Zack And Miri Make A Porno

This week's movie is a request from a friend who wished to remain anonymous. "How bad could it really be?", I thought. Obviously, the movie eludes to porn but from what I gathered, it's not actually a porn. Right? I'm cool with keeping someone's anonymity but I thought it might've been a little over reactive. Until I saw it...

Theatrical Release: October 31st, 2008... Halloween? How timely.

Genre: Comedy... But not nearly as much porno as the title would lead you to believe.

Sub-Genre: Another damn Kevin Smith movie.

Starring: That lovable loser with a slight lisp, Seth Rogen; Elizabeth Banks (the hot bookstore girl from 'The 40-Year-Old Virgin); Craig Robinson (Darryl, from "The Office'), who should have a starring role in his own movie by now; Jason Mewes, who wouldn't have an acting career without Kevin Smith movies; Katie Morgan: Porn Star; Traci Lords and her jowls: Former Porn Star

NOT Starring: Jay or Silent Bob

Overview: It's really all there in the title, isn't it? Bear in mind, this is a Kevin Smith movie so not much is off limits, thank God. The only downside to that is that not much is believable either. Zack (Rogen) is a "barista" who lives with, but has never fucked, his smoking hot best friend, Miri (Banks). The City of Pittsburgh decides that three months of unpaid electric bills means you don't wanna pay so they shut the power off in Zack and Miri's apartment in the middle of winter. Zack and Miri have no other alternative but to make a porno. I mean it... NO alternative. Sure, they could've looked for second jobs or moved in with some friends for a bit or joined the Army or something like that but who would watch a movie called Zack And Miri Work Out A Payment Plan With Their Utilities Companies After They Get Part Time Jobs And One Of Them Asks For A Raise At Work? After being bankrolled by Delaney (Robinson), they somehow manage to convince total strangers to take off their clothes and have sex on camera and that this is not a scam created to get total strangers to take off their clothes and have sex on camera. Insert love story between overweight burnout Zack and Miri, who is so far out of his league that she's not even the same sport. It'd be like A-Rod starting for the Lakers. Totally fuckin' believable...

Let's talk about porn.

Also, let's talk about the disproportionate level of attractiveness between dudes and chicks in porn. Unless you're a holy-roller type, you've seen some porn in your life. And I'm sure it's caught your attention once or twice that while this is your typical female porn star...

...you'd be horrified to discover that her co-star is quite often this guy.

This has to be why this movie successfully got away with pairing Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks in the romantic roles. Porn has a long history of ugly men nailing women that wouldn't give them the time of day outside of the coke-fueled party doubling as a movie set in some "directors" house in Malibu. The porn industry isn't solely guilty of this indiscretion. You can find it in a lot of movies and TV shows. I call this The Ralph Kramden Anomaly and it's killing America. Here's how it works...

On the left is Ralph Kramden, played by Jackie Gleason, from TV's The Honeymooners. Ralph is fat, temperamental, drives a bus for a living, chain smokes, and probably smells like those contractors that hit on Angella at work that one day. He also routinely threatens his wife with physical violence by asserting that he'll smack her so hard she'll leave the atmosphere and end up on the moon like that orca on South Park. On his best days, Ralph tops out at a 4. On the right side of the picture, is Alice, Ralph's wife. She has pretty hair, a nice smile, and those aerodynamic pointy boobs women had in the 50's. She also smells like lavender. She's easily an 8. She could do a lot better. Ralph's wife is disproportionately hot.

Example #2: Fred and Wilma Flintstone. I mean, c'mon. Fred is big fat fatty who perpetually wears a 5 o'clock shadow, bowls like Tinkerbell, and spends too much time with the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes (Lodge No. 26). Wilma, on the other hand, has a killer body, wears a short skirt while doing the housework cuz she's a freak like that, and cooks for Fred. She's also a redhead which is a big plus in my book. In the real world, Wilma would've dumped Fred for Mr. Slate long before he got stuck in his dead-end job at the quarry and gained 60 pounds eating brontosaurus burgers. The same goes for Barney and Betty Rubble. Betty would never be with a guy like Barney, who is clearly retarded.

Need more examples?

Any chance these two would ever hook up in real life? Take it one step further... Any chance she'd marry him? Of course not. Somehow comedian Kevin James and his exposed chest hair got a sitcom deal where Leah Remini (Scientologist alert!) plays his wife. Even when she was pregnant on King Of Queens, she was still waaaay better looking (and skinnier) than Kevin James. Sure he's a funny guy but "funny" won't fix "fugly."

Other unrealistic instances in film and TV of fat sweaty losers bagging extremely hot women...

Homer is a fat bald alcoholic who thought that gaining weight until he classified as "morbidly obese" was a smart plan for getting out of work. Meanwhile, Marge is on the cover of this month's Playboy.

"According To Jim", he only needs to wear his best t-shirt for a photoshoot with his Too Hot Wife. Douche.

You know Lois is hot. Peter has had multiple fistfights with her and once even went gay. Peter and Lois are the most unlikely couple on this list.

