RoboCop

Theatrical Release: July 1987

Genre: Futuristic Robot Sci-Fi Crime Actiongasm

Starring: 

Peter Weller as Murphy

Peter Weller as RoboCop (aka Murphy's corpse)

Nancy Allen as Anne Lewis

Kurtwood Smith as Clarence Boddicker

Expectations: Midrange. They say "never meet your heroes" but I met RoboCop at a car show once when I was 9 or 10. More accurately, I met some first-year college theater major dressed up as RoboCop. And I could see the duct tape holding the suit together.

Stop! Or I'll turn off the air and involve you in a moderate speed chase!

Overview: In the future, the city of New Detroit is rampant with crime. Old Detroit having been completely leveled by riots in 2015 when the Pistons won the championship. In New Detroit, women are raped in broad daylight by knife-wielding mulletheads hopped up on a suitcase of Natty Light, murder is more common than um, non-murder, and the citizens routinely cough without covering their mouths. As with most problems in life, the only solution is, of course, robots. Or in this case, a cyborg comprised of some stainless steel and the likely slowly decomposing head of a former New Detroit police officer. He has a bigger gun, brass balls (literally), and drives a badass Ford Taurus. (Editor's note: There is nothing badass about a Ford Taurus). New Detroit better watch its ass. RoboCop's about to open a jar of baby food all over that town.

One thing I really like about RoboCop is that it's an original idea. There's nothing heavily borrowed from graphic novels or a Japanese movie/anime from the 80's. RoboCop is 100% 'Merican, as evidenced by all the gunplay and still more gunplay. A Japanese crossover version might involve time travel or a RoboCycle or incorporating some martial arts or... Wait, why would that suck? Directed by Paul Verhoeven (Total Recall, Starship Troopers, Basic Instinct), RoboCop takes a look at a society in what has to be something like the early 2000's, as it's falling apart faster than a game of Jenga with Michael J. Fox.


RoboCop opens with a news broadcast from da future, one where South Africa is nuclear and shoulderpads are still the height of fashion (for both men and women). New Detroit is a vision of a city near total chaos. The police force has been taken over by Omni Consumer Products (OCP), a private organization cashing in on the paramilitary-industrial complex. Think Halliburton. With robots. In order to put a stop to New Detroit's meth-fueled orgy of crime, OCP debuts the ED-209, an enormous robot with gatling guns for arms and Darth Vader's voicebox. Unfortunately, ED-209 tries too hard to make a good first impression, gets a little overzealous, and when your only method of communication is shooting 20mm high explosive incendiary rounds at people, well you can imagine that board meeting didn't go so well. Meanwhile OCP has another trick up their sleeve: RoboCop. All they need now is some cop to die in the line of duty so they can wedge what's left of him into a stainless steel suit and... Hey, guess what just happened to some guy named Murphy? Jackpot!

How to sell a movie.

The problem with setting any movie in the near future is that in a decade or so, people will be able to watch the movie again and laugh at Hollywood's predictions. There's a big difference between good sci-fi that forewarns of man's dependence on technology (think Philip K. Dick or Arthur C. Clarke) and the kind of sci-fi that Hollywood churns out just to show Sigourney Weaver in her underwear. And while I wouldn't categorically define RoboCop as futuristic sci-fi so much as an action flick, it's still set in a future close enough that you and I are probably living in the time RoboCop is supposed to have existed. So it's hard not to watch RoboCop and point out where they got things wrong and where they came pretty damn close on some predictions.

What They Got Right:

Americans love stupid TV shows - Even if you only saw RoboCop once, chances are you remember "I'd buy that for a dollar!" Who cares what the name of that show is? You can tell from the pointless catchphrase and scantily clad sluts that the same people who write "The Big Bang Theory" and "Two and a Half Men" write "I'd Buy That for a Dollar" in the RoboCop universe. I'm also pretty sure I saw someone watching "Jersey Shore" in New Detroit.

Buy it... For a dollar!

Outsourcing law enforcement - Surprisingly, this is becoming increasingly popular in cities like Oakland and New Orleans, where crime rates already reach New Detroit levels. No word yet on which city will be employing the ED-209 first.

The mall is now closed. You have 15 seconds to comply.

