because humans are nothing if not chock full of contradictions.

In closing, I insist you go to WalMart, Target, KMart, Suncoast, wherever your DVD store of choice may be, go there and purchase this movie. If you only watch it this one time every year, it'd be worth it. Start a new tradition on Thanksgiving, if you're not the football and beer kinda guy! It's a great film to have in your collection and you'll be able to trade the funniest lines with your friends and family for years to come.

Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

Best Scene: There are at least a dozen scenes or lines worth mentioning but if you haven't seen this movie, first of all, shame on you and shame on your parents. Second of all, you just have to watch it to appreciate the following...

Overall: 10 out of 10! I'm even overlooking the missing scenes from my shitty WalMart edition of the movie (vibrating can of beer spilling on the bed, old man eating on the plane) as well as something I never thought of but my wife pointed out -- you never see what's in Del's trunk. At first I thought this was an obvious oversight on the part of the director, since there's so much fodder for comic gold with what COULD be in Del Griffith's trunk. But the more I thought about it, it occurred to me that the trunk is simply a metaphor for Del. Large, cumbersome, in the way a lot, it's definitely seen it's share of the country. But it's still intact, still trudging along, filling it's intended purpose. And I notice that when times were at their most difficult in this film, you see Neil take the other side of the trunk. It's easier to get a trunk around if you have a friend help you. And learning what you do about Del in the end, it gives the whole movie a different perspective.

Who would enjoy this movie: Families. BUT... If you're watching this movie with kids under 14, herd them out of the room for the rental car return scene. Trust me. And you're welcome.

Watch it if you like: National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation; Strange Brew; Uncle Buck; The Great Outdoors; any John Candy movie, really. He's the greatest.

Next In My Netflix Q: Madagascar 2

**Thanks to Google, Wikipedia, and IMDb for various reference sources**