Well, well, well. Look who's back? Even if Katherine Heigl's husband left her for a French supermodel on the same day that her dog ran away after she lost her job... Even after a dozen Jager-bombs ("Shots!")... Even after eating roofies like Reese's Pieces... She would never, ever fuck this guy.

So here we are. Full circle, back at Seth Rogen. He's just this generation's representative of The Ralph Kramden Anomaly, which is named after Jackie Gleason's character because he was the first guy to plant this bullshit into normal guys minds. Seth Rogen and his inability to shave his fucking face just perpetuate it. Do you know anyone in real life who's a big fat slob of a turd who has a Megan Fox lookalike at home, picking his shaved callouses off the bathroom floor and loving every minute of it? Of course you don't! It doesn't happen! But it ruins America because these burping, farting, scabies farms think that their lack of hygiene is acceptable and will eventually culminate in him bringing home Amy Smart. Everyone knows you can't become a total slob until after you're married. Where's that movie? Zack And Miri Start Showing Their True Colors After The Wedding And One Of Them, I Won't Say Who, Has Had It Up To Here With Her Shit.

This is my only issue with this movie, really. I can believe any and all of it except for this one detail. If you have any other examples of The Ralph Kramden Anomaly, feel free to post them in the 'Comments' section at the end of this review.

Aside from the RKA, this wasn't a bad movie for Kevin Smith. Normally, I think his movies contain lengthy, unbelievable dialogue (case in point, this scene from Mallrats) and I'll never forgive him for unleashing Jason Lee onto an unsuspecting world. And in case you were a fan of Lee's wooden acting, know this: Jason Lee is a Scientologist. That's two in one post. What the hell is going here?! All in all, though, I really do enjoy his films. And I'm glad he didn't try to bring in Jay and Silent Bob on this project. They had their movie and while he couldn't have made Clerks II without them, if I had to sit through another predictable scenario where Silent Bob doesn't talk for the whole movie until he says something enlightening at just the right time, I would've rolled my eyes and read a book instead. As it is, this movie is just a simple love story that's been run through Smith's mind. If you're a View Askew fan, you know it's gonna be different from what else is out there. And I mean Traci-Lords-blowing-a-pussy-bubble different...

Overall: 8 out of 10. A typical Kevin Smith movie. An ordinary plot wrapped inside an out-of-the-ordinary scenario. A funny, unconventional movie but it's still a love story, even if you get to watch Jason Mewes demonstrate The Dutch Rudder.

Best Scene: Maybe not the best but certainly one you won't forget... Depending on your brand of humor, it's either the funniest scene in the whole film or it'll be the reason you shut the movie off and channel surf until you find a rerun of Mr. Belvedere to watch instead.

Lester and Stacey are about to do an anal scene. Stacey nonchalantly mentioned earlier that she was feeling a little constipated but she went ahead and did the scene anyway. The worst that could happen, did happen...

**WARNING: This scene is too much even for me to post on here. I'll post the link and you can decide for yourself if you wanna see it. Click here, if you think you're man enough.**

What my wife said: "Are you into the Dutch Rudder?"

Who would enjoy this movie: My buddy Jo-Jo. Other Mallrats. Jay and/or Silent Bob. My Dad liked it... I don't know how I feel about that.

Watch it if you like: Orgazmo. Other Seth Rogen attempts to dominate Hollywood. Seriously, he plays the same guy in every single movie: Seth Rogen. He's truly this decade's Steve Guttenberg and he will likewise fade into oblivion when the calendar clicks over to 2011. Seth Rogen, you will be missed... But you never EVER had a chance with this girl...

Next in the Q: I can't decide. My next request is The Neverending Story but I have a hankerin' to see RoboCop. Why? Because of the fucking awesome remake that's coming this summer... We'll see, huh?

Pineapple Express

The triumphant return of the Buddy-Stoner-Dark-Comedy-Action Movie! Although I couldn't name another movie I'd group in with that particular genre...

Theatrical Release: August 2008

Genre: Comedy

Sub-Genre: Buddy Stoner Dark Comedy Action

Starring: Seth Rogen (everyone's loveable, chubby loser), James Franco (from Spider-Man?!), Gary Cole (who you won't know by name but he played the dad in The Brady Bunch Movie), Danny McBride (awesome), Rosie Perez (huh?) and a shitload of what I like to call "WTF Cameos"... Ya know, people you've seen in other projects, but who you didn't expect to pop up in this movie and you're pretty sure they did because, somehow, all the people in Hollywood who are really funny must know each other or slept on someones couch in college in the 90's... Like Ben Affleck and Kevin Smith... Who are not in Pineapple Express. 

Overview: 20-something stoner Dale (Seth Rogen) is a process server who likes to get high on the job. Before I go any further, I have to commend functioning potheads like Dale. I can't even drive to the store to get more Gatorade and Cool Ranch Doritos when I'm stoned, let alone work or go to class or fly a plane or win 8 gold medals. So Dale ends up buying an extremely rare breed of weed from his dealer, Saul (James Franco) called the Pineapple Express. While out and about, smoking a joint, waiting to serve some dude, Dale witnesses a murder, chucks his Pineapple Express roach out the window and the murderer (Gary Cole), who knows his weed, recognizes the Pineapple Express and has to track down the witness via the dealer, Saul. 