Cyborgs - Yes, cyborgs. Maybe we're not to the point where a human head can be transplanted onto a fully robotic body designed to fight crime and shoot a .50 caliber Desert Eagle at jaywalkers but we're getting there. There have been amazing advances in the field of prosthetics: robotic arms and legs that connect with nerves in the body and respond to the brain's electrical impulses, moving them just as easily and fluidly as a flesh-and-bone limb. Scientists have also succeeded in preventing seizures by using electronic implants directly into the freakin' brain that detect seizures before they happen and bathe the brain in ooey-gooey anti-seizure medicine. Robocop might be a mere decade away, just in time to recruit him to fight for the humans when the machines become self aware. 

With optional handgun attachment.

Of course, for every nearly accurate vision of the future in a futuristic movie, there are dozens more laughable predictions and technological oversights. It never hurts to bring in some technical experts to advise on up and coming technologies or trends in law enforcement, rather than just supposing what the future of policing will hold because it'd be "pretty fucking awesome if everyone wore black and had lasers, fuck yeah, lasers!"

What They Got Wrong:

No cell phones - Maybe it's generational but I'm painfully aware of the lack of cell phones in every movie I watch made before 2000. Problems like passing along some vital information to MacGuyver can always be easily solved with a quick call to his iPhone, provided someone hasn't rigged it to an IED. Sure RoboCop was released in 1987, but so was Wall Street. And nearly a decade of bag phones and big gray Motorola monsters followed but if Gordon Gekko had the foresight to invest in a cell phone, couldn't Paul Verhoeven see the writing on the wall? RoboCop didn't need to have 4G or a Bluetooth (like an asshole) in his shiny helmet but some form of instant communication seems like a given in any dystopian vision of the future.

"It's a tickle in my throat. Should I worry?"

Where are the computers? - I can almost understand a lack of cell phones in da future. Even the brightest minds of sci-fi couldn't have imagined the global hard-on the world today has for devices that allow us to play Angry Birds. But when you realize Verhoeven's millenial America doesn't have computers anywhere other than inside RoboCop, it feels a little lazy. Not just a missed target, like portraying computers as massive megalithic machines that take up a gymnasium, but to leave them out completely is like saying "Computers? Those are just a fad. I don't see any practical purpose for them in the future." And you know they have computers in New Detroit because, well, RoboCop.

Less computing power than my coffee maker.

Non-lethal weapons in law enforcement - No tasers, no rubber bullets, no guns that shoot nets, no light sabers, not even a handful cricket bats are considered for the police force of New Detroit. Just guns and robots with guns. Even RoboCop, who's bulletproof, goes right for his enormous sidearm first when apprehending a criminal. Never mind that he could walk right up to someone while they're emptying their clip on him and subdue them. Nope. In the future, cops shoot bigger, badder guns and ask questions later. And judging by ED-209's mini-guns-for-arms, that trend isn't going to reverse itself.

Soon to be replacing the red light cameras.

RoboCop is still a good standalone movie. Peter Weller's robotic movements are either flawlessly executed or it was a real metal suit and it took every ounce of his strength to move in it. Either way, the RoboCop presence is menacing and original. Combine the underrated sound effects of his motions and the above-par musical score of the film, and RoboCop stands out as a decent movie, despite some of it's shortcomings. The movie might not stand the test of time but very few movies about the future ever do. And yes, as much as I love Back to the Future, I'll still be one of those peckerheads on November 5th, 2015 (which is exactly four years from today, oddly enough) running around with my checklist yelling "Where's my hoverboard, Robert Zemeckis? Where are my self-lacing shoes and flying cars?!" But I digress... RoboCop isn't a movie about da future so don't get too wrapped around the axle about the stuff that is and isn't accurate (that's what I'm for). It's a movie about robots with human heads who have guns embedded into their thighs and stab Red from That 70's Show right in the throat with a chrome knuckle spike. Which is all pretty badass.

Best Scene: Say what you will but I'll never forget this one. Which reminds me, I need to get some windshield washer fluid...

Likely Porn Spin-off Title: RoboCock.  

RoboCop Trivia: Peter Weller gots a big ol' brain. After he was implanted with RoboCop's super computer brain, he went on to get a Master's degree in Roman and Renaissance Art from Syracuse University, where he teaches a course in ancient history. He's also completing his Ph.D at UCLA in Italian Renaissance art history. In short, Peter Weller is Tom Hanks character in The Da Vinci Code.  

Overall: 7 out of 10. I friggin' love RoboCop. But aside from a cyborg cop oozing with vengeance, there's a lot about this movie that seems hastily written. Cops going inside an abandoned factory alone to arrest coke-fueled, shotgun-wielding career criminals, hand grenades that explode entire houses, and in the final scene, RoboCop blasts some guy out the window of a skyscraper. The only reaction from the room? The friendly smirk from the CEO. "Shucks, that's our soulless killing machine, RoboCop. What a scamp!" the smirk seems to say. Freeze frame. Roll the credits while the Family Matters theme plays in the background.


If you can get past the vision of RoboCop without his helmet on, which is downright creepy, most of this movie is enjoyable. It's bloody, it's got cool effects, a great score, and a future society falling apart is always fun to watch. So enjoy RoboCop! And pretend there were never ever any sequels made...

Yuck... I'm pretty sure this was a Garbage Pail Kid.

Oh! Before closing, take a moment to appreciate the amazing work of one of my favorite artists, Joseph Griffith. And while unfortunately you can't buy this print anymore, he has many other equally mind-blowing prints for sale on his website, which you can link to here. 

Pee-Wee's Big Adventure

Theatrical Release: August 1985

Genre: Live-action cartoon

Starring...


Pee-Wee Herman as Himself (Ok, fine, Paul Reubens plays Pee-Wee Herman, happy?) 

Elizabeth Daily as Dottie

Mark Holton as Francis Buxton

Overview: Pee-Wee Herman, local man-child and bow tie enthusiast treks across the country in search of his stolen bike.

Expectations: So very high.

When I was growing up, my folks were stationed in Italy for a number of years, which brought with it different experiences that most other people my age cannot share with me. My sister and I lived on a villa in Sicily with an enormous orchard in the back filled with date trees, and figs, and blood oranges, and two big cement water storage tanks that had carp in them "to keep the water clean." Although now that I think about it, I have to wonder how much carp shit I ingested as a child. Our gardener, Raphael, taught us enough Italian to ask for gelato and how to change our allowance into lire to play pinball in the restaurants. No joke, this was my childhood for many years. We had no concept of the life we were missing back in the not-as-of-yet morbidly obese US-of-A, except... Once a month, we received a box of VHS tapes from one of our friends back stateside. He or she would spend what seems now to be an inordinate amount of time recording TV shows for us and sending them in a big box filled to the brim with America. See, we only had one TV channel on the military base and it was the Armed Forces Network (AFN). For those of you unfamiliar with AFN programming of the mid 80's, the selection was a little... Dated. Sure, there were plenty of Burt Reynolds movies and gripping reruns of Barnaby Jones and The Fall Guy for the grown-ups to watch but when it came to kids shows, we were allotted a two-hour block on Saturday morning only. And this was the 80's, when Saturday morning cartoons were a staple of kid-dom. There was no Cartoon Network or old episodes of Spongebob in the DVR to fall back on. While all my American counterparts were living it up watching The Flintstone Kids, A Pup Named Scooby-Doo, Alvin and the Chipmunks, and DuckTales, I had... Aquaman. And Shazam. 

Why is his cape held on with a rope? Oh yeah... So he can go hang himself out of shame.

You can understand why the box was received with quite a lot of fanfare. With each new shipment of VHS tapes, there would inevitably be one six-hour long cassette just for us rugrats filled with Saturday morning goodness. And of course, by special request, Pee-Wee's Playhouse. Me and my sister would watch -- nay, absorb -- every episode we could get, repeating the secret word and then screaming uncontrollably until our mother would chase us out of the house yelling at us to watch more Shazam, which didn't incite any screaming, ever. For the duration of our time overseas, we reveled in our Pee-Wee's Playhouse reruns and when we got back to 'Merica, I quickly made a lot of new friends with my still dead-on Pee-Wee impression.


You could say Pee-Wee Herman was a big part of my childhood. So it should come as no surprise that my childhood effectively ended at age 11 when Paul Reubens was arrested in Sarasota, Florida in 1991 for jerking off in an adult movie theater. I had to learn in one jaw-dropping conversation with my mom who Paul Reubens was, what "masturbation" was all about, and who that homeless man was everyone kept referring to as Pee-Wee.