Pineapple Express is yet another quality movie from Judd Apatow and his former Freaks & Geeks cast. (Click on the title for a clip from the show, if you're not familiar) I promise after this review, I won't post another Judd Apatow review for a while. It's just not fair. They're all good. 

Pineapple Express is as much a buddy comedy as it is an action film. It's done in the same spirit of the Cheech and Chong movies but at the same time it wasn't exclusively a stoner film. And I'm sorry if I'm going overboard with the pot references here but, c'mon, the movie is about a pothead, his dealer, the middleman, and the supplier, all intertwined in a murder. So unlike a lot of other movies revolving around pot, this story is good! Not that Cheech and Chong aren't good but their stand-up is a lot better. But for this movie, it is NOT necessary to be well-versed in the secret language of Potheads. (What would you call that language? Marijuanese? Doobiean?) It doesn't hurt, though, to understand this going in: Most buyers aren't lifelong friends with their dealers. They just wanna buy their quarter ounce, possibly match a bowl, and then leave. With as little chit chat as possible. But here's the problem: Dealers always wanna hang out and talk or show you their newest gadget or play some fuckin' Halo or something. Such is the relationship between Dale and Saul, initially. And James Franco deserves some sort of High Times award for his portrayal of a burnout. His mannerisms, the lingo, his posture, he IS a small-time pot dealer. He actually reminds me of a guy I used to know and I wouldn't be surprised if he just shadowed that guy for a couple months to "get into character." But there's no better character than Danny McBride as Red, the lonely, insecure, childish middle-man who waffles between fear of getting his ass kicked again or helping Dale and Saul because he has so few friends anyway. 

Another differentiating feature of this movie that you're not gonna find in other stoner flicks? The less-than-comical effects of pot. Sure, Jeff Spicoli can go back and forth with Mr. Hand about pizza in class and Method Man and Red Man can go to college because they got high but Dale and Saul demonstrate what happens the other 85% of the time when you're stoned... Paranoia (which is understandable when Rosie Perez and Mike Brady are coming after you), irrational thought, forgetfulness, being distracted, and my personal favorite: flaking out. Also, I think there's a noticeable difference in what happens during this movie's action film staple, the car chase, and what you see in purebred, Bruce Willis action movies. At some point, Saul steals a cop car because Dale's in the back... Ya know what, here, just watch it...

Now Saul's car chase is nothing like what you've come to expect from movies like Ronin or Bullitt. But I think by being very tongue-in-cheek about the car chase, it keeps the feel of the movie very light and comical, when at times it can be a slightly dark comedy. But definitely more comedy than dark. Another indicator that the film leans slightly toward being a dark comedy is the relationship between the hitmen, Matheson and Budlofsky (perfectly played by Kevin Corrigan and Craig Robinson, aka: Darryl from The Office). Matheson is constantly getting on Budlofsky's case for turning into a huge pussy who has to be home every night in time for dinner. But they're still undoubtedly hitmen, as evidenced by Robinson's final scene when he becomes neutralized by a Daewoo Lanos. No, that really happens... I also realized we finally live in the age of equality when I saw the fight scene between Saul and Rosie Perez as the dirty cop. It's such a beautiful demonstration of equal rights to see that any person, regardless of gender, isn't exempt from a beatdown every now and again. 

This movie really has everything. A good story, lots of laughs, enough action to keep you from getting up to go pee, swearing, fighting, and Ed Begley with a gun. You could enjoy this movie with a small group of friends and a dime bag or just you and your wife, stone-cold sober (which I did). Don't judge it before you see it. It's a funny movie even if you've never smoked a bowl in your life. Which I haven't. Honest, officer...

Overall: 4.5 bong hits out of 5. The only thing I couldn't get past was Dale's high school girlfriend. He's gotta be 25 or older and I don't care how hot your 18-year-old girlfriend is, she's still in high school. And that's only cool if you're in high school with her. But then, if you're 25 and still in high school, yeah, not cool again.

The most awesomest part is: When Dale and Saul show up at Red's house to see if anyone has come around asking about them, Dale gets suspicious of Red and then this happens...

I chose the version with the Swedish subtitles because it

 was a thousand times more hilarious that way. Skitsnack!

What my old lady said: "Boys are weird." also "James Franco is a very pretty man."

Who would enjoy this movie: Jeff Spicoli. Michael Phelps. Harold. Kumar. Travis. 

Wait... What were we just talking about?: No, seriously. What? Huh?

Watch it if you were into: Dazed And Confused. Cheech and Chong. Half Baked. Knocked Up.

Next in the Q: Twilight. It's like the polar opposite of this movie. Another one I happily watched for/with my wife since I make her sit through stuff like, well, like Pineapple Express. (Click on the title to view the trailer)