No, I don't have any spare change!

At the time, I felt betrayed by Pee-Wee himself but as I've gotten older, I realize I had no one to blame but a bloodthirsty media for my hero's fall from grace. I'll never understand why or how some celebrities weather their scandals and bounce back immediately while still others have to live in obscurity for years before their careers enjoy a second wind, if at all. For every Hugh Grant, Robert Downey, Jr, or Martha Stewart, there's a Mel Gibson, Jesse James, or Tiger Woods sitting on the sidelines, poring over the PR strategy employed by those who came before them, got caught getting a hummer in the Oval Office, and walked from it all nearly unscathed. But I'm not here to turn this into a discussion about scandal. We all know what happened. 

There's supposed to be a movie review in here somewhere, so let's get on with it.

In Tim Burton's first major directorial debut, we're drawn into the incredibly random world of Pee-Wee Herman, with its Rube Goldberg-esque breakfast machine, Willie the Water Bug lawn sprinkler, and the undeniable combo of Mr. T cereal on pancakes. Pee-Wee exists in a state of arrested development but not in the way your dickhole of a former roommate does with his all-night Call of Duty marathons and insistence that he lost his job because he was "too fuckin' good at it" and that his boss was threatened by that. Man up, Jake, you're 33! No, Pee-Wee is completely comfortable in his own eccentric skin, with "eccentric" just being a euphemism for "weird" provided you have some money. Which begs the question, what does Pee-Wee do for a living? I like to think he lives off the settlement money paid to him by Dow Chemicals for all the paint chips he ate as a kid. It would explain a lot... The only thing Pee-Wee takes seriously in the whole world is, of course, his tricked-out chick magnet of a bike.

"The X-1 needs to cool down."

When his prized bike is stolen while visiting his bestest girl, Dottie, at work, Pee-Wee goes absolutely bananas and embarks on a voyage to find his beloved two-wheeled conveyance. After a hot tip from Madame Ruby the psychic, Pee-Wee sets his sights for San Antonio and the basement of the Alamo which, as we all know, is the ideal place to run a bike thievery ring. Off on his journey, our hero must make his way across the country in a world where apparently airlines don't exist or maybe Greyhound wouldn't take Pee-Wee's payment of a suitcase of Mike & Ike's as legal tender. So he has to hitchhike, which is a great thing to show children it's ok to do. Pee-Wee makes many new friends on his journey, starting with the first person to pick him up while thumbing it, an escaped convict named Mickey driving a Ford Edsel. Roughly 35 minutes into the film, Pee-Wee commits his first of many criminal offenses by aiding and abetting a known felon by disguising himself and Mickey as newlyweds. They get away from the police roadblock without being found out and Mickey later repays Pee-Wee by leaving him in the middle of goddamn nowhere to die in the desert in the middle of the night.

Fortunately, Pee-Wee is rescued from death in the desert by a friendly trucker named Large Marge who regales him with a story about an accident she once witnessed. When describing the aftermath of the accident, Large Marge turns to Pee-Wee and says that when they pulled the driver from the twisted wreckage, his face looked just like this:

This is still a kid's movie, right? I didn't stumble onto the set of Creepshow?

Okaaaaay... Pee-Wee is politely informed by the patrons of the restaurant he's been dropped off at that Large Marge is, in fact, a ghost. The Large Marge scene still reigns supreme as the scariest movie moment from my childhood, even beating out Tim Curry's Pennywise from It and the entire 101 minutes of Watership Down.

Once Pee-Wee has fully recovered from his encounter with the poltergeist who was nice enough to give him a lift, he meets Simone, a square-jawed waitress who stops short of throwing her panties at Pee-Wee but still invites him to watch the sunrise from inside a dinosaur's mouth, so long as he doesn't mind the very real threat of her crazy ex-boyfriend Andy showing up to bash his skull in with an oversized femur. When that's exactly what happens, Pee-Wee commits his next serious crime when he hops a freight train to get the hell out of there and befriends a toothless hobo who, unlike real hobos, does not try to stab, rob, or sodomize this newcomer to rail riding. Pee-Wee does, however, have a twisted nightmare featuring evil clown doctors, sets that came from a Salvador Dali print, and some of the creepiest music imaginable. You didn't think this was going to stay a friendly kid's movie for more than 20 minutes, did you?

After hurling himself off a moving train to get away from the hobo (now possibly blazed out of his mind on rubbing alcohol), Pee-Wee finds himself in my least favorite city, San Antonio, and tracks down the infamous Alamo only to discover... There is no basement at the Alamo! Thanks, Madame Ruby, for proving once again that all psychics are full of shit, billing you at $4.99 a minute.

Crushed and humiliated, Pee-Wee tries to make his way back home. After some friendly bikers offer to rearrange his face, Pee-Wee wins them over by dancing the best dance ever put on celluloid, then crashes his newly acquired motorcycle through a billboard (really, really hard, I might add). Pee-Wee recognizes his bike on the TV shortly after and heads out to Hollyweird to put right what once went wrong. 

No copyright infringement intended there, Mr. Bakula.

Once Pee-Wee finds his bike on a movie set, he "steals" it away from Kevin Arnold's older brother and leads the entire Warner Brothers movie studio on what I'd dare call the best bicycle-led chase scene of all time. And it might just be me but I can't see a movie where the cast runs amok at the studio without thinking of Blazing Saddles. All that's missing was The Great Pie Fight and Dom DeLuise screaming at his flamboyant dancers. Regardless, once Pee-Wee's made a clean getaway from the long arm of the Warner Brothers studio's security guards, his complete escape is hindered by -- of course -- a pet store that's on fire. After rescuing all the animals inside (snakes included), Pee-Wee is arrested, offered a movie deal in lieu of jail time, and then rides off into the sunset with Dottie while James Brolin plays him in the over-dramatized story of his life.

You're saying he's not retarded?

Paul Reubens' ability to tap into his true inner child and conjure up Pee-Wee Herman is an unappreciated feat of acting. Not until Sacha Baron Cohen's Borat has an actor so completely immersed himself in his role that the public may not even been aware it was an act. Even Marlon Brando, a pioneer of method acting, was rumored to have not known that Pee-Wee Herman was a character invented by Paul Reubens. Adults thought Pee-Wee was weird because he either A) Was a grown man acting like someone with a learning disability ("I know you are but what am I?") or B) Was a grown man with some form of annoying mental defect. In reality, Paul Reubens was simply able to find his inner 8-year-old, put him in a gray suit and red tie, and let him run loose driving toy firetrucks into his action figures ("Look out, Mr. Potato Head!") I'm so glad to see Pee-Wee enjoying a revival in popularity, thanks to my generation realizing that maybe Paul Reubens got a raw deal. From his hit Broadway show debuting in the fall of 2010, to his appearance at a Dallas Cowboys practice session, to his surprising night out with Andy Samberg on Saturday Night Live doing shots until a chair had to be broken over Anderson Cooper's back, Pee-Wee Herman is back and better than ever.


Pee-Wee's Big Adventure is just what the title says: One big adventure, filled with amazing characters, jumping from one shenanigan to another, and is there a lesson to be learned here? Probably not. Other than don't take rides from trucker ladies.

Pee-Wee Fun Facts: Pee-Wee's Big Adventure was co-written with Paul Reubens' longtime friend, Phil Hartman, who has a brief cameo near the end of the film.

Debi Mazar

Other cameos include Milton Berle, Tom Berenger, Cassandra Peterson (the real-life Elvira), Lynn Marie Stewart (aka, Miss Yvonne), James Brolin, Morgan Fairchild, and Dee Snider. 

Paul Reubens was not involved in a long-term relationship with Big Top Pee-Wee star, Valeria Golino, as rumor had it. He did, however, have a very long relationship with Debi Mazar, an equally hot brunette. Chicks dig the bow tie.

Judd Apatow is developing the next Pee-Wee Herman movie. Dear sweet Lord, keep Adam Sandler away from that thing.


Pee-Wee's Playhouse starred Laurence "Morpheus" Fishburne as Cowboy Curtis and Phil Hartman as Captain Carl. The show also won 22 Emmy Awards during its five-year run. 

Best Scene: This one's a no-brainer...

Face it, you never hear "Tequila" without thinking of this scene.

Overall: 9 out of 10. Pee-Wee's Big Adventure loses a single point for scaring the shit out of me. But I still love you, Pee-Wee. You were the single biggest influence on my sense of humor next to Mr. Show, which I didn't even discover until age 18. Pee-Wee, you truly did get a raw deal and I'm glad you're finally getting the appreciation owed to you. And as my homage to you, here's my next tattoo...

"I'm a loner, Dottie... A rebel."

Inception

Theatrical Release: July 2010

Genre: Thriller? Sci-Fi? Action? All of the above. A psychological triathlon...

Starring...


Leonardo DiCaprio as Cobb and NOT in a Martin Scorcese film!


Ellen Page as Ariadne, a bitingly sarcastic pregnant teenage dream architect


Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Arthur, the only cast member with Werewolf of London hair


Marion Cotillard as Mal, pronounced "Mall"... So why not just spell it that way?


Ken Watanabe as Saito; Watanabe played a samurai in The Last Samurai. He did not play THE last samurai, however, because that role should obviously be played by Tom Cruise


Cilian Murphy as Robert Fischer (not affiliated with chess)


Michael Caine as Miles, classin' things up a bit


An old fat guy who looks a lot like Tom Berenger


Lukas Haas as Nash, a forgettable character but it's nice to see the big-eared kid from Witness is acting again

Mind = Blown²

Overview: Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, M.C. Escher, Timothy Leary and Christopher Nolan got a key of Peruvian flake, rented a bungalow in the south of France, and emerged six months later with a rumpled screenplay in their hands. After they slept for the next 72 hours, they awoke to read over what their collective contributions had produced... 

Expectations: Initially, low. I thought it would be another three-hour, overblown DiCaprio movie. Then people wouldn't stop talking about how good it was and how I had to see it or I was an Obama-huggin' socialist who hates America. And hey, I was born in America, buddy. So my expectations were peaked for about two weeks before I saw the movie...

Finally. A movie that treats me, the audience, like I'm not an idiot. From the very beginning, Inception will keep your attention by making your brain perform the mental equivalent of The Triple Lindy. If you're not a conceptual thinker, if you're not a good multi-tasker, if you don't dream in color, or if you spend more time talking about people than events or ideas, you should probably just go see Step Up 3-D. 

Look, they're dancing on their heads! In 3-D!!

Inception opens, although we don't know it right away, near the very end of the film. Cobb (DiCaprio) washes up on the beach like a severed foot and is dragged to see an old Japanese man. In order to throw off any notion you might have that this movie is going to follow the rules of linear time, you're immediately treated to the next scene featuring the same Cobb, only now he's in a tuxedo and - hey, isn't that the same Japanese guy, just 50 years younger? Ok, so I guess we're doing a high socitey industrial espionage thing now. So then Cobb tries to steal some industry secrets from this Japanese guy, Saito, but then - now wait a sec, why is he asleep in a chair all of a sudden? Is he in a dream? Is Cobb invading the dream of Saito to steal his industrial secrets? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh... Ok. Good. Got it. Now I'm with you, 100%. So Cobb is rooting around in Saito's subconscious but Saito's wise to this kind of thing from the look of the precautions he took so when the whole plan goes awry, the only thing left to do is wake up the Real World Cobb by dropping him in a full bathtub. Now that everyone's awake we can get to the bottom of - are you shitting me? A dream within a dream? Now we're on a high speed train to Tokyo and I think something went wrong just now but there's that Japanese guy again. Why not?

Good advice: Pay. Attention.

And so goes your thought process upon the opening of Inception. The good news, however, is that if you do pay attention, you'll be fed all the necessary information you'll need to piece together this very complex film. And I appreciate the way the information isn't spoon-fed to me in a conversation taking place very early in the film that seems a little out of place. Think of the scene in the first third of Avatar where Giovanni Ribisi explains to Sigourney Weaver that the main character, Jake Sully, is a twin and what unobtainium is and how much it's worth, all of which her character undoubtedly already knows but in order to inform the audience, this is sometimes the only way a key plot point can be revealed. (For a great pirated copy of this scene from what I can only assume is the Russian Comedy Central, click HERE, comrade) And while I maintain Avatar is a great movie, that scene is a little forced. In Inception, however, you start with knowing very little or nothing about what's going on or how or why and you're slowly but steadily thrown bits of important information. You have to stay engaged while watching this movie. If you're too busy texting and you have to ask the person next to you why Cobb's little spinning top is important, then you should just leave the theater so no one else around you has to listen to you asking about shit they learned by paying attention. I'm talking to directly to the three loudmouth Red Hat Society ladies who sat directly to my right. But I digress...

When movie tickets are $10 each, you need to shut up, Nana.

 Written and directed by Christopher Nolan (who also wrote and directed Batman Begins, Memento, and The Dark Knight), Inception is a complicated movie. Complicated in the way that Mount Rushmore is a rock. At any given time, you're not sure if you're in reality or in a dream constructed by the lovely Ellen Page. The inability to separate dream-reality from waking-reality is one of the demons Cobb is trying to overcome. I like that I was never able to tell right away. You slowly learn the reasons Cobb wants to "chase the dragon" and escape back into his own subconscious and the depth of his character is gradually revealed. It's also very commendable that the supporting characters didn't seem two-dimensional, although they had little-to-no backstory to speak of. I'm tired of supporting characters who exist only to demonstrate how truly badass Neo is. No, the characters surrounding Cobb are played by some of Hollywood's real up-and-comers in roles I'm sure will be remembered for allowing us to see Juno and Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun as genuine actors. And for the record, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is very underrated. 


I'm not interested in dissecting this film, mostly because it would be like trying to tell someone how to find their way out of a labyrinth. It's an individual experience and you're not going to explore it all in one visit, and you definitely shouldn't venture out in it in a snow storm. But that's sage advice anytime you agree to take the winter job as the caretaker of the Overlook Hotel. I think I went a little off track there... Let's use the labyrinth analogy again, as it's referred to often throughout the movie as more than just an analogy for the subconscious mind. Dream architects have to create simulated worlds so detailed that the victims of these Dream Thieves (I'm pretty sure they used to tour with Midnight Oil) would never suspect they're romping through someone else's staged dream. As if that's not a monumental task as is, all details of the simulated/pirated/fabricated/staged dream world has to be so precise that even the subjects own mind won't be able to tell it's not dreaming its own dream. Carpet fiber. That's the one and only detail overlooked by one dream architect, played by Lukas Haas, and his whole operation unraveled. The last you see of him, he's being dragged away by the Yakuza to be dealt with as the Japanese code of honor dictates... An appearance on Most Extreme Challenge.

MXC - Top 25 Most Painful Eliminations

As you can see, the last thing you want is the subject of your nocturnal invasion putting it together that the stranger in his dream asking about the Colonel's 11 secret herbs and spices isn't merely a figment of his imagination but - gasp! - a spy! And if the secret you're after is buried deeeeeeeeep in someone's brain? Or if that someone had an inkling a long time ago that Leonardo DiCaprio was trying to steal his thoughts while he was asleep and his tin foil hat wasn't enough protection, so he trained his subconscious to go Branch Davidian on your ass? What then? Well, you construct a dream within a dream. But like most people, I had no idea that the word "inception" meant "source" or "origin" and was the industry term for planting an idea in a subjects brain rather than stealing information that's already there. Many say it can't be done, since you always know where you get an idea from. Like if someone else told you your handlebar mustache looked gay, you would know that wasn't your opinion. But if you came to that conclusion on your own, you might act on your idea and go shave that stupid hipster trash off your face. 

It takes a lot of work to look like you don't care.

So this is where Inception takes a turn from "Ok, I kinda get what's going here" to "Holy shit, now we're in a Pakistani opium den?" The common belief being that inception (planting an idea in someone's mind and letting it take hold as their own) is impossible, Cobb accepts the challenge to implant an idea in an insecure millionaire with daddy issues' brain (Cilian Murphy as Robert Fischer). To accomplish this seemingly impossible task, his team of ragtag, uh, dream commandos have to go deep inside Robert Fischer's subconscious, using the false persona of a trusted friend who looks a lot like a pregnant Tom Berenger. Once they've convinced him they need to get deeper inside his own mind because "someone" is after the information locked away in his brain, he somehow gets talked into going under yet again, and keep in mind, this is all within his own dream... Or something like that. It's hard to keep up when you're watching the movie, let alone try to explain it all afterwards. 

Now, to make sure you're following me, they went inside Robert Fischer's dream using a powerful sedative, and then had to dose him in his dream with the sedative. So a dream within a dream. Now in that second dream, Robert Fischer is convinced to take the sedative again (to keep the boogeyman away) so he ends up in another dream within a dream. That's right: A dream within a dream within a dream.

Scientific representation of Russian sleep study results...

By this point, you're having a lot of trouble remembering what's real, who's left in what stage of whose dream, and you're wondering why Charlize Theron hasn't made an appearance dressed in Princess Leia's gold bikini (it is a dream, after all). To give the knife a final twist, time slows exponentially from dream within a dream within a dream so that if you went four layers deep in your subconscious, the 20-30 minutes you're actually asleep seem like decades. In level four, you can experience 50 years in your mind until The Kick pulls you out of all levels of your dream state. Baffled yet? The Kick, by the way, is the real-world physical jolt forced on the sleeping subject in order to awaken them from a deep sleep. It could be a drop in a full bathtub, a van driving off a bridge, your ex finally pushing you down the stairs, anything that gives you that feeling of falling that will wake you up. 

The movie is perfect for watching with a group of friends and talking about it afterwards for days and days. I wouldn't recommend seeing it in the theater, rather you should watch it at a friends house who has an awesome surround sound setup. You can pretend to care when he talks to you about the different listening environments his Dolby 7.1 puts out with the DTS optimized, just make sure you have a good picture with optimal sound to enjoy everything coming at you. You'll contemplate this film for days after you've seen it and you'll watch it again to see what you missed. It's the LOST of movies. It deserves discussion between the "initiated."


It's just about impossible to do a review of this movie that does it justice. You need to be able to think in four dimensions to grasp it and you need to be able to think fast. Those two semesters at community college are finally gonna come in handy. If you like to watch movies that make your brain run on high octane, check this film out.

Overall: 10 out of 10. My favorite movie of 2010, so far. DiCaprio is still a terrific actor. Chris Nolan consistently makes films smarter than all the Harry Potter books combined. Best Picture Oscar nominee (possible winner), Best Original Screenplay winner.

Best Scene: The last scene, duh.

Seriously, if you've read this far without watching the movie, stop reading NOW.

May cause severe tire damage.

I'm curious what you think... Does the top keep spinning? Has Cobb been dreaming the whole time? Did he really make it back to the States? Is it all an elaborate trap to get him back in America and suddenly Dog the Bounty Hunter steps in through the screen door with a fire-extinguisher-sized can of mace?

My friend Helen raised a few convincing arguments...

1) Michael Caine lives and works in Paris, remember? Why is he suddenly ahead of Cobb and meeting him at the airport?

2) Cobb walks into the house where his kids are and it's deserted. What about the grandparents who didn't give a crap about him? Does the key still work or something, he seemingly just let himself in.


3) Also, why are his kids still young when he finally gets to see them again? Weren't they noticeably older on the phone at the beginning of the movie? And they're sitting in exactly the same position, wearing exactly the same clothes he always remembers them in? C'mon... The rest of this movie is so well made, this just doesn't add up.



My favorite dissection of Inception, though, comes in this article. You get a full explanation of the seven (yes, seven) dream layers and a final twist you probably didn't even think of but is totally plausible... My hat's off to Taylor Holmes.



Ultimately, I think the ending would've sucked if it were revealed whether it was a dream or not. Here's the final scene, one last time. Judge for yourself...

What my wife said: "I just want a f***in' answer... and for those clucking hens sitting next to us to SHUT UP."

Likely Porn Spin-off Titles: Insertion; Incestion

Who would enjoy this movie: People who hate Larry the Cable Guy movies; Freud; My dad... Yes, Dad, if you're reading this, you need to take Pat to see Inception. Also, I'm buying you the LOST box set for Christmas. You, of all people, would appreciate that show.

Watch it if you like: A Beautiful Mind; Memento; Flatliners; The Prestige

Next in the Q: It might be a while before I get the time/motivation to post another review. All my free time is now consumed by homework and pre-winter "battoning downs" like cleaning out the garage and stuff. 

I leave you one final observation from Inception that'll blow your mind, provided you have anymore mind to left to blow by this point...

No Rick-roll this time, I promise...